Saturday 24 April 2010

Randy's A Team







Welcome to the new look World of Hate. I've started to build up a team of like minded hatesters to join me in mocking the world. As it's an election year I've recruited a political expert to help cover the big election news. That's right A Dose of Dick star James Leopold Dense has joined us here at World of Hate to present his Political Poop Shoot. I'm also joined by former US President George W. Bush who's going to fill us in on what he's been up to since he left office. And finally we're officially entering into competition with 118 with our own question answering service which unlike the conning bastards at 118.com we won't be charging anything. To man our question service we've got the smartest man I know, my grandpa, Maurice Badger. So if you have a question you want answered e-mail me at randybadger@hotmail.co.uk. This week grandpa answers how you can tell if your child is a midget. There's also more of Randy's Retards, Randy's Rant and an all new zombie based feature. Enjoy the hate.







1. David Cameron







Yes this smug, testicle sniffing, dildo faced knob jockey really is a fucking retard. I seriously hate this fucking posh twat. Do we really want this smug cunt running the country? I don't think so.



2. Volcano





Gay ass volcanos, planes not flying. Yeah I really don't give a shit but the CoMH big bossman says I have to keep it topical.



3. Heston Blumenthal







Heston to rhyme with cunt. What a fucking cock. I don't give a shit if he can cook a monkey scrotum with human feces then get Dale Winton to eat it and enjoy it he's a fucking dick. He also looks like a testicle with a crudely drawn face on it.



4. Muslim Extremists







Normally I wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot barge pole. But when the right to free speech is being surpressed because of Muslim Extremists then I have to speak out. There are many people who would stop me using my right to free speech infact the boys at S.C.R.O.T.U.M. have tried to take legal action against me 47 times but in this country we're allowed to say what the fuck like. There has been a recent incident where a popular TV show had an episode pulled because of refrences to the muslim prophet. There were death threats and that is seriously wrong. This wasn't an attack on Islam and I think it's bang out of order to threaten TV writers with death when David Cameron is still alive. If you need to kill someone kill him.





Dear Randy,

I like masturbating alot. I can't stop it. I do it everyday. I'm thinking of cutting off my penis? What should I do?

Phil, aged 12, Ohio



Randy's reply:

Cut it off. Only answer. Masturbation is the devil's work.



Dear Randy,

I met a man at a club and as we were leaving, an old guy tried to grab my arse and so my man thumped him in the gob. I was so turned on by his readiness to protect me that I went back with him.

As I undressed him I said "Nice body!" and he thought I was referring to the corpse he'd hidden in his closet, and so he brought it out to show me, with pride!

Admittedly that is the point where I should have gone home, but I was impressed by his openness and a little turned on by the bad guy factor. So I stayed.

The next day I realised with horror, that my failure to leave when the corpse came out, may have given him the idea that murdering people is OK. Is there a perfect text that will let him know that killing is wrong, without jeopardising my chances of a second date?

Rachel, aged 19, Birmingham



Randy's reply:

Depends who he killed. Killing is ok in certain circumstances. So if you accidentally ran over Jordan 4 or 5 times you'd probably get a medal rather than a custodial sentence. Or you could just have sex with a good guy to balance things out, like Jesus or the Pope.



Dear Randy,

Last weekend I told my best friend a secret. I told her that I once used a cucumber to see what sex is like with a boy.

However when I got to school on Monday morning all of the girls in my tutor group were eating cucumbers and sniggering. At break time a boy asked me if I wanted to practice on something less green and at lunch time another boy asked if I kept the shrink-wrap on or went bareback.

Do you think there's any chance that my best friend can't be trusted?

Keira aged 15, Somerset



HEATHEN! The cucumber is the devil's vegetable. And no your best friend can't be trusted.



Dear Randy,

This is 29 Oral Way. And this is Erica - the girlfriend who leads an exciting double life. For when Erica administers a blowjob, an amazing transformation occurs!

Yes, my boyfriend's semen gives me super powers! Whenever he cums in my mouth, or in fact anywhere, I become invisible! I know this because he falls straight to sleep without cuddling me, whispering sweet nothings to me, or in fact acknowledging mu existence at all.

The special powers wear off over the night and when I feel his boner digging into my back the next morning, I know I'm visible again.

Do all men have magic sperm, or is it just my man?

Erica, aged 19, Avon



Randy's reply:

Oh I see what you're doing. You're trying to be funny during my very serious agony aunt column. Very witty you fucking cunt. If I ever find you I will destroy you.











What the fuck is it with hexagonal Smarties tubes? They aren't fucking hexagons so what's the need for a fucking hexagonal tube? Back when I was a kid we had a circular tube for our circular Smarties. Yeah the good old days, when after eating your Smarties you could use the tube as a missile launcher and pop the plastic lid out of the tube taking your younger brother's eye out. Now we have a fucking hexagon without a lid. What the hell is wrong with the world today?







This is my grandpa Maurice, he's here to answer all your questions. This week Mark from Sheffield asks "How can you tell if your child is a midget?"



Grandpa's answer:

If he small. If the kid is a short guy he probably a midget. Like 2foot, that midget small.







James Leopold Dense has a joint degree in political studies and colouring in. James enjoys examing his poo. His own and those of people he meets.





David Cameron is a dog poo, I hate him. Gordon Brown is a scary troll. I don't like him. Nick Clegg is as cool as my red wax crayon.



This week in David Cameron's Poo: His own face, because his head is so far up his own arse that he just keeps shitting out his own face.









Yeah I've been eating pretzels. Every day since I left the White House.







#1 Andre The Giant





Am I the only one that would like to see Andre the Giant rise from the grave?

Tuesday 13 April 2010

Happy Birthday Chet


Greetings my fellow Huggynites and welcome to another Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. It's a special week for us here at CoMH as our good friend Chet Ajabagger turned 50 0n the 12th of April. This week we have all your usual favourites, Pick's, Pricks, The Big Question, Jimmy's Poo and Thought of the Day. We're also proud to present our new feature, a tribute to Ruper Grint. Enjoy!




1. Chet Ajabagger



Yes he's 50 this week can you believe it? We certainly can't. We all thought he'd be dead by now but after recovering from his alcoholism Chet's turned his life around and is a valuable member of the CoMH team. How's he celebrating? Well we've had to chain him to his desk to prevent him going on another bender like last year...

2. Keane



Well they're certainly not here because we like their music, I'm a death metal fan myself. We salute Keane these week because we they have spoken out about the Conservatives using Keane's music to promote their self satisfied smugness.

3. Richard Herring



We salute you Mr. Herring for trying to reclaim the so called Hitler moustache. Chet had one in the 1970s and he was persecuted because of that. Hopefully if we stand up to this kind of biggotory we can make real progress.

4. God



Looks like God's calmed down a bit after his weeks of wrath. Rooney's recovered, it's been quite sunny and Chet's liver is still working.



1. Jordan/ Katie Price



It seems like forever ago that Joseph Fritzl was our biggest prick ever with two appearances on the chart. These days Jordan (this week played by a fat emo) holds that record and continues to streak ahead of Daniel Radcliffe. This week we've included her for her shouting at an old aged pensioner about a disabled parking space. Yes she has a disabled son but that doesn't give her the right to abuse our lovely pensioners. They are of course very welcome to abuse her, they don't know any better.

2. David Cameron





Normally we'd keep church and state seperare. But for this smug prick we're happy to break that rule. This man got his wife pregnant so he could win the election, he likes to pretend he's just a normal guy when he's a jumped up little toff. This man is the devil. If you vote for David Cameron you will get AIDS and you will die.



3. Twitter


We've tried to like Twitter but it's just lame. And it keeps getting worse. In an attempt to appeal to young people it's now recreating Romeo & Juliet using Tweets which is just the gayest thing ever.

4. The Pope



You know why he's here, I know why he's here, he knows why he's here. Naughty Pope. (We know this is not a picture of the current Pope but it's quite funny so we thought we'd use it).



Welcome to our new section dedicated to the nation's least hated ginger, our old mate, Grinty. Each week we pay tribute to Grinty by sharing a picture with you loyal readers showing you just why we love him. First up this beauty:





This week: The bullet that killed JFK and I've tested it, it doesn't come from Lee Harvey Oswald's gun, this could be the evidence that M.V.D. needs to solve this case.


This week it's perhaps the biggest of all questions who'd win in a fight between Phil off Eastenders and Grant who used to be off Eastenders.




Well this one's easy. Grant who used to be off Eastenders might be out there trying to solve the problems in the middle east but he's no match for Phil off Eastenders.




Phil is the hardest man in the world and the best damn actor this country has ever produced.



""A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." Ronald Reagan, actor, president, dead dude

Until next time...
Peace & Love
Dick Smalls

Have you checked out the other CoMH blog yet? Click below to discover the joys of Randy's World of Hate!


Friday 9 April 2010

Radcliffe Can't Act



As you all know we here at CoMH love making lists of bad actors and there's no film franchise that has more bad actors than Harry Potter. So here it is, what you've all been waiting for, the top 10 bad actors from the Harry Potter (we all know who's number one but let's all act surprised when we get there)

10) Ron Weasley (a.k.a. Grinty)



Perhaps the biggest surprise in our countdown, yes it's Grinty a former Prick who once made the top 5 of our all time bad actors special last year. We here at CoMH have started to warm to Grinty, he made an appearance as a Pick and we've realised that he plays a ginger person perfectly because we hate and mistrust him just like real ginger people. Well done Grinty, you're pretty bad but there are 9 worse than you.

9) Barty Crouch jnr. (a.k.a Dr. Who)



Seriously what the hell was with that weird tongue thing he was doing? He seems to think he's an actual snake...Yeah this was just an awful performance. I guess it runs in the early (see below to get this very clever joke).


8) Barty Crouch snr. (a.k.a. Trigger off Only Fools On Horses)



Yeah Trigger does a pretty awful job at acting. He was good in Only Fools And Horses and The Vicar of Dibley yet in The Goblet of Fire he almost rivals the regular Harry Potter cast with his bad acting. What the hell was wrong with his voice? He was crap in Dr. Who to, maybe it's time to call it a day.

7) Cederic Diggory (a.k.a. puffy vampire out of Twilight)


Oh he's so handsome...hang on no he isn't. Yes it's the world's most popular actor with teenage girls. Before he became the world's gayest vampire he filled our lives with his brand of bad acting in Goblet of Fire (first appearances of) which has supplied us with 3 of our top 10.


6) Neville Longbottom (a.k.a. Snaggledtooth)



Eugh, where do you start with this one? Bad teeth, bad acting. Connection? Possibly.


5) Luna Lovegood (a.k.a. justification for racism against the Irish)



The youngest on the list, we accept we have to be sensitive here. How can I put this without hurting your feelings. YOU CAN'T ACT PLEASE STOP NOW!

4) Albus Dumbledore (a.k.a. lazy Gambon phoning it in)



OK we all know Richard Harris died during the filming of the Chamber of Secrets and at the end they operate his corpse using a system of pulleys and sticks but even that lifeless performance wasn't as bad as Gambon in the role. He really doesn't try. Dumbledore is supposed to care about what's going on but he never does in the films. And he shouts. Alot.


3) Dudley Dursley (a.k.a. gimpy chav)



Where's your mum Potter? Yes who can forget that terrible delivery. He is just one head on the 3 headed dog of bad acting. He helped make the opening ten minutes of the Order of the Pheonix the worst acting ever caught on camera.

2) Mrs Figg (a.k.a. seriously what the hell? Where did you find this thing?)



She's got a tash and talks like she's got Parkinson's, she's head number 2.

1) Harry Potter (a.k.a. he who can not act, the one and only Daniel Radcliffe)



Well who else could be number 1. He's by far the worst actor ever to have lived. He's also the second biggest Dick's Prick of all time (recently surpassed by Jordan of course). Seriously how does this guy get people to pay him to "act". It's offensive to me.

There are so many others we could have included on this list such as creepy annoying Lenny Henry skull thing, Crabbe, Goyle, all the Weasleys, random black boy and so many more but we feel this list represents the very worst acting in the Harry Potter universe. We still have two films left to go so there's still time for Danny Dyer to turn up.

To those who think we are unfair to the young actors in Harry Potter who are just trying to make a living we say this. Ask the Pope, God doesn't like Harry Potter, so it's ok. And there is no forgiving Daniel Radcliffe having a successful career.

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls

Monday 5 April 2010

Dear Randy #2

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Dear Randy in which I solve all your problems. If you have a problem that needs solving e-mail me at randybadger@hotmail.co.uk.

Dear Randy,
i have been thinking about sex and i am scared. will something happen to my penus if i lose my virginity. will it hurt
Complete retard, aged 13, Liverpool

Randy's reply:
Well if you're going to have sex make sure your sterilised first because your spelling is just terrible and your kids are likely to be idiots to. And yes something will happen to your "penus" if you lose your virginity because the devil will rip it off as sex is the devil's game!

Dear Randy,

i have a friend that i have sex with from time to time and i think his getting feelings for me. his friends say he dont like you like that he just using you, but when me and him get together i dont feel that, i feel like hes catching feelings for me.

he loves to be around me, not just to have sex, but chill go places he even went down on me for the first time . i always wanted him to but he never would, then one day well a whole year later he did it and i was shocked.i havent told him i have feelings for him because its hard for me to tell ppl how i feel, so do anybody think im right?
slagbag, aged 17, Leeds

Randy's reply:
Well you certainly are like a disease that he keeps catching. He isn't developing feelings for you he's using you because you let him. I was the same at that age, I used a chick for sex for months, only stopped because I found out she was my biological mother. Anyway the point is men like sex and like girls that give it away for free. He'll ditch you as soon as he finds a less easy and more attractive girl. Once again I highly recommend sterilisation.

Dear Randy,
This is very embarassing to ask but I really need some advice. My boyfriend and I were having sex. We've only done it a few times before so we're fairly new to this but for some reason he couldn't get in me for a long time. Or as soon as he got close or i'd move my hand, he'd slip back out. He isn't smLl or anything like that so we're both very confused because although this is the second time this has happened to us, we've also had sex successfully. Do you know what the problem could be? Please help us.
Another teenage whore, 19, Essex

Randy's reply:
Are you sure your putting his penis in the write place? Is he actually a boy? Are you actually a girl? Sounds like your too thick to have sex this is probably a good thing. You know what I'm going to recommend. Both of you need to be sterilised.

Dear Randy,
How to know if you are a vergin? A guy 1 night tried to have sex with me, he had not penatrate or go inside. It hurt, i told him to get off. i have a hymen, it did not bleed. i have had oral. i tried anal but it was to painful for both of us. where do you stand on virginity?
Any which way but loose, aged 15, Stoke

Randy's reply:
Well I'm pretty sure you've had enough cock to no longer be considered anything near a virgin. Your well on your way to being the biggest whore in the world. You keep trying girl you'll get there in the end.

Dear Randy,
Hey :) well im 17. Iv just started triming then shaving my vagina. It always feel a lil ichy an gets kinda red. Will that stop hapening once i get used to it and do it more? I heard geting it waxed is best but i really dont want any one doing that to me. So all i can do is shave. Also is there any thing that will help it not be feel so bad afterwords? Thanks for any advise.
fuzzy peach, 17, London

Randy's reply:
HEATHEN! You are in the service of the beast of hell. God loves bush and you must maintain the lady garden your creator demands!