Tuesday 30 March 2010

Welcome To My World of Hate


Hi my name's Randy Badger and this is my world of hate. After my hugely popular work on A Dose of Dick the CoMH have offered me my own blog. So if you enjoyed my angry rants about completely pointless things then you're gonna love my world of hate.

Saturday 20 March 2010

Rant Randy, Rant



The following contains strong language that may offend some.

The views of Randolph Badger do not neccessarily represent the views of the CoMH.

Hello my name's Randy Badger and whilst Dick Smalls and the CoMH team are off in America signing big money deals I've been asked to take over the blog. So welcome to the first installment of ...Really Grates My Cheese in which I discuss the things that really great my cheese.

1. Sports Relief


Oh wonderful it's that time of year where we pretend we give a s**t about the less fortunate people of the world. Now I'm all for charity, saving the rain forest, killing whales, all that bo*ll*cks but these TV charity events really grate my cheese. You wanna know why? Well I'll tell ya. I don't want some over paid celebrity telling me I should donate what little money I have to save Africa when they make more in a week than I'll make in my life time. Chris Moyles gets £630k a year last week I earned £4.50, a naked picture of my mate Phil's mum and a pirate copy of Return of the Jedi. Yet I'm the one expected to pay up...Why can't the likes of Moyl es pay up instead? Oh because they donate their time? Oh f**k off I'll happily let the celebrities make donations and stop making those god awful comedy sketches. Apparently just £5 buys a mosquito net that could save lives in Africa. But exactly how much does it cost to send these bloody "celebrities" over to Africa? I mean come on these people already have AIDS do we really need to inflict Russel Brand on them as well? But wait the celebrities are showing us the truth of the situation over there with such revealing commentary as "it must be pretty s**t living in Africa, having no money and dying of AIDS". Of course it's s**t! They've got AIDS it's never going to be fun and not only that they're starving to death and your sending the likes of Chris Moyles to visit them. So how about instead of wasting thousands of pounds on flying celebrities and their film crews over to Africa and use that money to help them, you can afford it, I can't. As for the hilarious comedy skits we have to endure. What the f**k? Seriously who the hell likes that f**king irratating prick James Corden? I'd rather be raped by a million AIDS infected horses than watch another of his sketches. And why are these marathon s**t spewings full of people I hate? Corden, Davina McCall, Fearne Cotton, Patrick Kielty, that fat bloke off the One Show that looks like a potato. If you really want to make money how about do sponsored slaying of these celebrities? I'd happily pay a pound for every bullet put in James Corden's knee caps, I'd be willing to give you a fiver for crucifying Patrick Kielty, a tenner for giving Fearne Cotton a bath in acid, twenty quid for garrotting Davina McCall. And realistically who actually cares about Africa? They've all got AIDS anyway, they're gonna die, let's accept it and move on. Charity starts at home and that's something you can be HIV Positive about.

2. James Corden


He's little more than a f**king scrotum. He's a fat yob that is not funny and if you think he is then you should just go and kill yourself. I will destory you one day Corden you unfunny prick. Don't worry I'm not going to kill you I'm going to make people realise your nothing but a talentless gobshite. I'm praying for a heart attack...

3. James Corden's Parents

Should have been an abortion mate...

4. Mrs. Kipling


Recently I sat watching television whilst I enjoyed one of Mr. Kipling's French Fancies when I saw a new advert for Mr. Kipling featuring Mrs. Kipling. She was jibbering about getting enough oats or tampons, you know chick crap. I wasn't impressed with the advert at all but the end just filled me with a rage I've never felt before. At the end of this travesty Mrs Kipling actually has the nerve to suggest Mr. Kipling is crap in bed. The man responsible for Mini Battenburgs can be nothing less than a stalion in bed and I refuse to hear anything to suggest he isn't if you don't want him and I a million of others will happily let him fill us with his cakey goodness.

5. Chocolate Werther's Originals


3 words. What. The. F**k?

Now it's time to find out what's in a retard's s**t.


This week in Jimmy's poo there was...nothing. We think he's eaten a cloak of invisibility either that or he's constipated again.



Oh look it's Cliff Richard again! Seriously who the hell wants to look at pictures of Cliff Richard now I'm in charge there's gonna be some big changes. No more Cliff.


Vaseline sales are up so you know Zanzibar's in town with the latest Jordan rumours.

1. Jordan, after making love, bites the head off her partner

2. Jordan
sleeps inside out, and once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine

3. Jordan can believe it's not butter because she uses it as a lubricant and it's not as good as real butter


"James Corden is a prick," Randy Badger, f**king legend

Monday 1 March 2010

Phil Didn't Do It!


Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the most extraordinary Dose of Dick ever! Yes I have some amazing news for you all and I have to tell you about the exciting changes that we will be making here at CoMH Towers. I'm sure you all remember a year ago when I announced the sad passing of CoMH Head and co-founder Merton Breastloveski who we believed had died from anal trauma involving well hung horse. Merton was buried in a closed casket private ceremony in March 2009. At the time we noticed that Merton's custom made coffin was very heavy and very cold almost like it contained a air conditioner... Well it turns out that Merton did not die that day but in fact faked his death so he could go undercover to help the police crack a bestiality ring in London, for the last 12 months he's been living under the name Gerald Hatescockski and feared he could never return to us here at CoMH. But last week the case was cracked and 74 arrests were made and Merton was able to return to us here at CoMH. What does this mean for everyone at CoMH? Well Merton will return to his position as head of the church and I will be returning to my former position as the head of public relations which means I will be able to fully dedicate myself to A Dose of Dick once again and won't be forced into any boring meetings with the Pope again. This means of course that my son Larry has now been made redundant as he has refused the offer to become Jimmy's personal poo explorer. Well anyway on to this weeks Dose of Dick we've got your usual favourites Dick's Picks, Pricks, Cliff Richard Picture of the Week, Jimmy's Poo, Hot Gossip, Thought of the Day, two new sections "Do You Remember...?" where we remember those that society has forgotten and The Big Question with Chet Ajabagger in which Chet discusses those huge philosophical questions we all think about and then we'll conclude with a small tribute to those the CoMH has really lost this year.


1. Merton Breastloveski



CoMH co-founder and all round good egg, Merton was saddly missed by everyone here but now he's back from the "dead" and we are complete once again, now all we need is Mike to turn up.

2. Phil off Eastenders


Without a doubt he gave the best performance in Eastenders recent live episode and how did they repay him? They didn't make him the murderer! Well for moral support we're making him a Pick for the second week running.


1. Dirty Sex Scandal Footballers


Ashley Cole, John Terry, that other one who's name I can't remember. They're all as bad as Tiger Woods. Dirty, dirty boys.

2. The Wrath of God



God's still pissed off. More natural disasters and mental weather. What can we do to appease you Lord?


This week: To celebrate a year of A Dose of Dick with Dick Smalls there's only one thing Jimmy could poo, that's right he's only gone and shit the Mitchell brothers.






Cliff just looking incredibly sexy...



Hey everyone the pant straining Zanzibar here with your latest batch of Jordan rumours.

1. Jordan's pubes are fibre optic and her pee is pure nitrogen

2.
Jordan's tears are adhesive and that if she caught fire, she'd burn for a thousand days

3.
On really warm days Jordan sheds her skin like a snake

4. Jordan's
a C.I.A. experiment that went wrong, and she only eats cheese



Hello followers of Mike and welcome to my new section of A Dose of Dick, Do You Remember...?in which we remember those things that have left the public eye this week...

John McCain


Seriously what happened to this guy? A few years ago he was on TV all the time and now you never see him. If you have any information on where he is now e-mail me at mertonbreastloveski@hotmail.co.uk


Welcome to my new section where I answer the big questions. This week who'd win in a fight between cuckold frog Kermit and creepily camp gaybo Big Bird?


Well Kermit's got less spine than a jelly fish but Big Bird is camper than Liberache. I think what it'll come down to in this fight is who they have to back them up. Kermit has Miss Piggy, morbidly obese but with a voice that can kill and Big Bird has his life partner Mr. Snuffleupagus the mammoth that's as camp as he is. Again I think we're pretty much tied. Kermit could bring in Animal who I think would be pretty handy in a fight but then Big Bird has the Cookie Monster who's even tougher now he's been on a none cookie based diet. I think it's safe to say that overall Kermit would win as the Muppets could easily beat the Sesame Street Crew with only Cookie Monster and the Count posing any real threat.


Kermit the Frog



Kermit and co would easily beat Big Bird to death but when it comes to a frog that enjoys inter species erotica and a giant gay bird getting queer with an extinct species they're both losers.


1. Merta Drogosich


Merta has been the head of Emotional Development at CoMH since 1995. We had hoped to bring you her motivational programme "Smile and Be Happy" but Merta took her own life recenly...

2. Professor Steve "Apples & Pears" Mitchell


Steve recently provided cockney translations for Danny Dyer here at A Dose of Dick. It appears this triggered a severe depression for Steve. He was found hanging from a tree above a pile of smashed up copies of Danny Dyer's comedy football DVD "Man with Ball Falls Over" and a note that said "I've wasted my life. Cockney is the stupidest thing ever and I stooped so low that I actually translated for Danny Dyer and his comedy football DVD isn't even that funny". We here at CoMH send out deepest sympathies to his family we can't help feel we're at least partly responsible for this...

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan, former President, idiot, dead

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls & the Dose of Dick Team

p.s. check out our friend MVD here