Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the most extraordinary Dose of Dick ever! Yes I have some amazing news for you all and I have to tell you about the exciting changes that we will be making here at CoMH Towers. I'm sure you all remember a year ago when I announced the sad passing of CoMH Head and co-founder Merton Breastloveski who we believed had died from anal trauma involving well hung horse. Merton was buried in a closed casket private ceremony in March 2009. At the time we noticed that Merton's custom made coffin was very heavy and very cold almost like it contained a air conditioner... Well it turns out that Merton did not die that day but in fact faked his death so he could go undercover to help the police crack a bestiality ring in London, for the last 12 months he's been living under the name Gerald Hatescockski and feared he could never return to us here at CoMH. But last week the case was cracked and 74 arrests were made and Merton was able to return to us here at CoMH. What does this mean for everyone at CoMH? Well Merton will return to his position as head of the church and I will be returning to my former position as the head of public relations which means I will be able to fully dedicate myself to A Dose of Dick once again and won't be forced into any boring meetings with the Pope again. This means of course that my son Larry has now been made redundant as he has refused the offer to become Jimmy's personal poo explorer. Well anyway on to this weeks Dose of Dick we've got your usual favourites Dick's Picks, Pricks, Cliff Richard Picture of the Week, Jimmy's Poo, Hot Gossip, Thought of the Day, two new sections "Do You Remember...?" where we remember those that society has forgotten and The Big Question with Chet Ajabagger in which Chet discusses those huge philosophical questions we all think about and then we'll conclude with a small tribute to those the CoMH has really lost this year.
1. Merton Breastloveski
CoMH co-founder and all round good egg, Merton was saddly missed by everyone here but now he's back from the "dead" and we are complete once again, now all we need is Mike to turn up.
2. Phil off Eastenders
Without a doubt he gave the best performance in Eastenders recent live episode and how did they repay him? They didn't make him the murderer! Well for moral support we're making him a Pick for the second week running.
1. Dirty Sex Scandal Footballers
Ashley Cole, John Terry, that other one who's name I can't remember. They're all as bad as Tiger Woods. Dirty, dirty boys.
2. The Wrath of God
God's still pissed off. More natural disasters and mental weather. What can we do to appease you Lord?
This week: To celebrate a year of A Dose of Dick with Dick Smalls there's only one thing Jimmy could poo, that's right he's only gone and shit the Mitchell brothers.
Cliff just looking incredibly sexy...
Hey everyone the pant straining Zanzibar here with your latest batch of Jordan rumours.
1. Jordan's pubes are fibre optic and her pee is pure nitrogen
2. Jordan's tears are adhesive and that if she caught fire, she'd burn for a thousand days
3. On really warm days Jordan sheds her skin like a snake
4. Jordan's a C.I.A. experiment that went wrong, and she only eats cheese
Hello followers of Mike and welcome to my new section of A Dose of Dick, Do You Remember...?in which we remember those things that have left the public eye this week...
John McCain
Seriously what happened to this guy? A few years ago he was on TV all the time and now you never see him. If you have any information on where he is now e-mail me at mertonbreastloveski@hotmail.co.uk
Welcome to my new section where I answer the big questions. This week who'd win in a fight between cuckold frog Kermit and creepily camp gaybo Big Bird?
Well Kermit's got less spine than a jelly fish but Big Bird is camper than Liberache. I think what it'll come down to in this fight is who they have to back them up. Kermit has Miss Piggy, morbidly obese but with a voice that can kill and Big Bird has his life partner Mr. Snuffleupagus the mammoth that's as camp as he is. Again I think we're pretty much tied. Kermit could bring in Animal who I think would be pretty handy in a fight but then Big Bird has the Cookie Monster who's even tougher now he's been on a none cookie based diet. I think it's safe to say that overall Kermit would win as the Muppets could easily beat the Sesame Street Crew with only Cookie Monster and the Count posing any real threat.
Kermit the Frog
Kermit and co would easily beat Big Bird to death but when it comes to a frog that enjoys inter species erotica and a giant gay bird getting queer with an extinct species they're both losers.
1. Merta Drogosich
Merta has been the head of Emotional Development at CoMH since 1995. We had hoped to bring you her motivational programme "Smile and Be Happy" but Merta took her own life recenly...
2. Professor Steve "Apples & Pears" Mitchell
Steve recently provided cockney translations for Danny Dyer here at A Dose of Dick. It appears this triggered a severe depression for Steve. He was found hanging from a tree above a pile of smashed up copies of Danny Dyer's comedy football DVD "Man with Ball Falls Over" and a note that said "I've wasted my life. Cockney is the stupidest thing ever and I stooped so low that I actually translated for Danny Dyer and his comedy football DVD isn't even that funny". We here at CoMH send out deepest sympathies to his family we can't help feel we're at least partly responsible for this...
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan, former President, idiot, dead
Peace & Love
Dick Smalls & the Dose of Dick Team
p.s. check out our friend MVD here
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