Tuesday, 11 January 2011

The Dickies 2010

Hello and welcome to the second annual Dickies, the awards handed out by the C.o.M.H. team to those we deem worthy. Enjoy this last taste of the old ADOD before we begin a full relaunch. On with the awards!

"Celebrity" Pick of the Year


Those wacky Jedward boys have moved up from 3rd place last year to winners of the title of celebrity pick of the year. After a fantastic year with a brilliant album, a legendary performance at T4 on the Beach and a joke about Cheryl Cole dying of malaria these boys deserve this award.
Honourable mentions; Peter Andre, Grinty

"Celebrity" Prick of the Year

Danny Dyer

It's been a mixed year for Danny. More classic films such as Pimp and another classic comedy football DVD and joining the C.o.M.H. team have been overshadowed by his irresponsible and stupid comments in Zoo magazine where he recommended a man slash his ex girlfriend's face so she couldn't find anyone else. What a total prick.

Honourable mentions; Gillian McKieth, Donny Osmond, Lady GaGa, Jordan

Acting Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders

2010 was the year of Phil off Eastenders. Once again acting everyone off the screen Phil off Eastenders had some of the most harrowing story lines in the history of the show including having sex with the world's roughest looking woman, having a flaming homo as a son and being a crack head. Phil off Eastenders brought warmth and great skill to these storylines and no one has come to close to matching him for amazing acting abilities.

Honourable mentions; Grinty, Go Compare Guy, Talking meerkat thing

Acting Prick of the Year

Daniel Radcliffe

Another year, another Harry Potter film. 2010 featured Radcliffe playing seven versions of himself and they were all shit.

Honourable mentions; the cast of the Twilight movies, the cast of Harry Potter, Ben off Eastenders

Celebrity Sex Offender of the Year

Josef Frtitzl

This year Josef is the only real contender and that's because even though he ran a creepy incest sex dungeon Fritzy has been planning on rebuilding the surrounding area. For having the balls to do that we just have to salute you Mr. Fritzl sir.

TV Presenter Pick of the Year

Hacker T. Dog

Yes. We're being serious. No human presenters are good enough this award. Check out Hacker on the CBBC channel he is freaking hilarious.

Honourable mentions; Oucho the cactus, Mongo the magic puppet

TV Presenter Prick of the Year

Konnie Huq

Yeah alright Huq you're on the grown up tele now and you're married to Charlie Brooker but seriously fuck off with your shitty Xtra Factor crap.

Honourable mentions; Chris Evans, Bruce Forsyth, Ant & Dec

Talent Show Judge Pick of the Year

This award has been left vacant as they're a cunty bunch

Talent Show Judge Prick of the Year

Cheryl Cole

Not happy with being in a shit band she had to have a shit solo career. Not happy with a shit solo career she had to create a mini me. Cheryl Cole will you please fuck off and take Bill-I-Am-A-Total-Fucking-Cun with you yeah pet?

Honourable mentions; Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Piers Morgan, Michael MacIntyre (hasn't started yet but he's still a moon faced cunt), Dannii Minogue

Talent Show Wannabe Pick of the Year


Wagner was flying the freak flag high this year, he was shit, looked a bit like Josef Fritzl and didn't make much sense but he slagged off Cheryl Cole and he was pretty funny.

Honourable mentions; Random Black Boy from the Harry Potter Movies

Talent Show Wannabe Prick of the Year

Cher "Mongo" Lloyd

Yes it's the stroke suffering faced, gypsy Cheryl Cole clone that sounds like a fucking mong having a fit when she's singing. It's unlikely we've heard the last of this cunt so expect to see her back here next year.

Honourable mentions; Katie Weasel, Gamu, Matt Cardle, any shit street dance act that appears on Britain's Got Talent

The Official Dick's Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders

Who is more deserving than this man? He's C.o.M.H.'s man of the decade and looks set to hold that award again in 2019. Mr. Mitchell sir we salute you.

Honourable mentions; Jedward, Andre the Giant, Peter Andre

The Official Dick's Prick of the Year

Kerry Katona

It's been a year for clones of shit celebrities and ITV has been responsible for them all. It's bad enough they forced Jordan down our throats for the last 5 years they've now found her replacement in the equally useless Kerry Katona another whiney waster we hope will fuck off in 2011.

Honourable mentions; Jordan, Alex Reid, Cheryl Cole, Jason Donovan, Jeremy Kyle

Those we've lost this year;

-Gary Coleman
-Leslie Nielsen
-Paul the Octopus
-Norman Wisdom
-Bernard Matthews
-Malcolm Allison
-Claire Rayner
-Gillian McKeith's dignity
-Ronnie/Roxy Mitchell's (Phil off Eastenders sister/cousin) baby
-Those three who died in that tram crash on that documentary 'Coronation Street'
-Alex Higgins
-Chris Kanyon
-Jean Simmons
-Any 'Z-List' celebrity's career
-The Bill
-Big Brother

Well I hope you've enjoyed the Dickies and I hope you've enjoyed A Dose of Dick throughout 2010. For a while it looked the end of C.o.M.H. but we're back and better than ever. In 2011 we will be relaunching the blog, all the old entries will be shifted over to our archive blog the World of Dick and we will be having a fresh start. Your old favourites such as Dick's Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, Dear Randy and the Big Question will be joined by new features such as What's Pissing off Garth Crooks This Week? We'll also be answering those big questions; who is Jimmy's father? Will a Jeremy Kyle spoof work when written down? Is Merton still alive? Will Dick remarry? Can Chet and Chasey Lain get past their problems and be happy again? Will we ever see the likes of Timmy Dense, Taco Sanchez, Buzzy Gastro, Lundy Cupp, Maurice Badger and the Rev again? Will we see more of Randy's world of hate? Will M.V.D. wake from the coma that's kept him from updating his blog? And finally we will answer the ultimate question...

Tom Cruise....

True or fale?

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Fucking Christmas

Merry Christmas my fellow Huggynites and welcome to a Christmas Day Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. Things have been a bit hectic here at C.o.M.H. Towers but we are glad to be back in business with our second annual Christmas special. This Christmas has pretty much been the worst in living memory. Despite the fact we gave him a job that cheap bastard Danny Dyer gave us all a copy of his latest comedy football DVD "Man with Ball Falls Over... Twice," the less said about the Rev the better but it seems unlikely he'll be returning to the blog anytime soon and Ned (you remember Ned he was the Irish fashion "expert" character we used that one time) was disagnosed with AIDS and now he's dead so he won't be coming back either. But good news 2011 will see a total relaunch of A Dose of Dick with some new and better people and it'll all be a bit less shit. Anyway this is the bit where have a go at people that probably don't deserve it. Enjoy a festive Dose of Dick!

1. Jesus

Happy birthday Jesus! Woohoo.

2. Father Christmas

Yeah Father Christmas again. So what if we had the same picks as last Christmas who were you expecting? The Prophet Mohammed? Do you want us to be responsible for another 9/11? Well do you? No? Then stop your bitching and except we just phone it in at Christmas.

1. Snow

Damn you snow! With your coldness and your ability to make things all white.

2. Ice

Damn you ice with your coldness and your ability to make things slippy.

Look it's Cliff at Christmas, yay!

This Christmas in my poo I found the missing piece of my Lego Pirate Ship which means I can play pirates now!

Ah Grinty you do suit this very Christmassy look you ginger beauty.

"Redcar council has ruled that the town cannot have a nativity scene. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Dick Gets Hard Again!

Greetings and salutations my fellow Huggynites and welcome back to old school A Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. It's good to be back where we belong here on the orginal Church of Mike Huggins blog. We've caved in to popular demand and we will be covering this years X Factor putting our divine powers behind our favourite contestant. You can follow our live coverage of X Factor over on Twitter by following ADoseOfDick or by becoming friends with me on Facebook. We're a bit behind with our report on last week's X Factor so please forgive us! Randy also returns to A Dose of Dick with a new section "The Tool Report" in which he gives us the latest news on what the tools we hate the most are up to. Oh and we've got some new Cliff and Grinty for you. Enjoy Dick Gets Hard On... The X Factor

Hey gang,
I'm joined by all your C.o.M.H. favourites to bring you our expert opinions on this years X Facor. We'll bring you in depth analysis of our favourite acts and blindly criticise those we just don't like. We'll also mention just how much we hate Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue who are bonafide Dick's Pricks. First up Randy gives his opinion on Cher.

Apparently the recent act F.A.S.T. campaign didn't work 'cause this slighty faced tone death cow has had more strokes than a chronic masturbator. The last two Saturday nights have seen hate filled tweets fill Twitter all aimed at this irratating mong. Well I fucking hate her, she's a mini Cheryl and she can't fucking sing. Oh Cher MC Hammer called he wants his pants back.

Next Chet discusses Mary and his erectile disfunction

It was the drink you see. It stopped my pecker from springing to life. But then Saturday night it was reborn. Mary is a very handsome woman and she has a voice like Viagra. Her performance last Saturday was orgasmic at least for me.

Dick gets hard on Diva Fever

We had asked the Rev to review Diva Fever but he went off in a mad rage about the GayBo Agenda and we found him walking the streets in his underwear holding a packet of Kleenex roaring that it doesn't make him gay. We're not sure what "it" is but we've let him have the week off. Diva Fever... well they were camp weren't they? What else can you say.

Zanzibar on Aiden

Ummm he's a real dreamboat. I wouldn't mind having him all to myself whilst wearing that lovely straight jacket from last week's show. You wouldn't be able to escape me then.

Merton judges Katie

Oh look it's the world most unoriginal original performer. Yeah she wants to be penis wielding tranny Lady Gaga we get it. But she can't sing and her frigging chin makes her looks like the Joker. Fuck you Katie you shit bag.

Jimmy on Nicolo

The scary mental man makes me cry!

And now for the big one! We here at C.o.M.H. Tower are proud to support our favourite. The one the only Josef Fritzl! Josef has had a tough few years and we're glad he's trying to move away from all that incest sex dungeon business and put his talents to good use. Good luck Josef we believe in you and so does Mike!

This week Cliff is looking shit hot in the pool.

Welcome to the first Tool Report with me Randy Badger. This week I'm reporting on C.o.M.H.'s biggest tool greasy sex fiend Daniel Radcliffe. I was reading this week that the talentless little shit wants to bang some dancers he's working with.

This is what the monkey Scrotum had to say:

The 21-year-old, who reportedly lost his virginity at 16 to a Harry Potter hairdresser seven years his elder, told Dazed & Confused magazine: "I've been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I'm single. I said to a friend the other day, 'Dude, I'm doing a show with dancers. I've got to be single.' He was like, 'Don't sleep with anyone in your show. That's a mistake.' It's good advice. But I'm not sure I'll stick to it."

What a creepy fucking little prick he really is. He's a grade A tool.

We now move on to a better class of actor. It is of course the legendary Grinty enjoy his beauty in this delightful image.

Well gang I hope you enjoyed the latest A Dose of Dick, we'll be back next week and follow our X Factor commentary on Twitter.

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls

Sunday, 11 July 2010

How To Spot A Gay

Greetings to all that readeth The World of Dick. Reverend Black here once more. This time around I will guide you in the war against the GayBo alliance (the allegiance between the gays and the lesbos). We all know of course that the GayBos were put on this earth by the Devil to corrupt the pure and the innocent. With the help of my able assistants Daniel Dyer and Orange Juice Simpson I now present you a guide on how to spot one of these bum banditos.

1. An unhealthy interest in musicals

Does the gentleman in question own anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber? Does he know that Les Miserables is a musical and not a nickname for the French world cup squad? Does he find John Barrowman entertaining rather than irratating? Then you've got a gay.

2. Too much Vaseline on the shelf?

How much is too much? Any amount of Vaseline is too much for a norm. Check the share prices of the Vaseline company, have they gone up constantly in the time your male friend has been sexually active. If they have then well sir you have a gay.

3. Leather clothing

Only gays wear leather that is an elemental law of the universe. So if your buddy has taken to wearing leather shorts, you've got a gay. If he's matching his leather shorts with any sort of sleveless top then you've got a super gay and better get yourself tested for AIDS straight away because as we all know, just coming into contact with a super gay is enough to catch the disease.

4. Regular HIV tests

AIDS or the gay disease to give it it's scientific name is only caught by gayness. If your male friend is heard saying "gee whizz I'm nervous about my latest AIDS test," then you've got yourself a gay. Load up the shotgun and put him out of his misery.

5. Worshipping at the feet of the King Gay

The gays have a king, a man so gay that both his first and last names sound suspiciously similar to slang terms for penis (cock and wang do you see?). If you ever hear your male friend so "I sure wish that Gok Wan would do me!" then my friend you've got a gay.

"Never turn your back on a gay. The average gay thinks about raping a norm every 7 seconds."

"Being gay makes god cry. Look at all those celebrity gays, Elton John, Matt Lucas, The Village People, Right Said Fred, they've all made god cry that's why we have floods. Sodomy causes tsunamis."

There are of course several other ways of spotting gays and I'm sure your familiar with them all. Together we can get rid of all these heathens and fill the world with the church loving people like Catholics and Muslims who never do anything wrong.

Peace & Love

Reverend Black

To Catch A Pervert with Chet Ajabagger & Mike Van Dyke
Randy's Soap Box with Randy Badger
Going Down To Poo Town with Jimmy Dense
How To Spot An Ethnic Minority with Reverend Black