Friday 18 December 2009

The Dickies!




Hello and welcome to the first annual Dicky Awards, CoMH's annual celebration of all that's Picky and Pricky. Sorry for the delay in posting them but Chet arranged our Christmas Party and we've been trapped in an Amsterdam Sex Dungeon since Christmas Eve. If Jimmy hadn't found that skeleton key in his poo I don't know how we would have escaped...Anyway on to the Dickies!

Religious Pick of the Year


3rd Place: Angels
Everyone I'm sure remembers that angels can help you find guinea pigs and diabetes and for that we salute them once again.


2nd Place: Jesus
Yes everyone's favourite Messiah drops to second place this year, which religious icon could possibly have beaten him?


The Winner: The Prophet Mike Huggins



Who else could win Religious Pick of the Year, yes it's our very own Prophet Mike, the man who led to the creation of CoMH. Praise Mike for he is the light of our lives.


Religious Prick of the Year


3rd Place: Fitz Nobble
Religious nonce and former CoMH employee Fitz caused controversy this year when he started bumming Albino's. He also did bad things to brother O.J. when they were in prison...Fitz is currently on the run and we appeal to anyone who knows where he is to turn him in.


2nd Place: King Herod
Just leave Jesus alone you bastard, if Herod had his way there would be no Christmas or Easter is that what you want people?


The Winner: The Pope


He's still encouraging the Africans to catch AIDS and he's still being a major douche, so that makes him my religious prick of the year!


"Celebrity" Pick of the Year


3rd Place: Jedward
Jedward broke all records this year when they became the first Prick to become a Pick, we salute you boys.


2nd Place: Grinty
Grinty (a.k.a. the disgusting ginger one from Harry Potter or Ron Weasley to his friends) broke all records this year when he became the second Prick to become a Pick which led to Daniel Radcliffe taking the lead in the all time Prick ratings.


The Winner: Peter Andre


It's been a tough year for Pete, he realised he was married to Jordan the most repugnant creature in the universe but now he's ditched her and we've made him our celebrity pick of the year.


"Celebrity" Prick of the Year


5th Place: Donny Osmond
This is the most hotly contested award and it was hard to pick a "winner". Donny gets his place in the list for screwing me over on Dancing with the Stars.


4th Place: Lady Gaga
Seriously...what the hell?


3rd Place: Lily Allen
Face like a pug with Down's, voice like being raped by an AIDS infected horse, what is her appeal?


2nd Place: Cheryl Cole
You know why she's here, I know why she's here and hopefully by now she'll know why she's here.


The Winner: Jordan


She held the top place in Dick's Pricks for 4 record breaking consecutive weeks, she broke Pete's heart and today she's played by a dog in a tuxedo, yes it's Jordan. Big surprise eh?


Acting Pick of the Y ear


3rd Place: The Hoff
Legend 'nuff said.


2nd Place: Michael Sheen
Damn fine actor, damn fine.


The Winner: Phil off Eastenders



The finest actor the world has ever produced is like fine wine, he gets better with age. As a great man once said "I shit the Mitchell brothers" and I'd be very proud to shit Phil off Eastenders very proud indeed.


Acting Prick of the Year


3rd Place: Cedric from Harry Potter
You are no actor sir and I must insist you stop pretending.


2nd Place: Danny Dyer
Perhaps you just need to find the right role eh Danny? I'd find it believable if you played a mentally handicapped yob that enjoys comedy football DVDs...


The Winner: Daniel Radcliffe




First ten minutes of Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix that's all I'm saying.


Sports Pick of the Year


5th Place: Jenson Button

Well done Jenson, if we actually cared about Formula 1 you'd probably have won sports pick of the year to.

4th Place: Reggie Bush

Reggie, Reggie, Reggie!

3rd Place: Hulk Hogan

Hulkamania is back!

2nd Place: Brian Clough

Dead but not forgotten, what a legend.

The Winner: Ryan Giggs



Mainly just so we can show that picture again HAHAHAHAHA!


Sports Prick of the Year


5th Place: Doug Osmond

No one knows who you are and that's why you're a prick.

4th Place: Newcastle United

HAHAHAHAHA it's still funny.

3rd Place: Comedy Football DVDs especially Danny Dyer's

Why do you do it Danny? They are not funny, Man Fall's Over Ball is just terrible....

2nd Place: Terry Henry

I will never use a Henry hoover again because of you Terry! I'm gonna have to hire an illegal immigrant to clean my office because of you Terry! Oh and you did something involving Soccerball and the Irish you bastard.

The Winner: Tiger Woods




We all looked to you, and you just slept with women. You let us all down.


Celebrity Sex Offender of the Year


2nd Place: Gary Glitter

It's a surprise but Gary only makes it to number 2 in a year where all he's really done is get hanged on Channel 4. Better luck next year Gary.

The Winner: Josef Fritzl



Is he a celebrity sex offender or is he just a celebrity because he's a sex offender? I guess it doesn't matter in this celebrity obsessed time, well done Josef you disgusting excuse for a man.


Pick of the Year


3rd Place: Cockermouth

You know it's still funny.

2nd Place: Little Jimmy Osmond

Maybe next year Jimmy, maybe you'll be number one.

Winner: Peter Andre



Pete deserves this, he's had sex with Jordan and no good man deserves that and Mysterious Girl is a damn fine song.


Prick of the Year


5th Place: Polar Bears

HAHA the polar ice is melting...

4th Place: John Shaft and his S.C.R.O.TU.M.

John Shaft is a monumental prick and I laugh at his attempts to ban my blog.

3rd Place: Donny Osmond

I should have won that Glitterball trophy, damn you Donny!

2nd Place: Daniel Radcliffe

In our hearts you'll always be a prick and a talentless "actor".

Winner: Jordan/ Katie Price




This time played by the Elephant Man who is at least ten times as sexy as Jordan. You know why she's the prick of the year.


Most Important Person What Died This Year:


5th Place: Which ever wrestler dies nearest to publication of this article

This is likely to change at any moment so you can add your own name. We commiserate the passing of (insert dead wrestlers name here), we'll miss you buddy.

4th Place: Patrick Swayze

Rest in Peace noble sir.

3rd Place: Stephen Gately

We still miss you

2nd Place: Pauline off Eastenders

Heaven is lucky to have you


Winner: Michael Jackson







May you moonwalk in paradise for all eternity


Man of the Decade


Winner: Phil off Eastenders





No one comes close to Phil off Eastenders he is CoMH's Man of the Decade, long may he continue to be a better actor than Ross Kemp.


Prick of the Decade


Winner: Jeremy Kyle






The Prick who must not be named. The dark prince of douchery. Yes an arsehole so Prickish he's never been a Dick's Prick because it just doesn't seem a big enough insult. He is the gypsy prince that taunts the thick and poor. You are the biggest prick of all Jeremy.

Monday 14 December 2009

Christmas Dick






HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas from everyone here at C.o.M.H. Welcome to my final blog of 2009, after next week’s award ceremony I’m off on my holidays so there won’t be anymore Dose of Dick until February. But don’t fret dear readers the blog will continue in my absence. I’ve managed to wrangle some special celebrity guest editors to step in whilst I’m away including Nelson Mandela, Gary Glitter and Derek Acorah. Well for now my friends enjoy the last Picks & Pricks of 2009, O.J.’s Christmassy murder fantasy, more Jordan rumours, Jimmy’s Christmas poo and a Christmassy Thought of the Day.




1. Jesus Christ, Superstar




Who else could you have as a pick at this time of year? Happy Birthday J.C.!

2. Santa



It’s a busy time for the big lad and we here at C.o.M.H. salute you.

3. Ryan Giggs




OK this isn’t very Christmassy but the Welsh wizard has been named the BBC’s Sport’s Personality of the Year and we here at C.o.M.H. salute you also.

4. Teletext




After nearly two decades Teletext closes down this week, you young whipper snappers with your interweb and your Pac man video games probably don’t care about Teletext but to us old geezers it meant a lot.




1. Scrooge




Damn you Scrooge and your miserly ways! Cheer up mate it’s Christmas.

2. King Herod



Leave Jesus alone you bastard!

3. Comedy Football DVDs



Danny Dyer’s Man with Ball Falls Over. Danny Baker’s Goalkeeper falls over. Ray Winstone’s Men Get Hit in Crotch with Football. Every year you can guarantee some “celebrity” pillock will release one of these god awful “hilarious” football DVDs which involves footballers falling over or not scoring goals and quite frankly I’m sick of them. Last year I got Daniel Radcliffe’s Guide to Diving and Jordan’s Balls on Chin (I’m pretty sure it was a football DVD…). If I get Donny Osmond’s Football Howler’s I will not be happy.
4. The Grinch




He stole Christmas… ‘Nuff said.




Keeping in the spirit of the season this week I’ve been thinking about how I’d kill the Grinch who stole Christmas. I think I’d probably strangle him with some tinsel. I’d then chop up his body wrap it up and give it to John Shaft of S.C.R.O.T.U.M. as a Christmas present. But I wouldn’t do that…would I?




This week: It’s Mistletoe! So any sexy lady’s that want a taste of Jimmy D. better meet me under it!





Hey guys it’s really super to be back with a set of special Christmas Jordan rumours:

1. Jordan stole Christmas
2. Jordan doesn’t want to feed the world but she does know it’s Christmas.
3. Jordan was the short fat burglar in Home Alone 1 and 2




"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included," Bernard Manning, comedian, dead, massive racist, nothing to do with turkeys

Wednesday 9 December 2009




Welcome to the last traditional Dose of Dick of 2009, next week we have A Dose of Christmas Dick and the week after will be the Dickies, CoMH's official award ceremony where we celebrate the best Picks and Pricks of the year and the decade. But this week it's business as usual, we've got Jimmy's poo discoveries, Zanzibar's Jordan rumours, a new fashion column with former Redcar steel worker Ned O'Reilly, more O.J. and old favourites Dick's Picks & Pricks and Thought of the Day all for your reading pleasure. And I have some very exciting news! In the new year we are launching a new blog that will feature classic Doses of Dicks from our old myspace blog so keep an eye out for Classic Dick coming to Blogger next year!



1. Chasey Lane




Yes Chet's former adult film co-star and on again off again lover is celebrating her birthday this week. She's 38 and as the great Jimmy Pop will tell you she's had alot of Dick, and now she's had A Dose of Dick to.


2. Dan Petrescu



He looks like a muppet and his name sounds like a charitable act (pet rescue geddit?), Dan we salute you. You also look alot like David Duchovny, which is cool.

3. The Stig




Yes, he wears a helmet and no one sees his face, like Darth Vader but a bit more popular. What a legend.





1. Global Warming




Yes Global Warming, the gayest thing since Liberache, is a real prick. Why should we care? Because the Polar Bears will be homeless? Seriously who gives a shit Polar Bears are pricks anyway and as I proved in the last Dose of Dick, they're quite happy to live in hot places.

2. Donny Osmond




Yes it's Donny dearests birthday this week and to celebrate this we're making him equal to Jordan on the number of Dick's Pricks appearences, one behind world record holder Daniel Radcliffe. If you insist on continuing your life Donny, you dance cheat you, then I'm gonna keep making you a prick.

3. Michael McIntryre


Yes the china man with Down's Syndrome is back, this time where he belongs in Dick's Pricks. This posh voiced, pan faced dick monkey must be stopped. We're planning on sending Brother O.J. after him so he can start a new column called "When I Did It".

4. Zhang


This man is beaten by his wife so often that he's made her sign a contract agreeing to beat him only once a week. What a Prick.



This week: The face of the Prophet Mike Huggins, all hail Mike!


Hey gang and welcome back to Hot Gossip with me Zanzibar Krotchtown, the biggest bitch in town. Here are all the latest Jordan rumours:
1. Jordan has been injected with so much botox that if a group of cannibals ate her they'd die instantly.
2. Jordan is the second in command of the Scientology and has a thetan level of one million, making her even more of a prick than Tom Cruise
3. Jordan never blinks, and she roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.

4. Jordan sleeps upside down like a bat
5. Jordan naturally faces magnetic north


This week our new fashion editor, Ned O'Reilly tells you how you can afford all the latest high street fashions:
Get a fookin' job and save your fookin' money, yer feckin' eejits!


This week I've been thinking about killing John Shaft, the head of S.C.R.O.T.U.M. I think I'd like to first shave his ginger beard and make him eat it and whilst he chokes on his thick hair I'd insert a fish in his anus because he is leathally allergic to fish, he'd have a severe alergic reaction and die. Case closed. But I'd never do that...would I?


"Once there was a complaint on my desk from the disabled unit, suggesting that my discreet milking sessions might stop a disabled person having a wee." Rosie Millard, former BBC employee who breast fed John Humphries, allegedly.

Meet The Team


Hello and welcome to a very special edition of A Dose of Dick. It's been nearly a year since I started my little blog and in that time it's grown from a brief word from me to a full length lifestyle magazine. Over the last few months I've been joined by many members of the CoMH team bringing you brilliant new articles on everything from poo contents to cxelebrity gossip. Today I pay tribute to all the members that help create A Dose of Dick for your reading pleasure.
Enjoy!
Dick Smalls, CoMH Chief Executive


1. Dick Smalls



Who he?

The head of CoMH, he's been putting the Dick in A Dose of Dick since early 2009. Dick is of course the founder of the blog and his Picks and Pricks have been entertaining the nation for the best part of a year.

2. Chet Ajabagger



Who he?

Chet is the second in command of CoMH. Chet is a reformed alcoholic and has a degree in journalism and after finally beating his addiction this summer he launched his "Hard News" column which exposes corruption and betrayal. Expect to see a lot more of Chet's work in 2010.

3. Jimmy Dense


Who he?

Jimmy is perhaps the most popular member of the CoMH team, he writes the beloved "What's in my poo this week" and has also contributed such articles as "Celebrity Down's Syndrome". He also fills our quota for mentally handicapped staff. Expect to find out what's in Jimmy's poo next year!

4. Zanzibar Krotchtown


Who he?

Zanzibar is one of the newest members of the CoMH family and is as gay as the day is long. Zanzibar's popular "Hot Gossip" column has been responsible for several exclusives this year including the fact Jordan only has one testicle.


5. O.J. Simpson



Who he?

O.J. is certainly not a murderer, but you know from his "If I Did It" column that if he was a murderer he'd be the best murderer ever.

6. Buzzy Gastro



Who he?

Along side his civil partner Lundy Cupp it's been a while since he last got involved with A Dose of Dick but Buzzy G as he's known to his crew is still out there working hard to help disenfranchised teens, he also contributes to the CoMH cookbook available at all good book shops.

7. Lundy Cupp




Who he?
The Cupp's Half Full was one of the most profound postings on our original blog back on myspace but Lundy has yet to get involved with the blog since we jumped ship to Blogger but don't fret he will be returning in 2010 with more inspirational advice.

8. Ned O'Reilly



Who he?

The newest member of the Dose of Dick team has yet to make his debut, but the loveable Irish rogue will be bringing you fashion tips and ideas. Keep an eye out for Ned because he's gonna be the next big thing in fashion!

9. Lando Bumbadear



Who he?

Well Lando has been with the blog since the beginning but it's unlikely you'll have known of his excistence. He's the head researcher and has been responsible for the Words of Wisdom/ Thought of the Day that's made your life worth living.

10. Merlin Smalls





Who he?

He's the tea boy and creator of all those nifty logos we use here on the blog.

11. John Virgo




Who he?


Former pro snookerer and our new political editor J.V's new column "Political Pot Shot" will be debuting in the new year.

12. Larry Smalls



Who he?

The son of Dick and head of public relations here at CoMH.