Friday 21 May 2010

How To Spot A Monkey Spanker





Greetings to all who readeth The World of Dick. I am Reverend Black. I have been recruited by Mr. Richard Smalls to provide a more spiritual side to C.o.M.H. Each week I will provide you dear readers with a sermon that will help enrich your pointless lives. I have scoured the world seeking the most suitable people to be my minions in this task and I believe I have found them. Each week I will be aided by Mr. Daniel Dyer and Mr. Orange Juice Simpson. Together we can help you rediscover your faith.


Sermon #1:
How To Spot A Wanker

Masturbation has spread through the youth of this nation like a disease. Recent research shows than an average of 70% of teenage boys believe spanking the monkey is the most important thing in life. Through this sermon I hope to help you spot which disgusting youth is a masturbator. Most masturbators are between the ages of 12 and 19, all masturbators are male as girls are far too sweet and innocent to even consider such a depraved act and girls do not have a penis so I can't imagine anyway a girl could masturbate, most masturbators possess hairy palms and quite a few are actually blind. Here are a few tips for spotting a salad tosser:

1. Giant Hands




If you meet someone with extra large hands you've got a masturbator. All that masturbating leads to increased hand size.

2. The Miracle of Shame



Notice a strange smell in your potential masturbators bedroom? Tissue that's stiff as a board? Soiled sheets and underwear? If you confront them and they appear shameful then you've got a masturbator.

3. Know Your Sperm




Sperm is the enemy in our war against masturbation. And if we want to win this war then we must know our enemy. Get to know your sperm, it's taste, it's smell, it's texture. All sperm is different so try and get to know other people's sperm to. Once you know your sperm you'll be able to detect any in a 1 mile radius.





"Masturbation really does make you go blind. Stevie Wonder was the World Masturbation Champion in 1967 and look at him now."

One tip for spotting a masturbator that comes from those wacky guys at ChristWire is to sniff the suspects mattress and say it smells like semen. If they run from the room in tears then you know you've got a masturbator.

If you follow these helpful hints then you should be able to root out the monkey spankers and help them give up the devil's sport. For persistent masturbators who carry on with the act even though that each time they produce man milk they make Mike Huggins cry there is only one option. Chop off their right hand.



"Use these helpful images to help you spot a masturbator."



Well hopefully you've found my first sermon helpful. This is the first step on the long road to saving the souls of those who worship at the feet of Mike Huggins.
Until next time

Peace & Love

Reverend Black

Damn Honky Chicken Broke My Wiener




Do the KKK run KFC?

Does KFC make black men impotent?

These are the questions we will be answering in this month's Michael Van Dyke Investigates.

Hi I'm Michael Van Dyke and welcome to the first of my investigations. Recently I've been investigating fast food emporium Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have recieved literally three e-mails telling me of a conspiracy theory involving their chicken and men of the dark skinned persuassion. Here's the claim I was tasked with investigating:

"It is sometimes claimed that the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise is owned by the Ku Klux Klan, and the chicken is laced with a drug that makes only black men impotent."

How best to proceed?

Well obviously I needed to get inside the KFC organisation so I applied for a job at my local restaurant. I lied on the application, painting myself as a chicken frying super star and it worked. I got an interview!

However once again I was met with the usual prejudice and the bastards at KFC couldn't see past my bandages. They may have thrwarted my attempts to absorb myself into the company but I would not give up.

I sent a letter to the head office of KFC asking whether they were ruled by the KKK and if they were working towards destroying the black erection. I recieved this reply:

"Dear Mr. Van Dyke,
We are not owned or operated by the KKK you black bastard. If you contact our organisation again we will start burning crucifixes in your yard.
Whitey Hatesnegroes, CEO of KFC"

Case closed? Perhaps. I decided to do a scientific test. I, of course, can not reveal if I'm black or not as that would risk revealing my true identitiy. So I turned to the only black guy I know Maurice Badger.


I decided to lock Grandpa Maurice in a cupboard with a bucket of KFC, a stack on porn and a box of tissues. After an hour I released him and asked him how he felt. This was his response:

"Damn cracker chicken broke my wiener."

After this I gave him a bottle of Viagra and the Jordan sex tape. He was still unable to achieve erection. We did the same test with a Chinese Man, a Mexican and Jimmy Dense. Maurice was the only one unable to perform sexually. So it would appear that it is true, KFC does make black guys impotent.

Legal mumbo jumbo

*The KFC Franchise is owned by an African American which suggests that the letter we recieved was a joke and they don't really believe I'm a black bastard.

*Maurice Badger is 75 years old and hasn't had an erection since 1987.

*The Chinese Guy looked Chinese but could have been Japanese.

*Maurice Badger had to have his stomach pumped after he took too many viagra, kids play safe one pill is enough.

Saturday 15 May 2010

We Don't Really Understand Politics But We're Angry Anyway


Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the first Dose of Dick at our new home. I hope you're enjoying life here at The World of Dick where you can find A Dose of Dick, Randy's World of Hate, Going Down To Poo Town and Don't Believe The Truth with Michael Van Dyke. Well this week's Dose of Dick has a very political feel to it and I think it compliments Randy's most recent post nicely. This week we've got Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, The Big Question, Do You Remember?, Thought of The Day and Grinty A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words. As you know summer is fast approaching and once again I will be taking a break from the blog to go and spread the word of Mike to the rest of the world. Whilst I'm away A Dose of Dick will be in the hands of our new friend Reverand Black of The Church of Hell & Pain & All That Evil Stuff, I hope you'll show him the same love and respect you show me.



1. Gordon Brown


Yeah he's gone and we're gonna miss him. Ok he was creepier than that old guy who used to feel me up in the children's home but at least he wasn't David Cameron.

2. Scotland



The Scots made it very clear that they don't want Cameron and we love them for that. It's likely we will be relocating to Scotland in the not too distant future.

3. James Leopold Dense



It's Jimmy's birthday on Monday so make sure you send him your birthday wishes on Facebook.



1. Fearne Cotton



I'm sure you were expecting David Cameron but he's already got a roasting off Randy this week. So we've decided to go for Radio 1 mongoloid Fearne Cotton. Why? Well there's that god awful advert for Radio 1's Big Weekend where she mongs out over something called Pendulum and secondly we caught the end of her interview with Paris Hilton the other night. She described Hilton as somone who works incredibly hard...What the fudge?!? Total prick behaviour.

2. (p)Rick Edwards & Anyone else involved in Yoof TV


I hate pRick Edwards, he is a prick as is everyone else that hosts T4 or anything on BBC3. I hate you all so damn much. And young people that think this prick is funny and clever put yourself on this list of prickery.

3. Danny Dyer



This is the first time that a member of the C.o.M.H. team has been a prick but Danny really deserves it. He should be here every week because he's the biggest prick at C.o.M.H. but this week we're not impressed with his agony uncle column where he advised a man to cut his ex girlfriend's face so that no one else would want her. I think Mr. Dyer should check out Dear Randy to find out how to give good advice.

4. Ginger kid off Bootiful Chicken Advert


What the hell is going on? If you want to sell something especially food you don't get a disgusting ginger to sing at it. Well as it's Jimmy's birthday we've agreed to post the picture of the ginger kid as a testicle eating pirate he drew on Paint. Enjoy!





Do you remember when we weren't completely f**ked? Yeah they were the good old days.





What a hunk.




This week: Our beautiful country which has now fallen under the control of that demon Cameron.


This week David Cameron vs. Adolf Hitler. Who is the worst?




Hitler was bad but at least he was pretty honest about it and we're not Jewish so he wouldn't have been to bad to us. Cameron wants to screw us and he will.




Cameron is the biggest monster in the world right now. And in this case he may be the winner but we are all losers.


"I do not enjoy the act of pooing I just enjoy the end result," James Leopold Dense, blogger, retard


Friday 14 May 2010

We've Moved!!!!

Hey guys. Good news you can now find all C.o.M.H. blogs in one place, we're also joined by our good friend Mike Van Dyke. Just click on the C.o.M.H. logo below to enter The World of Dick.

D. C. I.S. A. F.I.N.G. C.N.T.






Hello dear readers and welcome to another adventure in my world of hate. This week we have a selection of Randy's Retards, another of my rants, another edition of Ask Grandpa, who I'd like to see return as a zombie and a brand new feature about history's biggest retards.



1. People who voted Conservative



What the fuck were you fucking thinking you brain dead fucking retards? You've handed over power to that pan faced cunt David Cameron who will ruin us all. This twat is only interested in screwing us over and as a nation you've all bent over and handed him the Vaseline well not me. Any law he passes I will break, every time he screws you over I will laugh. I'm packing my bags and moving where the Tories aren't welcome. Scotland here I come!


2. Old People


God I fucking hate old people. It's bad enough you don't have the fucking decency to die but then you insist on leaving your houses and getting in my fucking way everywhere I go. You smell of piss and offer nothing valuable to society. Why not just fuck off and die? And why is it that old people are like Pokemon? They have various levels of evolution. You've got your standard old person which can evolve in to a crippled old person that will travel around in one of those god damn battle tanks old people have. Well I say it's time we took out this menace once and for all. Let's kill the elderly and David Cameron whilst we're at it.


3. Gingers




Ginger people really make me sick. They are fucking disgusting and make me won't to vomit my soul out. You have no souls and no right to walk our streets. Maybe it's time we sent them all to live on an island together and then drop an A Bomb on the filthy fuckers.

4. Nick Clegg



We fucking believed in you you fucking cunt and you went and handed power to that testicle shitting mongoloid Cameron. I fucking hate you Clegg you smelly twat.





This week my rant is about you the people of Britain. There are 15 million or so of you that have really fucked us over and led the greedy fucking turd burglars known as The Conservatives to power. The rich will now get richer whilst the rest of us get completely fucked thank you so fucking much you brain dead fuckwits. May you catch AIDS and die slow painful deaths.




This week Mike from Sheffield asks "Is a custard cream just an albino Bourbon?"

Grandpa Maurice answers: "No."




#2 Brian Clough



Old big head could lead this country to world cup glory this summer and he would never have selected Graeme Le Saux.




#1 Joseph Smith


Mormon's are retarded and Joseph Smith is the Mormon king. What a fucking retard.

Who Put The Boom In 9/11


Hello my fellow truth seekers Michael Van Dyke here. Welcome to my first post at my new home. I know it's been a very long time since my last post, let's just say the man's been keeping me down. Down, down in his underground secret government bunker, down. But I'm free once again to reveal the truth. This week I'm going to give you my top 5 suspects in the mystery of who was responsible for 9/11.


5) Chuck Norris



He certainly has the raw power and balls he could smash through any wall but did he have a motive?


4) Japanese Kamikaze pilot that accidentally flew through a time hole and reappeared by the World Trade Centre





What if as a Japanese Pilot was about to smash into someone and a portal to the future opened right in front of him and he was transported to 21st century New York unaware that the war was over. Doesn't this explain everything?


3) Hyperbolic Space Chicken called Ian





We all know Space Chickens love destruction, in my opinion they'd be more than happy to mastermind a terrorist attack.


2) George Bush



Surely the most sensible answer is that George W. Bush and his government masterminded the whole scheme to allow them to declare war on terrorists and get all the oil in the world!


1) John Travolta



In my eyes there is only one man who could have masterminded something as diabolical as the 9/11 attacks and that man is John Travolta. I present this evidence to you: John Travolta has a pilot's licence!!! And his career has been indestructible no matter how many bad films he's made he's always bounced back why can't his body do the same?

The Voice of C.o.M.H.

This time I've asked my new colleagues here at C.o.M.H. who they think was behind 9/11.

Dick Smalls, A Dose of Dick: "In my opinion it was all masterminded by the U.S. Government, I wouldn't be surprised if Tom Delay was in some way responsible.

Randolph Badger, Randy's World of Hate: "I've always had my suspicions about Graeme Le Saux..."

James Leopold Dense, Going Down To Poo Town: "Me think it was very, very bad man."

Grandpa Maurice Badger, Randy's World of Hate: It was terrorists man, Osama Bin Laden and all that lot.

Danny Dyer, Danny Dyer's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: "I bet it was Dick Van Dyke like with his fake cockerney accacent that he does in that documentary Mary Poppins. E's not a real cockerney like me."