Friday 29 January 2010




Cockney Rhyming Slang Translations by
Professor Steve "Apple & Pears" Mitchell, head of Cockney at the University of Cockton


WANNABE COCKNEY ALERT!
The following blog was written by a man that believes Bert from Mary Poppins was a realistic representation of the people of London. This man believes cockney rhyming slang is acceptable and insists on using words like geezer and bird. Continued exposure to his writings can lead to a loss of intelligence. You have been warned.

Alright my old Chinas (cockney ryhming slang for mate), Danny Dyer world's finest actor 'ere fillin' in for me ol' mucker Dicky Smalls. This week it's all about me and what I think about everyfing so you know it's gonna be Robin Hood (cockney rhyming slang for good). You'll get to see my Diamond Geezers and Total Ebenezer's (Danny Dyer speak for Dick's Picks and Dick's Pricks), my favourite Dolly Mixture (cockney for picture) of me old kitchen sink (this is cockney for jail I'm not sure Danny actually knows much cockney rhyming slang but he tries bless him) and some proper smart words what came from me marth (Danny Dyer speak for mouth I think).


1. Birds



Oh man I love right fit birds. When I'm having a Tommy Tank (a one handed sexual act) I love to think of a fit bird and her ballroom blitz (breasts) and sometimes even her uncle bob (this means penis I assume Danny was trying to say vagina but got confused). Yeah I love me birds, I like posh totty (women who don't enjoy Danny Dyer films) and I love slags (women that don't like Danny Dyer films but will have sex with him because he's famous).

2. Football


Yeah geezer up the hammers (a football team, the London Hammers I believe). I love footy me if I wasn't such a good actor I'd prolly 'ave played for Engerland like. I'da banged 'undred goals against them Germs in the world cup final.

3. Hilarious Comedy Football DVDs


Only one thing I lav (love) more than footy and that's comedy football DVD's like my legendary release Man with Ball Falls Over. They're a right Stefi Graf (laugh yeah I know it's stupid but it's better than Turkish Bath). If you like comedy football DVDs go out and buy mine now you slags!



1. Shopping


I hate it when me Lemon Curd (woman, yes it's ridiculous people actually talk like this and think it's funny and clever) drags me off round the shops looking at tampons and s**t. I mean it's bad enough she's given me marble slabs (pubic lice, Jesus I spent ten years at university studying this rubbish. I've wasted my life) then she makes me sit outside whilst she spends 'ours looking at knickers.


2. Germans




We won 2 - 0 dint we lads eh? World war one and two suck on those sweaty meat and potato pies fritz! Right lads?

3. Micky Mousers


Gawd I hate them bloody Micky Mousers (you wanna know what it means? Well why don't you waste ten years of your life in university studying bloody cockney yourself? What's the point in me learning it all if I'm just gonna share the knowledge with any Tom, Dick and Harry that asks me) they're a bunch of total ebenezers.



'E can't decide if he's gonna strum on 'is instrument or bash some balls with his racquet, what a diamond geezer!

"My old woman took a picture of my dinner the other day. It was so big, it had to come on a platter instead of a plate – there were 15 or 16 ribs on there. I don’t really eat during the day, so I like a big, naughty dinner in the evening. You don’t want to go anywhere near the khazi after me, mate!" Danny Dyer, actor, cockney geezer, potentially mentally handicapped

See what a legend I am, I talk proper smart don't I like?

A Message From Dick:

Hello dear reader Dick here just taking a break from my holiday. I'm sure many of you were surprise to see we'd invited Danny Dyer to be a guest editor (well Brian Blessed was busy and Phil off Eastenders refuses to return our calls) well the truth is we have been considering doing a Dick's Pricks Danny Dyer special then we realised the best way to demonstrate how high he is up in the echelons of prickery was let him speak for himself. Yes he used words like geezer and slag and yes he thinks that makes him the voice of the people. The only people he is the voice of are the people that write on the worlds in their own feces and think Danny Dyer films are intellectually stimultaing. If you enjoyed this blog or any of the films featuring Mr. Dyer then the only decent thing you can do is get steralized and probably consider suicide for good measure. Anyway next week Derek Acorah's in the hotseat. TTFN.

Monday 25 January 2010




Hello my people I am Nelson Mandela, you should of course know who I am. This week you won't be getting a dose of Dick but you'll be getting a taste of Nelson's Column instead. Do not worry though you will find all your favourites here, Heroes and Zeroes of the Week (like Dick's Picks and Pricks without Dick get it?), What's in my poo this week? with Jimmy Dense, Thought of the day and a new section Cliff Richard Picture of the week and a holiday postcard from Dick and Chet. Enjoy!





Jedward & Vanilla Ice


Has there ever been a colaboration we've needed to see more than this? I don't think so. I think once the world has united in peace Ice Ice Baby will become the world's anthem of choice.



Don't Stop Believing by Journey



God damn it am I seriously the only one sick of this bloody song. Guess what Journey I have stopped believing now f**k off.



Well this week in Jimmy's poo there was an alarming amount of blood. So he's spent the week in the local hospital and after throughly checking his poo we found out he's been eating razor blades. So that's what's in his poo this week, blood and razor blades. Nice.




Cliff working out and keep trim.


Greetings and salutations my fellow Huggynites Dick Smalls here. Me and Chet have been enjoying the sun here in Portugal. Here's a snap of me and my new lady friend:



Chet's having a great time, different woman every night, different man every morning. Anyway keep the faith and don't stop believing in the word of Mike.

Dick Smalls, Chairman of CoMH



"Shania Twain once performed at the Nobel Prize Peace Concert with Elton John and Phil Collins. You probably remember that year: they had to wrestle a Stanley knife off Nelson Mandela." Mark Lamarr, broadcaster

So true...Well I hope you enjoyed Nelson's Column, next time Danny Dyer using his amazing acting abilities and cockney charm will bring you more of your favourite goodies.

Peace and Love
Nelson

Saturday 23 January 2010

Thug Life After Death?



The Michael Van Dyke Casebook:



File #1: "The Tupac Shakur Case"


Hello I'm Michael Van Dyke and if you're reading this then you must have an open mind and be ready to hear the truth. As this is the first case I'm reviewing I thought I'd start with something a little less dark...

On September 7th 1996 popular rap artist Tupac Shakur was shot in a drive by shooting "dying" several days later. For many this is the end of the story but for us this is just the beginning.

Is Tupac really dead? I'm about to provide you with evidence that suggests that no he is not. I will provide you with nearly 15 years of evidence gathered by Tupac fans and other conspiracy theorists. I will also provide you with startling new evidence that will finally prove that 2Pac ain't dead homies!


Why do people think Shakur is still alive?

There are many, many theories surrounding the apparent death of Tupac Shakur. There is a strong belief that he faked his own death. But why would a hugely popular performer fake his death at the peak of his fame? What evidence is there to suggest he is alive? Are the Illuminati involved? Or perhaps the lizard people. What follows is the proof that Shakur still walks amongst us:


The 7 Day Theory:

Is the number 7 important to this case? I'd say so below are are a list of clues involving the number 7 that prove without a shred of doubt that Tupac lives!

Shakur was shot on September 7th

He survived seven days after being shot (including the day he was shot).

There are seven days in a week, Tupac was shot on one of those days and died on another coincidence?

Shakur's last album released whilst he was alive was released exactly seven months before his death.

The first album released after his "death" was called The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory and was recorded in seven days. The album also opens with the track Bomb First on which seven gunshots can be heard.

Tupac died at 4:03 PM. What do you get if you add these numbers together? That's right seven!

He was 25 years old at the time of his "death". Add this two digits together and you know what you get, seven once again! And is it just coinicidence that he died in 1996 which adds up to 25 alo and we all know what 2 and 5 add up to. Seven. Again.

There is rumoured to be a link between Tupac's shooting and fellow Hip Hop star Biggie Smalls. Well isn't seven one of the biggest small numbers?

http://foodcourtlunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/biggie_and_tupac.jpg

The night before Tupac died he watched the movie Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow which he only gave a 7 out of 10 because it did not feature the character Hightower who is 6ft 7 and also has size 16 feet add those two numbers together and yet again you get seven! Do you see?

http://www.delafont.com/specialty_acts/Specialty_Images/b-smith1.jpg

In the movie Gridlock'd (which starred Tupac) there is a scene where all the L's on a menu board have been replaced with 7's!

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVd80IfZwdIlv7m1QHWOa3QkKmuJxY2RaUREXCzgrxQ3BOXOYUcxuWCEgWrjnEEvjFZdkxAR6WiRlHqJApO4HJQ9Pm6icP_HLRzrGgALq0SsvhbHUm9H_5jS5YASOVBaKke6t7reFSGPE/s400/Gridlock'd+(1997).jpg

Tupac "had" a tattoo on his back with the reference Exodus 16:31 (which adds up to eleven which ryhmes with seven conveniant eh?) which is "So the people rested on the seventh day." A little strange don't you think?


Pretty conclusive stuff eh?


Further Evidence



Tupac "died" on Friday 13th a most suspicious day

Shakur was known to wear a bulletproof vest anywhere he went yet on the day of his shooting whilst visiting Las Vegas he decided to not wear it.

Tupac often rapped about his funeral yet following his "death" he was cremated, a little strange don't you think?

Tupac had taken on the monicker of Makaveli which if you move a few letters around becomes Mak alive! Another clue to truth perhaps.
Tupac is also known to have studied the works of Niccolò Machiavelli the Italian philisopher who inspired Tupac's change of name and who was renowned as a master of faking his own death. Perhaps Shakur learned a few lessons from his idol?

The first album released by Shakur following his apparent death features no tribute to the dead man which is a little odd...

On the cover of his 7 Day Theory album Shakur is seen being crucified is that a hint from Tupac that just like Jesus he will rise again? Tupac is known to have enjoyed bread and fish and often used it to feed his many friends isn't there someone else who was good at feeding people with bread and fish? Do you see?

On a recent record released by Shakur he is heard saying Rest in Peace Biggie Smalls who died after Tupac. How can he possibly have known? Could he see the future or perhaps he still walks amongst us...

On his more recent releases he mentions the current wave of rappers by name how is this possible. He refers to Eminem by his popular nickname of Em. Perhaps they use computers eh? Whoa this isn't Star Trek that kind of technology just doesn't exist.

Let's take a look at Shakur's autopsy photo:



Notice anything missing? That's right one of his tattoos is quite clearly not there. Obviously this is a Tupac look-a-like used to hide the truth! You need proof? Then compare it to this:

http://www.2pac2k.de/imgs/tattfront.jpg


Perhaps my word isn't enough for you, perhaps you need to hear the opinions of other experts. How about the opinions of Alicia Keys? She's bound to have some valid points.



http://www.yorapper.com/Photos/alicia-keys-tickets.gif

Keys maintains that "Gangsta Rap" doesn't really exist and is just an attempt to make black people kill each other. So what does she think when it comes to the Tupac case? She believes that the government engineered the feud between Shakur and Biggie Smalls to prevent another black leader emerging. This is of course rubbish as there is now a reasonably black leader of the free world and we all know Tupac isn't really dead.

Well I've presented you with the details and now you must decide for yourselves whether Tupac Shakur is alive or dead. Before you make your minds up let me share with you the opinions of my fellow Truthers.


The Voice of the People

Each week I will include the best correspondonce I have recieved on the topic we're discussing. This weeks topic has been a popular one and I have recieved countless e-mails from readers who want to share their theories. Here are a selection of the most interesting e-mails.

C.G.B. Spender writes: "One word for ya The Illuminati! No one else could pull off such an eleborate hoax. Shakur challenged The Illuminati on one of his songs and they taught him a lesson. He works for them, he's part of the global conspiracy now!"

Deep Throat writes: "2Pac was friends with Jada Pinkett, who married Will Smith. Will Smith was known as the Fresh Prince. Prince sang a song called head. 2Pac had a head, head rhymes with dead. Coinicdence?"

trustno1 writes: "I'd be sued for suggesting that 2Pac and the Notorious B.I.G. were involved with in a love affair so I won't say it. But imagine if two men in a notoriously homophobic business found love in each others arms and knew that their friends and fans could never accept their relationship. Wouldn't faking their deaths and running away to a tropical island to spend their lives together make sense?"

thuglife4eva writes "Nah man my nigga paccy ent dead. He out tha w8ing to cum bac bigga and betta than eva b4 in 2013 itll be da bomb!"

funzonefan writes "2Pac's not dead, he's living on THE island man with the rest of them, Elvis, Biggie, Hitler. They're all there and they're all alive"


Tupac Sightings

To conclude this edition of Don't Believe The Truth I will show you some of the recent sightings of the apparently dead Shakur.


http://showclix.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/tupac_lives_0002_layer_4_copy_2_full.jpg


http://celeb-news.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/tupac-alive-60.jpg





Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I believe I have offered you all that you need to know to see the truth in this case. If you feel you have anything you would like to add to this or any future article please feel feee to e-mail me at thetruthmovement@hotmail.co.uk. And always remember Don't Believe The Truth...

Next time: Elvis Lives!!!

Introduction

My name is Michael Van Dyke and I know the truth.

If you want to know it to then read on...

If not look away now because this blog will blow your mind.

I was born the day John Fitzgeral Kennedy was assassinated. Perhaps that is what sealed my destiny. Perhaps I am the reincarnated spirit of JFK sent back to expose the truth of what really happened on that day in Dallas...

I have spent most of my life trying to bring the truth to the masses. We live in a world that does not really exist. Everything we know is a lie. There is a "Shadow Government" that rule this world and they don't want you to know what is really happening. They cover up the truth, they make you believe the lies. 9/11, the JFK assassination, the deaths of Elvis, Tupac Shakur, Princess Diana and Michael Jackson and the life of Paul McCartney. You think you know the truth but as I will reveal what you know is wrong.

I will tell you what the government don't want you to know. My quest has cost me a great deal in my life. The government took my wife, destroyed my reputation and have forged documents saying I suffer from delusions but they can not silence me. The truth will be free.

The tissue of lies will be ripped into tiny pieces.

Remember, don't believe the truth because it's all a lie.

Dick's Pricks Bad Adverts Special


Hello and welcome to another Dick's Pricks special. This time we're focusing on the very bad TV adverts that we all hate. This is not a comprehensive list it's just a selection of ten of the worst. Enjoy sharing our hate my friends...

10. The Tissue of Lies (erm I mean Cillit Bang)



Plot of advert: Shouty man shouts, cleans pennies
What better to start than with the master of all liars. Yes it's "Barry Scott" or as he is now known Mr Shouty the lying bastard. That's all he does shout, shout, shout. And his name is not even Barry Scott. If he's lying about that what else is he lying about?

9. Up Your Viva Freakathon


Plot of advert: Creepy lady boy with bad teeth talks dirty to man in public toilet

Seriously what the hell is that? He ain't brother of mine, he can not be human. Someone really dropped a steamer in the gene pool with this freak. I promise you I will never Up My Viva on this creature's orders. Damn you freaky lady boy!

8. FAST Stroke




Plot of advert: Woman has stroke, we all laugh, she recovers

Yes we laughed to. Yes we know we're not supposed to. As youtube use hellraiser123 said "harsh as fuck. my grandad had a major stroke and died from blood flooding in teh brain. i wuldve normally laughed alot at this, same with disabled people you piss yourself at things untill it happens close by you then you realise how tight it is." But even so this is just a terrible advert and now I worry if anyone close to me has a stroke I'll end up having one myself from laughing too much.

7. Stop Smoking Advert with god awful singing children



Plot of advert: Spawn of the stupid sing in an attempt to stop their idiot parents killing themselves

I couldn't care less if my kids would do anything for me if they started singing this crap at me I'd smoke extra fags in an attempt to spread cancer to the little bastards through passive smoking.

6. Halifax Radio Advert



Plot of advert: Halifax mongoloids including fuzzy faced fatty above pretend that bankers are really friendly and not a bunch of greedy c**ts that screw us all over at every opportunity, basically they lie more than Barry Scott.

Dear bankers you are not my friend, giving me £5 a month will not make me trust you. You are scum Jimmy can't buy pick and mix from Woolworths anymore because of you. And everyone in this advert makes Daniel Radcliffe look like Laurence Olivier which is quite an achievment.

5. Car Spotter



Plot of advert: Homeless man sees car, wonders what it's worth (I have no idea why) so he decides to spend £7 texting a pointless service to find out

This is more confusing than anything. Surely telling a thief how much a car's worth is not the best idea. And what if it turns out your car is worth less than the £7 you spent on the texts? And seriously what the hell are these adverts about?

4. Cash my Gold with Dale Winton


Plot of advert: Creepy TV presenter Dale Winton harrasses stupid people into selling their gold for less than it's worth.

These gold scams have already been a feature of Dick's Pricks and this advert ain't gonna change that. Do we really need Dale Winton on TV? Do we want poncy students getting money for gold so they can carry on being smug gits with more money than those of us who work for a living?

3. Evian with Creepy Babies



Plot of advert: Horrendous babies dance/skate around like freaky bastards

Am I the only one seriously freaked out by this? These children have horrible evil faces! I believe than Evian is what created these freaks and I certainly won't be drinking it again.

2. Don't Run Over Disabled Ginger Children Advert


Plot of advert: Man sees dead ginger kid everywhere (under the desk is probably the best one)

We all know technically speaking running over a ginger kid with Down's Syndrome is "wrong". But seriously if you hit someone in your car got out and saw that lying on the floor would you feel guilty or would you feel like you'd made the world slightier beautiful place.

1. Go Compare with Smugly Fat Opera Singer


Plot of advert: People talk about car insurance fat man appears and sings about car insurance then sexually harrasses lobster

It was ok the first time but then he started taking the piss. Suddenly he can fly, is sexually attracted to lobsters and sings the same bloody tune every time.