Cockney Rhyming Slang Translations by
Professor Steve "Apple & Pears" Mitchell, head of Cockney at the University of Cockton

WANNABE COCKNEY ALERT!
The following blog was written by a man that believes Bert from Mary Poppins was a realistic representation of the people of London. This man believes cockney rhyming slang is acceptable and insists on using words like geezer and bird. Continued exposure to his writings can lead to a loss of intelligence. You have been warned.

Alright my old Chinas (cockney ryhming slang for mate), Danny Dyer world's finest actor 'ere fillin' in for me ol' mucker Dicky Smalls. This week it's all about me and what I think about everyfing so you know it's gonna be Robin Hood (cockney rhyming slang for good). You'll get to see my Diamond Geezers and Total Ebenezer's (Danny Dyer speak for Dick's Picks and Dick's Pricks), my favourite Dolly Mixture (cockney for picture) of me old kitchen sink (this is cockney for jail I'm not sure Danny actually knows much cockney rhyming slang but he tries bless him) and some proper smart words what came from me marth (Danny Dyer speak for mouth I think).

1. Birds



Oh man I love right fit birds. When I'm having a Tommy Tank (a one handed sexual act) I love to think of a fit bird and her ballroom blitz (breasts) and sometimes even her uncle bob (this means penis I assume Danny was trying to say vagina but got confused). Yeah I love me birds, I like posh totty (women who don't enjoy Danny Dyer films) and I love slags (women that don't like Danny Dyer films but will have sex with him because he's famous).

2. Football


Yeah geezer up the hammers (a football team, the London Hammers I believe). I love footy me if I wasn't such a good actor I'd prolly 'ave played for Engerland like. I'da banged 'undred goals against them Germs in the world cup final.

3. Hilarious Comedy Football DVDs


Only one thing I lav (love) more than footy and that's comedy football DVD's like my legendary release Man with Ball Falls Over. They're a right Stefi Graf (laugh yeah I know it's stupid but it's better than Turkish Bath). If you like comedy football DVDs go out and buy mine now you slags!



1. Shopping


I hate it when me Lemon Curd (woman, yes it's ridiculous people actually talk like this and think it's funny and clever) drags me off round the shops looking at tampons and s**t. I mean it's bad enough she's given me marble slabs (pubic lice, Jesus I spent ten years at university studying this rubbish. I've wasted my life) then she makes me sit outside whilst she spends 'ours looking at knickers.


2. Germans




We won 2 - 0 dint we lads eh? World war one and two suck on those sweaty meat and potato pies fritz! Right lads?

3. Micky Mousers


Gawd I hate them bloody Micky Mousers (you wanna know what it means? Well why don't you waste ten years of your life in university studying bloody cockney yourself? What's the point in me learning it all if I'm just gonna share the knowledge with any Tom, Dick and Harry that asks me) they're a bunch of total ebenezers.



'E can't decide if he's gonna strum on 'is instrument or bash some balls with his racquet, what a diamond geezer!

"My old woman took a picture of my dinner the other day. It was so big, it had to come on a platter instead of a plate – there were 15 or 16 ribs on there. I don’t really eat during the day, so I like a big, naughty dinner in the evening. You don’t want to go anywhere near the khazi after me, mate!" Danny Dyer, actor, cockney geezer, potentially mentally handicapped

See what a legend I am, I talk proper smart don't I like?

A Message From Dick:

Hello dear reader Dick here just taking a break from my holiday. I'm sure many of you were surprise to see we'd invited Danny Dyer to be a guest editor (well Brian Blessed was busy and Phil off Eastenders refuses to return our calls) well the truth is we have been considering doing a Dick's Pricks Danny Dyer special then we realised the best way to demonstrate how high he is up in the echelons of prickery was let him speak for himself. Yes he used words like geezer and slag and yes he thinks that makes him the voice of the people. The only people he is the voice of are the people that write on the worlds in their own feces and think Danny Dyer films are intellectually stimultaing. If you enjoyed this blog or any of the films featuring Mr. Dyer then the only decent thing you can do is get steralized and probably consider suicide for good measure. Anyway next week Derek Acorah's in the hotseat. TTFN.