Damn Honky Chicken Broke My Wiener

Do the KKK run KFC?

Does KFC make black men impotent?

These are the questions we will be answering in this month's Michael Van Dyke Investigates.

Hi I'm Michael Van Dyke and welcome to the first of my investigations. Recently I've been investigating fast food emporium Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have recieved literally three e-mails telling me of a conspiracy theory involving their chicken and men of the dark skinned persuassion. Here's the claim I was tasked with investigating:

"It is sometimes claimed that the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise is owned by the Ku Klux Klan, and the chicken is laced with a drug that makes only black men impotent."

How best to proceed?

Well obviously I needed to get inside the KFC organisation so I applied for a job at my local restaurant. I lied on the application, painting myself as a chicken frying super star and it worked. I got an interview!

However once again I was met with the usual prejudice and the bastards at KFC couldn't see past my bandages. They may have thrwarted my attempts to absorb myself into the company but I would not give up.

I sent a letter to the head office of KFC asking whether they were ruled by the KKK and if they were working towards destroying the black erection. I recieved this reply:

"Dear Mr. Van Dyke,
We are not owned or operated by the KKK you black bastard. If you contact our organisation again we will start burning crucifixes in your yard.
Whitey Hatesnegroes, CEO of KFC"

Case closed? Perhaps. I decided to do a scientific test. I, of course, can not reveal if I'm black or not as that would risk revealing my true identitiy. So I turned to the only black guy I know Maurice Badger.


I decided to lock Grandpa Maurice in a cupboard with a bucket of KFC, a stack on porn and a box of tissues. After an hour I released him and asked him how he felt. This was his response:

"Damn cracker chicken broke my wiener."

After this I gave him a bottle of Viagra and the Jordan sex tape. He was still unable to achieve erection. We did the same test with a Chinese Man, a Mexican and Jimmy Dense. Maurice was the only one unable to perform sexually. So it would appear that it is true, KFC does make black guys impotent.

Legal mumbo jumbo

*The KFC Franchise is owned by an African American which suggests that the letter we recieved was a joke and they don't really believe I'm a black bastard.

*Maurice Badger is 75 years old and hasn't had an erection since 1987.

*The Chinese Guy looked Chinese but could have been Japanese.

*Maurice Badger had to have his stomach pumped after he took too many viagra, kids play safe one pill is enough.