How To Spot A Monkey Spanker

Greetings to all who readeth The World of Dick. I am Reverend Black. I have been recruited by Mr. Richard Smalls to provide a more spiritual side to C.o.M.H. Each week I will provide you dear readers with a sermon that will help enrich your pointless lives. I have scoured the world seeking the most suitable people to be my minions in this task and I believe I have found them. Each week I will be aided by Mr. Daniel Dyer and Mr. Orange Juice Simpson. Together we can help you rediscover your faith.

Sermon #1:
How To Spot A Wanker

Masturbation has spread through the youth of this nation like a disease. Recent research shows than an average of 70% of teenage boys believe spanking the monkey is the most important thing in life. Through this sermon I hope to help you spot which disgusting youth is a masturbator. Most masturbators are between the ages of 12 and 19, all masturbators are male as girls are far too sweet and innocent to even consider such a depraved act and girls do not have a penis so I can't imagine anyway a girl could masturbate, most masturbators possess hairy palms and quite a few are actually blind. Here are a few tips for spotting a salad tosser:

1. Giant Hands

If you meet someone with extra large hands you've got a masturbator. All that masturbating leads to increased hand size.

2. The Miracle of Shame



Notice a strange smell in your potential masturbators bedroom? Tissue that's stiff as a board? Soiled sheets and underwear? If you confront them and they appear shameful then you've got a masturbator.

3. Know Your Sperm




Sperm is the enemy in our war against masturbation. And if we want to win this war then we must know our enemy. Get to know your sperm, it's taste, it's smell, it's texture. All sperm is different so try and get to know other people's sperm to. Once you know your sperm you'll be able to detect any in a 1 mile radius.





"Masturbation really does make you go blind. Stevie Wonder was the World Masturbation Champion in 1967 and look at him now."

One tip for spotting a masturbator that comes from those wacky guys at ChristWire is to sniff the suspects mattress and say it smells like semen. If they run from the room in tears then you know you've got a masturbator.

If you follow these helpful hints then you should be able to root out the monkey spankers and help them give up the devil's sport. For persistent masturbators who carry on with the act even though that each time they produce man milk they make Mike Huggins cry there is only one option. Chop off their right hand.



"Use these helpful images to help you spot a masturbator."



Well hopefully you've found my first sermon helpful. This is the first step on the long road to saving the souls of those who worship at the feet of Mike Huggins.
Until next time

Peace & Love

Reverend Black