Rant Randy, Rant

The following contains strong language that may offend some.

The views of Randolph Badger do not neccessarily represent the views of the CoMH.

Hello my name's Randy Badger and whilst Dick Smalls and the CoMH team are off in America signing big money deals I've been asked to take over the blog. So welcome to the first installment of ...Really Grates My Cheese in which I discuss the things that really great my cheese.

1. Sports Relief

Oh wonderful it's that time of year where we pretend we give a s**t about the less fortunate people of the world. Now I'm all for charity, saving the rain forest, killing whales, all that bo*ll*cks but these TV charity events really grate my cheese. You wanna know why? Well I'll tell ya. I don't want some over paid celebrity telling me I should donate what little money I have to save Africa when they make more in a week than I'll make in my life time. Chris Moyles gets £630k a year last week I earned £4.50, a naked picture of my mate Phil's mum and a pirate copy of Return of the Jedi. Yet I'm the one expected to pay up...Why can't the likes of Moyl es pay up instead? Oh because they donate their time? Oh f**k off I'll happily let the celebrities make donations and stop making those god awful comedy sketches. Apparently just £5 buys a mosquito net that could save lives in Africa. But exactly how much does it cost to send these bloody "celebrities" over to Africa? I mean come on these people already have AIDS do we really need to inflict Russel Brand on them as well? But wait the celebrities are showing us the truth of the situation over there with such revealing commentary as "it must be pretty s**t living in Africa, having no money and dying of AIDS". Of course it's s**t! They've got AIDS it's never going to be fun and not only that they're starving to death and your sending the likes of Chris Moyles to visit them. So how about instead of wasting thousands of pounds on flying celebrities and their film crews over to Africa and use that money to help them, you can afford it, I can't. As for the hilarious comedy skits we have to endure. What the f**k? Seriously who the hell likes that f**king irratating prick James Corden? I'd rather be raped by a million AIDS infected horses than watch another of his sketches. And why are these marathon s**t spewings full of people I hate? Corden, Davina McCall, Fearne Cotton, Patrick Kielty, that fat bloke off the One Show that looks like a potato. If you really want to make money how about do sponsored slaying of these celebrities? I'd happily pay a pound for every bullet put in James Corden's knee caps, I'd be willing to give you a fiver for crucifying Patrick Kielty, a tenner for giving Fearne Cotton a bath in acid, twenty quid for garrotting Davina McCall. And realistically who actually cares about Africa? They've all got AIDS anyway, they're gonna die, let's accept it and move on. Charity starts at home and that's something you can be HIV Positive about.

2. James Corden

He's little more than a f**king scrotum. He's a fat yob that is not funny and if you think he is then you should just go and kill yourself. I will destory you one day Corden you unfunny prick. Don't worry I'm not going to kill you I'm going to make people realise your nothing but a talentless gobshite. I'm praying for a heart attack...

3. James Corden's Parents

Should have been an abortion mate...

4. Mrs. Kipling

Recently I sat watching television whilst I enjoyed one of Mr. Kipling's French Fancies when I saw a new advert for Mr. Kipling featuring Mrs. Kipling. She was jibbering about getting enough oats or tampons, you know chick crap. I wasn't impressed with the advert at all but the end just filled me with a rage I've never felt before. At the end of this travesty Mrs Kipling actually has the nerve to suggest Mr. Kipling is crap in bed. The man responsible for Mini Battenburgs can be nothing less than a stalion in bed and I refuse to hear anything to suggest he isn't if you don't want him and I a million of others will happily let him fill us with his cakey goodness.

5. Chocolate Werther's Originals

3 words. What. The. F**k?

Now it's time to find out what's in a retard's s**t.


This week in Jimmy's poo there was...nothing. We think he's eaten a cloak of invisibility either that or he's constipated again.



Oh look it's Cliff Richard again! Seriously who the hell wants to look at pictures of Cliff Richard now I'm in charge there's gonna be some big changes. No more Cliff.


Vaseline sales are up so you know Zanzibar's in town with the latest Jordan rumours.

1. Jordan, after making love, bites the head off her partner

2. Jordan sleeps inside out, and once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine

3. Jordan can believe it's not butter because she uses it as a lubricant and it's not as good as real butter


"James Corden is a prick," Randy Badger, f**king legend