Hello and welcome to the first edition of my agony aunt column. Each time I'll try and solve the problems that you dear readers send to me.
Dear Randy,
Im 14 years old. And im pregnant. Allow me to explain what happened.
It was mine and my boyfriend 6 month anniversary. He had decided to take
me out for dinner and a movie then a stroll through the park. I had told my mum i was seeing him but i had said that i was sleeping round at a friends house
when i was really staying at his …
I had a wonderful time and whilst strolling around the park wearing his jacket,
snuggled up in his arms, looking up at the beautiful starry night – i realised i
loved him. He beat me to saying it – he took my hands and told me he had never
felt this way about anyone ever before etc. then he said “i love you”. I was so
happy. I immediatley told him i loved him too and we kissed under the stars. We
stumbled, kissing madly as we went, back to his (his parents were out). We fell
on to his bed. We tore our clothes off each other leaving bras and underwear
lying all over his floor. We kissed and touched and then he stopped.
We got a condom from his sisters drawer and before you knew it … bye bye
virginity!
Three months later and i have missed three periods. He was there when i took a
pregnancy test and knows we’re having a baby but hes not worried. im terrified.
I think i want to have it but i dont know what to do. I dont know how to tell my
mum. Abortion is out of the question, adoption is also a no no! I think i want
to have it but i just dont know how to tell my mum.
Randy's reply:
Well this is a common problem these days and as I see it there is only one real solution. Build a fucking time machine and go back in time and steralize your parents. Or in your case maybe your grandparents because your mum is quite clearly a retard for not realising you were going to be staying with your boyfriend. Any parents that read this: assume your kids are having sex and do whatever you can to stop them. My dad tried to cut off my penis and I was incredibly greatful and fully intend to do the same with my kids when my wife finally leaves me on my own with them. Anyway I digress back to your problem. You are 14 and an idiot you can't have a baby, you don't have a job and your thick, your child will be thick and the cycle will continue if you don't put a stop to it. Consider the abortion or perhaps suicide, or to make sure the problem is completely sorted, murder suicide with your boyfriend. Hope this helps.
Dear Randy,
the other day i snogged this boy loads of times, but he has a girlfriend, i
really like this boy and i thought he liked me cos of what happened but i’m not
to sure anymore.
he told his mate that i’m a really good kisser though, but i don’t know what to do?
Easy girl, aged 15, ManchesterRandy's reply:
Stop being a slag perhaps? Hope this helps.
Dear Randy,
Our school is organising a prom for our year, and there is a girl who I would
particularly like to take as adate. She recently broke up with her old
boyfriend, but there seems to be someone else who has his eye on her 0 should I
rush in to ask her before he does, or should I wait and see how it plays out,
because the Prom is not for a while.
I don’t want to be turned down, because that would shatter my confidence, but I don’t want to leave it too late and miss an opportunity and have her thinking i’m not interested. Some advice would be great
Randy's reply:
How about getting a passport and fucking off to America? A prom? What the hell is it with this gayness? They're called fucking discos over here and they're shit. Get yourself an Xbox and Call of Duty it'll be slightly less shit.
Dear Randy,
I’m 18, and I have a huge crush on this guy 3 years older to me.
I presume its perfectly normal for a teenager like me to have crushes, but here’s the weird thing-I don’t even know why!! Seriously, I mean, the guy doesn’t share any of my interests, doesn’t bother to even listen to my ideas, let alone respect them, isn’t aware of my very existence, and oh yeah, he has a girlfriend.
My friends have tried everything to help me, but I’m really hung up on him.I think about him every minute and fantasise that we end up together. I’m truly disgusted with myself, and my performance in class is affected because of this. I don’t know what to do. Please help me get over him!!!!!!!
Pathetic and desperate, aged 18, Leeds
Randy's reply:
Get a vibrator and quit your whining. Hope this helps.
Dear Randy,
im 15 and im 19 weeks pregnant.
My parents know but they are extremley mad at me and they said once the baby is born they are going to kick me out. my boyfriend got ran over a few years ago so the baby has no father. i am so scared and i don’t know what to do when the baby is born.
i really want the baby. what should i do?
Mentally unstable, aged 15, Liverpool
Randy's reply:
Well I guess the obvious problem here is your 19 weeks pregnant and the baby's father has been dead years. That doesn't work but if you are pregnant read my reply to an earlier letter with a similar problem.
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