Greetings and salutations dear readers and welcome to the latest Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. Your usual favourites and some new goodies are here for your reading pleasure, Dick's Picks & Pricks, What's in my Poo with Jimmy Dense, Thought of the Day and Hard News with Chet Ajabagger
1. Christmas
Holidays are coming! Yes we can finally start selling our official CoMH christmas decorations so if you want to put Mike on top of your tree this christmas get yourself down to the shop!2. Cockermouth
Cock...mouth...in the name of one place. Yes it's a dream come true for any immature person, Jimmy hasn't stopped laughing since it was first mentioned.
3. Michael Sheen
Damn fine actor, damn fine.
4. World AIDS Week
AIDS affects us all and this week we celebrate that fact.
1. Jordan/Katie Price
Yes she's still here! 4 weeks in a row, smashing all records with her large abnormal "breasts". How could she possibly do anything pricky enough to hold on to the top spot in Dick's Pricks for a fourth week? Well after leaving I'm A Celebrity she dumped her cross dressing cage fighter boyfriend, who had flown over to propose to her, on live TV and has spent the rest of the week on the cover of every mongo magazine and newspaper. If that isn't enough to make you think she's a prick then you're just mental. Thank god for Peter Andre I say. This week Jordan was played by a pair of Air Jordan trainers.
2. Cheryl Cole
Is there anything more patronising than a talentless talent show winner telling people they're not good enough to win a talent show? ...Prick.
3. Donny Osmond
There he is. Holding my trophy. DAMN YOU DONNY OSMOND!
4. Ant & Dec advertising Nintendo
Is there anything worse than these two trying to convince you that thick taxi drivers are good at brain training? Normally we like Ant and Dec here at CoMH Towers but these Nintendo adverts add at least 50 points to their prick level.
This week: A survivor of the Cockermouth floods. Cockermouth! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!
Barry Scott: Behind The Lies
We all remember where we were when we first saw him. Booming out of our TV speakers announcing with such authority that he is Barry Scott. These adverts had such an impact that Barry Scott was inducted into the CoMH Hall of Fame less than 2 weeks ago. But what I am about to tell you will shake your world to the core.
There is no Barry Scott.
He doesn't exist.
He never has.
He was made up by Cilit Bang to advertise their products.
Yes the truth is it's all been one big lie. Our "Barry Scott" is actually an actor called Neil Burgess. I caught up with Neil recently and after a severe beating he had this to say:
"I'm not Barry Scott. I am scum. I have let down CoMH, the people of Britain and Ireland, brian McFadden and most importantly myself. I led people to believe I was important, I made them feel guilty for not knowing who I am. I am the human equivalent of Jordan and I am truly sorry."
Now that this shocking truth has been exposed I intend to have "Barry" thrown out of the CoMH Hall of Fame. But the big issue here is what is true?
Is Tony really a tiger?
Do Ant and Dec really enjoy playing Cooking Mama?
Does Michael Winner really want us to calm down?
Take care my friends everything is a lie!
Chet.
"Cillit Bang is really good though. If you haven't tried it yet, I can thoroughly recommend it. It cleans the bath like no-ones business. Much better than other cleaners I have tried," Woody_Brixton, forum user and Cilit Bang fan.
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