How To Spot A Gay

Greetings to all that readeth The World of Dick. Reverend Black here once more. This time around I will guide you in the war against the GayBo alliance (the allegiance between the gays and the lesbos). We all know of course that the GayBos were put on this earth by the Devil to corrupt the pure and the innocent. With the help of my able assistants Daniel Dyer and Orange Juice Simpson I now present you a guide on how to spot one of these bum banditos.

1. An unhealthy interest in musicals


Does the gentleman in question own anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber? Does he know that Les Miserables is a musical and not a nickname for the French world cup squad? Does he find John Barrowman entertaining rather than irratating? Then you've got a gay.

2. Too much Vaseline on the shelf?


How much is too much? Any amount of Vaseline is too much for a norm. Check the share prices of the Vaseline company, have they gone up constantly in the time your male friend has been sexually active. If they have then well sir you have a gay.

3. Leather clothing


Only gays wear leather that is an elemental law of the universe. So if your buddy has taken to wearing leather shorts, you've got a gay. If he's matching his leather shorts with any sort of sleveless top then you've got a super gay and better get yourself tested for AIDS straight away because as we all know, just coming into contact with a super gay is enough to catch the disease.

4. Regular HIV tests


AIDS or the gay disease to give it it's scientific name is only caught by gayness. If your male friend is heard saying "gee whizz I'm nervous about my latest AIDS test," then you've got yourself a gay. Load up the shotgun and put him out of his misery.

5. Worshipping at the feet of the King Gay


The gays have a king, a man so gay that both his first and last names sound suspiciously similar to slang terms for penis (cock and wang do you see?). If you ever hear your male friend so "I sure wish that Gok Wan would do me!" then my friend you've got a gay.


"Never turn your back on a gay. The average gay thinks about raping a norm every 7 seconds."


"Being gay makes god cry. Look at all those celebrity gays, Elton John, Matt Lucas, The Village People, Right Said Fred, they've all made god cry that's why we have floods. Sodomy causes tsunamis."

There are of course several other ways of spotting gays and I'm sure your familiar with them all. Together we can get rid of all these heathens and fill the world with the church loving people like Catholics and Muslims who never do anything wrong.

Peace & Love

Reverend Black



To Catch A Pervert with Chet Ajabagger & Mike Van Dyke
Randy's Soap Box with Randy Badger
Going Down To Poo Town with Jimmy Dense
How To Spot An Ethnic Minority with Reverend Black

Welcome Back To The World of Dick

Hello and welcome to the first proper entry under the new regime here at C.o.M.H. with me Randy Badger. What can you expect from the new blog? Well we've got your old favourites and some new goodies. He may be writing his memoirs but Dick will still be bringing you his picks and pricks, Jimmy returns with more poo based hijinx and we've got the good old fashioned Thought of the Day. The Rev will be returning with more of his helpful guides to live a pure life and Dear Randy returns. Also I'll be bringing you Randy's Soap Box where I rant about the things I hate, Chet and M.V.D. will be exposing the internet's perverts in To Catch A Pervert with the C.o.M.H. team's latest addition Tiffanee Smythe and of course we will be presenting exerts from Dick's memoirs. Hopefully you'll enjoy the new World of Dick as much as you enjoyed the original. This week we have a fresh dose of Dick's Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo of the Week, History's Biggest Retards, someone else we'd like to return as a zombie, more Grinty goodness and of course Thought of the Day.




1. Edward Grimes



Not sure which one he is, but one of the Jedwards made an inappropriate joke at the expense of C.o.M.H. favourite Cheryl Cole which was hilarious, we of course hope she recovers from malaria so Zanzibar can return to slagging her off.


2. Phil off Eastenders


C.o.M.H. man of the decade Phil off Eastenders continues to astound me with his brilliance, not only is he the finest actor of his generation in this week's Eastenders he proved he can sing like an angel.




1. The England Soccerball Team


Yeah we've been out of action here at C.o.M.H. for a while and we've missed most of the International SoccerBall Championships but we haven't forgotten what pricks England were.


2. The Hose Pipe Ban



OK I've been locked in my office constantly writing my memoirs so I haven't found much to be angry about, so I'm scrapping the barrel with this one. Damn that pesky hose pipe ban!



Welcome to my new poo based series. Each week I'll provide what I consider to be my poo of the week.

#1 The Poo Splatter Bomb

Well this is probably the last time we'll do this feature so we have something special for this week, this picture embodies everything we love about Grinty. Enjoy!

#2 L. Ron Hubbard

Yes the sci fi writer and founder of Scientology easily makes it on to our list of biggest retards. He writes books about aliens and then founds a religion based on these ideas, fucking retard. Although there is no way of proving that the child molesting idiot actually believed this crap but those that do are just as retarded as he is.






I was thinking the other day what would be better than a zombie puppet show? So this week I'm wishing that Rod Hull would return as a zombie.



"I'm like Cheryl's twin because I hurt myself. She hurt herself. Two great people hurting themselves. It's going to be a big funeral... Just messing!" Edward Grimes, creepy Irish stereotype, singer

Until next time...
Peace & Love
Randolph Badger


Coming Soon

To Catch A Pervert with Chet Ajabagger & Mike Van Dyke

How To Spot A Homo with Reverend Black

The C*ntdown Begins

Welcome dear readers to the dawning of a new era. Yes I am now the boss of The World of Dick and to celebrate I present to you The Official C.o.M.H. Cuntdown it's basically an even better version of Randy's Retards and Dick's Pricks. Each month I'll select the top ten cunts in the world right now, who will be number 1? Let's find out!




They seriously could just rename this Cunt TV. BBC fucking 3 is just shit. Every shitty mongoloid TV show in the world appears on this crapfest. Coming of Age, 2 Pints of Larger, Lee Nelson's Well Goodshow, Russell Howard's Good News, Family Guy. The list is endless. If you are a thick fucking retard then BBC3 is for you but for the rest of us that don't sign our names in wax crayon this is cuntworthy bollocks.



You are not Phil's son you camp freak! Stop trying to damage the reputation of C.o.M.H.'s man of the decade you boggle eyed cunt.



We're legally prevented from venting our true feelings about Cameron. Hopefully his appearance on this list goes someway to expressing them.


Smurfs are fucking dicks seriously. Stupid blue cunts who talk shit and act like fucking retards. I'd like to shove my smurfing foot right up your smurfer you smurfing smurf.




Britain's Got Talent apparently and this talent is spotted by botox faced cunt Amanda Holden... What the fuck? Seriously this creepy faced bitch has no talent.




For some reason the still born potato is the anchor for ITV's coverage of this years Soccerball Championships. He is of course an expert because he played for... oh no wait he's just a spud faced cunt that knows nothing about anything.




This fucking loud mouthed cock stain is listened to by millions of brain dead mongoloids. After suffering the misfortune of hearing his "hilarious" alternative commentary on a recent soccerball game with his cunty side kick Comedy Dave who is too much of a none entity to even appear on the cuntdown. Moyles you are a painfully unfunny cunt, your jokes appear and if this list proves anything it's that being fat and loud does not make you entertaining so fuck off back to Twatsville you fucking sweaty mongoloid.


The reason god created condoms. Fat, unfunny, yobbish prick. He betrayed his fellow fat people by appearing in a series of adverts that showed a fat man being bullied by filthy fucking gingers. This cunt now has a show about soccerball, as if Adrian Chiles wasn't bad enough we now have someone who would only be allowed to play in goal if he was even chosen to play. Fuck off Corden Gavin and Stacey was shit, you are shit and we all hate you. And let me give you this warning if you ever give Star Trek's very own Captain Picard any shit ever again we will all come and kick your cunty arse. Prick.




For a long time Radcliffe was C.o.M.H.'s all time biggest prick. He's still a shit actor and we're sure he'll be able to reclaim the top spot with the release of the final Harry Potter films.



Who else could could top the very first cuntdown? Yes Jordan (this week played by the Phantom of the Opera) continues to revolt the human race with her very existence.

The C.o.M.H. Boys Return

Greetings my fellow Huggynites and welcome back to The World of Dick. Yes we have been a way for a short while but now the whole gang is back. What have we been doing during our break? Well I've been working on my memoirs which will be serialised on this very site, Randy's formed a band, Dave Has AIDS Not HIV, keep an eye out for them they'll be on tour next year, Reverend Black has been on an unsuccessful tour of America where he was described as being "too liberal" and Jimmy's been playing in his own poo again.

Recently there have been many rumours going round that The Church of Mike Huggins was about to come to an end. But worry not loyal readers the C.o.M.H. will never die. There are going to be some changes though. I will be stepping down from writing the blog for the immediate future so I can concentrate on writing my memoirs. In my absence I will be handing over control of The World of Dick to Randy meaning Randy's World of Hate is now the C.o.M.H.'s flagship blog. A Dose of Dick will return one day so do not despair friends. Reverend Black will also continue to spread the word of Mike and Jimmy will be launching his own blog Going Down To Poo Town. Also Mike Van Dyke will bring us his long awaited investigation into the Paul McCartney case. Don't forget you can get your C.o.M.H. fix all over the internet. Click on the links for more C.o.M.H. goodness.
Twitter
Facebook
The Official C.o.M.H. Shop
The Official C.o.M.H. Myspace Page

Until we meet again,
Peace & Love
Dick Smalls

How To Spot A Monkey Spanker

Greetings to all who readeth The World of Dick. I am Reverend Black. I have been recruited by Mr. Richard Smalls to provide a more spiritual side to C.o.M.H. Each week I will provide you dear readers with a sermon that will help enrich your pointless lives. I have scoured the world seeking the most suitable people to be my minions in this task and I believe I have found them. Each week I will be aided by Mr. Daniel Dyer and Mr. Orange Juice Simpson. Together we can help you rediscover your faith.

Sermon #1:
How To Spot A Wanker

Masturbation has spread through the youth of this nation like a disease. Recent research shows than an average of 70% of teenage boys believe spanking the monkey is the most important thing in life. Through this sermon I hope to help you spot which disgusting youth is a masturbator. Most masturbators are between the ages of 12 and 19, all masturbators are male as girls are far too sweet and innocent to even consider such a depraved act and girls do not have a penis so I can't imagine anyway a girl could masturbate, most masturbators possess hairy palms and quite a few are actually blind. Here are a few tips for spotting a salad tosser:

1. Giant Hands

If you meet someone with extra large hands you've got a masturbator. All that masturbating leads to increased hand size.

2. The Miracle of Shame



Notice a strange smell in your potential masturbators bedroom? Tissue that's stiff as a board? Soiled sheets and underwear? If you confront them and they appear shameful then you've got a masturbator.

3. Know Your Sperm




Sperm is the enemy in our war against masturbation. And if we want to win this war then we must know our enemy. Get to know your sperm, it's taste, it's smell, it's texture. All sperm is different so try and get to know other people's sperm to. Once you know your sperm you'll be able to detect any in a 1 mile radius.





"Masturbation really does make you go blind. Stevie Wonder was the World Masturbation Champion in 1967 and look at him now."

One tip for spotting a masturbator that comes from those wacky guys at ChristWire is to sniff the suspects mattress and say it smells like semen. If they run from the room in tears then you know you've got a masturbator.

If you follow these helpful hints then you should be able to root out the monkey spankers and help them give up the devil's sport. For persistent masturbators who carry on with the act even though that each time they produce man milk they make Mike Huggins cry there is only one option. Chop off their right hand.



"Use these helpful images to help you spot a masturbator."



Well hopefully you've found my first sermon helpful. This is the first step on the long road to saving the souls of those who worship at the feet of Mike Huggins.
Until next time

Peace & Love

Reverend Black

Damn Honky Chicken Broke My Wiener

Do the KKK run KFC?

Does KFC make black men impotent?

These are the questions we will be answering in this month's Michael Van Dyke Investigates.

Hi I'm Michael Van Dyke and welcome to the first of my investigations. Recently I've been investigating fast food emporium Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have recieved literally three e-mails telling me of a conspiracy theory involving their chicken and men of the dark skinned persuassion. Here's the claim I was tasked with investigating:

"It is sometimes claimed that the Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise is owned by the Ku Klux Klan, and the chicken is laced with a drug that makes only black men impotent."

How best to proceed?

Well obviously I needed to get inside the KFC organisation so I applied for a job at my local restaurant. I lied on the application, painting myself as a chicken frying super star and it worked. I got an interview!

However once again I was met with the usual prejudice and the bastards at KFC couldn't see past my bandages. They may have thrwarted my attempts to absorb myself into the company but I would not give up.

I sent a letter to the head office of KFC asking whether they were ruled by the KKK and if they were working towards destroying the black erection. I recieved this reply:

"Dear Mr. Van Dyke,
We are not owned or operated by the KKK you black bastard. If you contact our organisation again we will start burning crucifixes in your yard.
Whitey Hatesnegroes, CEO of KFC"

Case closed? Perhaps. I decided to do a scientific test. I, of course, can not reveal if I'm black or not as that would risk revealing my true identitiy. So I turned to the only black guy I know Maurice Badger.


I decided to lock Grandpa Maurice in a cupboard with a bucket of KFC, a stack on porn and a box of tissues. After an hour I released him and asked him how he felt. This was his response:

"Damn cracker chicken broke my wiener."

After this I gave him a bottle of Viagra and the Jordan sex tape. He was still unable to achieve erection. We did the same test with a Chinese Man, a Mexican and Jimmy Dense. Maurice was the only one unable to perform sexually. So it would appear that it is true, KFC does make black guys impotent.

Legal mumbo jumbo

*The KFC Franchise is owned by an African American which suggests that the letter we recieved was a joke and they don't really believe I'm a black bastard.

*Maurice Badger is 75 years old and hasn't had an erection since 1987.

*The Chinese Guy looked Chinese but could have been Japanese.

*Maurice Badger had to have his stomach pumped after he took too many viagra, kids play safe one pill is enough.

We Don't Really Understand Politics But We're Angry Anyway

Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the first Dose of Dick at our new home. I hope you're enjoying life here at The World of Dick where you can find A Dose of Dick, Randy's World of Hate, Going Down To Poo Town and Don't Believe The Truth with Michael Van Dyke. Well this week's Dose of Dick has a very political feel to it and I think it compliments Randy's most recent post nicely. This week we've got Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, The Big Question, Do You Remember?, Thought of The Day and Grinty A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words. As you know summer is fast approaching and once again I will be taking a break from the blog to go and spread the word of Mike to the rest of the world. Whilst I'm away A Dose of Dick will be in the hands of our new friend Reverand Black of The Church of Hell & Pain & All That Evil Stuff, I hope you'll show him the same love and respect you show me.

1. Gordon Brown


Yeah he's gone and we're gonna miss him. Ok he was creepier than that old guy who used to feel me up in the children's home but at least he wasn't David Cameron.

2. Scotland



The Scots made it very clear that they don't want Cameron and we love them for that. It's likely we will be relocating to Scotland in the not too distant future.

3. James Leopold Dense



It's Jimmy's birthday on Monday so make sure you send him your birthday wishes on Facebook.

1. Fearne Cotton

I'm sure you were expecting David Cameron but he's already got a roasting off Randy this week. So we've decided to go for Radio 1 mongoloid Fearne Cotton. Why? Well there's that god awful advert for Radio 1's Big Weekend where she mongs out over something called Pendulum and secondly we caught the end of her interview with Paris Hilton the other night. She described Hilton as somone who works incredibly hard...What the fudge?!? Total prick behaviour.

2. (p)Rick Edwards & Anyone else involved in Yoof TV

I hate pRick Edwards, he is a prick as is everyone else that hosts T4 or anything on BBC3. I hate you all so damn much. And young people that think this prick is funny and clever put yourself on this list of prickery.

3. Danny Dyer

This is the first time that a member of the C.o.M.H. team has been a prick but Danny really deserves it. He should be here every week because he's the biggest prick at C.o.M.H. but this week we're not impressed with his agony uncle column where he advised a man to cut his ex girlfriend's face so that no one else would want her. I think Mr. Dyer should check out Dear Randy to find out how to give good advice.

4. Ginger kid off Bootiful Chicken Advert

What the hell is going on? If you want to sell something especially food you don't get a disgusting ginger to sing at it. Well as it's Jimmy's birthday we've agreed to post the picture of the ginger kid as a testicle eating pirate he drew on Paint. Enjoy!

Do you remember when we weren't completely f**ked? Yeah they were the good old days.

What a hunk.

This week: Our beautiful country which has now fallen under the control of that demon Cameron.

This week David Cameron vs. Adolf Hitler. Who is the worst?




Hitler was bad but at least he was pretty honest about it and we're not Jewish so he wouldn't have been to bad to us. Cameron wants to screw us and he will.




Cameron is the biggest monster in the world right now. And in this case he may be the winner but we are all losers.


"I do not enjoy the act of pooing I just enjoy the end result," James Leopold Dense, blogger, retard