The Dickies 2010

Hello and welcome to the second annual Dickies, the awards handed out by the C.o.M.H. team to those we deem worthy. Enjoy this last taste of the old ADOD before we begin a full relaunch. On with the awards!

"Celebrity" Pick of the Year

Jedward



Those wacky Jedward boys have moved up from 3rd place last year to winners of the title of celebrity pick of the year. After a fantastic year with a brilliant album, a legendary performance at T4 on the Beach and a joke about Cheryl Cole dying of malaria these boys deserve this award.
Honourable mentions; Peter Andre, Grinty


"Celebrity" Prick of the Year

Danny Dyer


It's been a mixed year for Danny. More classic films such as Pimp and another classic comedy football DVD and joining the C.o.M.H. team have been overshadowed by his irresponsible and stupid comments in Zoo magazine where he recommended a man slash his ex girlfriend's face so she couldn't find anyone else. What a total prick.

Honourable mentions; Gillian McKieth, Donny Osmond, Lady GaGa, Jordan

Acting Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders



2010 was the year of Phil off Eastenders. Once again acting everyone off the screen Phil off Eastenders had some of the most harrowing story lines in the history of the show including having sex with the world's roughest looking woman, having a flaming homo as a son and being a crack head. Phil off Eastenders brought warmth and great skill to these storylines and no one has come to close to matching him for amazing acting abilities.

Honourable mentions; Grinty, Go Compare Guy, Talking meerkat thing

Acting Prick of the Year

Daniel Radcliffe



Another year, another Harry Potter film. 2010 featured Radcliffe playing seven versions of himself and they were all shit.

Honourable mentions; the cast of the Twilight movies, the cast of Harry Potter, Ben off Eastenders

Celebrity Sex Offender of the Year

Josef Frtitzl


This year Josef is the only real contender and that's because even though he ran a creepy incest sex dungeon Fritzy has been planning on rebuilding the surrounding area. For having the balls to do that we just have to salute you Mr. Fritzl sir.

TV Presenter Pick of the Year

Hacker T. Dog



Yes. We're being serious. No human presenters are good enough this award. Check out Hacker on the CBBC channel he is freaking hilarious.

Honourable mentions; Oucho the cactus, Mongo the magic puppet

TV Presenter Prick of the Year

Konnie Huq



Yeah alright Huq you're on the grown up tele now and you're married to Charlie Brooker but seriously fuck off with your shitty Xtra Factor crap.

Honourable mentions; Chris Evans, Bruce Forsyth, Ant & Dec

Talent Show Judge Pick of the Year



This award has been left vacant as they're a cunty bunch

Talent Show Judge Prick of the Year

Cheryl Cole



Not happy with being in a shit band she had to have a shit solo career. Not happy with a shit solo career she had to create a mini me. Cheryl Cole will you please fuck off and take Bill-I-Am-A-Total-Fucking-Cun with you yeah pet?

Honourable mentions; Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Piers Morgan, Michael MacIntyre (hasn't started yet but he's still a moon faced cunt), Dannii Minogue

Talent Show Wannabe Pick of the Year

Wagner


Wagner was flying the freak flag high this year, he was shit, looked a bit like Josef Fritzl and didn't make much sense but he slagged off Cheryl Cole and he was pretty funny.

Honourable mentions; Random Black Boy from the Harry Potter Movies


Talent Show Wannabe Prick of the Year

Cher "Mongo" Lloyd


Yes it's the stroke suffering faced, gypsy Cheryl Cole clone that sounds like a fucking mong having a fit when she's singing. It's unlikely we've heard the last of this cunt so expect to see her back here next year.

Honourable mentions; Katie Weasel, Gamu, Matt Cardle, any shit street dance act that appears on Britain's Got Talent

The Official Dick's Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders


Who is more deserving than this man? He's C.o.M.H.'s man of the decade and looks set to hold that award again in 2019. Mr. Mitchell sir we salute you.

Honourable mentions; Jedward, Andre the Giant, Peter Andre


The Official Dick's Prick of the Year

Kerry Katona


It's been a year for clones of shit celebrities and ITV has been responsible for them all. It's bad enough they forced Jordan down our throats for the last 5 years they've now found her replacement in the equally useless Kerry Katona another whiney waster we hope will fuck off in 2011.

Honourable mentions; Jordan, Alex Reid, Cheryl Cole, Jason Donovan, Jeremy Kyle




Those we've lost this year;

-Gary Coleman
-Leslie Nielsen
-Paul the Octopus
-Norman Wisdom
-Bernard Matthews
-Malcolm Allison
-Claire Rayner
-Gillian McKeith's dignity
-Ronnie/Roxy Mitchell's (Phil off Eastenders sister/cousin) baby
-Those three who died in that tram crash on that documentary 'Coronation Street'
-Alex Higgins
-Chris Kanyon
-Jean Simmons
-Any 'Z-List' celebrity's career
-The Bill
-Big Brother

Well I hope you've enjoyed the Dickies and I hope you've enjoyed A Dose of Dick throughout 2010. For a while it looked the end of C.o.M.H. but we're back and better than ever. In 2011 we will be relaunching the blog, all the old entries will be shifted over to our archive blog the World of Dick and we will be having a fresh start. Your old favourites such as Dick's Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, Dear Randy and the Big Question will be joined by new features such as What's Pissing off Garth Crooks This Week? We'll also be answering those big questions; who is Jimmy's father? Will a Jeremy Kyle spoof work when written down? Is Merton still alive? Will Dick remarry? Can Chet and Chasey Lain get past their problems and be happy again? Will we ever see the likes of Timmy Dense, Taco Sanchez, Buzzy Gastro, Lundy Cupp, Maurice Badger and the Rev again? Will we see more of Randy's world of hate? Will M.V.D. wake from the coma that's kept him from updating his blog? And finally we will answer the ultimate question...

Tom Cruise....

True or fale?

How To Spot A Monkey Spanker

Greetings to all who readeth The World of Dick. I am Reverend Black. I have been recruited by Mr. Richard Smalls to provide a more spiritual side to C.o.M.H. Each week I will provide you dear readers with a sermon that will help enrich your pointless lives. I have scoured the world seeking the most suitable people to be my minions in this task and I believe I have found them. Each week I will be aided by Mr. Daniel Dyer and Mr. Orange Juice Simpson. Together we can help you rediscover your faith.

Sermon #1:
How To Spot A Wanker

Masturbation has spread through the youth of this nation like a disease. Recent research shows than an average of 70% of teenage boys believe spanking the monkey is the most important thing in life. Through this sermon I hope to help you spot which disgusting youth is a masturbator. Most masturbators are between the ages of 12 and 19, all masturbators are male as girls are far too sweet and innocent to even consider such a depraved act and girls do not have a penis so I can't imagine anyway a girl could masturbate, most masturbators possess hairy palms and quite a few are actually blind. Here are a few tips for spotting a salad tosser:

1. Giant Hands

If you meet someone with extra large hands you've got a masturbator. All that masturbating leads to increased hand size.

2. The Miracle of Shame



Notice a strange smell in your potential masturbators bedroom? Tissue that's stiff as a board? Soiled sheets and underwear? If you confront them and they appear shameful then you've got a masturbator.

3. Know Your Sperm




Sperm is the enemy in our war against masturbation. And if we want to win this war then we must know our enemy. Get to know your sperm, it's taste, it's smell, it's texture. All sperm is different so try and get to know other people's sperm to. Once you know your sperm you'll be able to detect any in a 1 mile radius.





"Masturbation really does make you go blind. Stevie Wonder was the World Masturbation Champion in 1967 and look at him now."

One tip for spotting a masturbator that comes from those wacky guys at ChristWire is to sniff the suspects mattress and say it smells like semen. If they run from the room in tears then you know you've got a masturbator.

If you follow these helpful hints then you should be able to root out the monkey spankers and help them give up the devil's sport. For persistent masturbators who carry on with the act even though that each time they produce man milk they make Mike Huggins cry there is only one option. Chop off their right hand.



"Use these helpful images to help you spot a masturbator."



Well hopefully you've found my first sermon helpful. This is the first step on the long road to saving the souls of those who worship at the feet of Mike Huggins.
Until next time

Peace & Love

Reverend Black

Cockney Rhyming Slang Translations by
Professor Steve "Apple & Pears" Mitchell, head of Cockney at the University of Cockton

WANNABE COCKNEY ALERT!
The following blog was written by a man that believes Bert from Mary Poppins was a realistic representation of the people of London. This man believes cockney rhyming slang is acceptable and insists on using words like geezer and bird. Continued exposure to his writings can lead to a loss of intelligence. You have been warned.

Alright my old Chinas (cockney ryhming slang for mate), Danny Dyer world's finest actor 'ere fillin' in for me ol' mucker Dicky Smalls. This week it's all about me and what I think about everyfing so you know it's gonna be Robin Hood (cockney rhyming slang for good). You'll get to see my Diamond Geezers and Total Ebenezer's (Danny Dyer speak for Dick's Picks and Dick's Pricks), my favourite Dolly Mixture (cockney for picture) of me old kitchen sink (this is cockney for jail I'm not sure Danny actually knows much cockney rhyming slang but he tries bless him) and some proper smart words what came from me marth (Danny Dyer speak for mouth I think).

1. Birds



Oh man I love right fit birds. When I'm having a Tommy Tank (a one handed sexual act) I love to think of a fit bird and her ballroom blitz (breasts) and sometimes even her uncle bob (this means penis I assume Danny was trying to say vagina but got confused). Yeah I love me birds, I like posh totty (women who don't enjoy Danny Dyer films) and I love slags (women that don't like Danny Dyer films but will have sex with him because he's famous).

2. Football


Yeah geezer up the hammers (a football team, the London Hammers I believe). I love footy me if I wasn't such a good actor I'd prolly 'ave played for Engerland like. I'da banged 'undred goals against them Germs in the world cup final.

3. Hilarious Comedy Football DVDs


Only one thing I lav (love) more than footy and that's comedy football DVD's like my legendary release Man with Ball Falls Over. They're a right Stefi Graf (laugh yeah I know it's stupid but it's better than Turkish Bath). If you like comedy football DVDs go out and buy mine now you slags!



1. Shopping


I hate it when me Lemon Curd (woman, yes it's ridiculous people actually talk like this and think it's funny and clever) drags me off round the shops looking at tampons and s**t. I mean it's bad enough she's given me marble slabs (pubic lice, Jesus I spent ten years at university studying this rubbish. I've wasted my life) then she makes me sit outside whilst she spends 'ours looking at knickers.


2. Germans




We won 2 - 0 dint we lads eh? World war one and two suck on those sweaty meat and potato pies fritz! Right lads?

3. Micky Mousers


Gawd I hate them bloody Micky Mousers (you wanna know what it means? Well why don't you waste ten years of your life in university studying bloody cockney yourself? What's the point in me learning it all if I'm just gonna share the knowledge with any Tom, Dick and Harry that asks me) they're a bunch of total ebenezers.



'E can't decide if he's gonna strum on 'is instrument or bash some balls with his racquet, what a diamond geezer!

"My old woman took a picture of my dinner the other day. It was so big, it had to come on a platter instead of a plate – there were 15 or 16 ribs on there. I don’t really eat during the day, so I like a big, naughty dinner in the evening. You don’t want to go anywhere near the khazi after me, mate!" Danny Dyer, actor, cockney geezer, potentially mentally handicapped

See what a legend I am, I talk proper smart don't I like?

A Message From Dick:

Hello dear reader Dick here just taking a break from my holiday. I'm sure many of you were surprise to see we'd invited Danny Dyer to be a guest editor (well Brian Blessed was busy and Phil off Eastenders refuses to return our calls) well the truth is we have been considering doing a Dick's Pricks Danny Dyer special then we realised the best way to demonstrate how high he is up in the echelons of prickery was let him speak for himself. Yes he used words like geezer and slag and yes he thinks that makes him the voice of the people. The only people he is the voice of are the people that write on the worlds in their own feces and think Danny Dyer films are intellectually stimultaing. If you enjoyed this blog or any of the films featuring Mr. Dyer then the only decent thing you can do is get steralized and probably consider suicide for good measure. Anyway next week Derek Acorah's in the hotseat. TTFN.