Phil Didn't Do It!

Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the most extraordinary Dose of Dick ever! Yes I have some amazing news for you all and I have to tell you about the exciting changes that we will be making here at CoMH Towers. I'm sure you all remember a year ago when I announced the sad passing of CoMH Head and co-founder Merton Breastloveski who we believed had died from anal trauma involving well hung horse. Merton was buried in a closed casket private ceremony in March 2009. At the time we noticed that Merton's custom made coffin was very heavy and very cold almost like it contained a air conditioner... Well it turns out that Merton did not die that day but in fact faked his death so he could go undercover to help the police crack a bestiality ring in London, for the last 12 months he's been living under the name Gerald Hatescockski and feared he could never return to us here at CoMH. But last week the case was cracked and 74 arrests were made and Merton was able to return to us here at CoMH. What does this mean for everyone at CoMH? Well Merton will return to his position as head of the church and I will be returning to my former position as the head of public relations which means I will be able to fully dedicate myself to A Dose of Dick once again and won't be forced into any boring meetings with the Pope again. This means of course that my son Larry has now been made redundant as he has refused the offer to become Jimmy's personal poo explorer. Well anyway on to this weeks Dose of Dick we've got your usual favourites Dick's Picks, Pricks, Cliff Richard Picture of the Week, Jimmy's Poo, Hot Gossip, Thought of the Day, two new sections "Do You Remember...?" where we remember those that society has forgotten and The Big Question with Chet Ajabagger in which Chet discusses those huge philosophical questions we all think about and then we'll conclude with a small tribute to those the CoMH has really lost this year.


1. Merton Breastloveski



CoMH co-founder and all round good egg, Merton was saddly missed by everyone here but now he's back from the "dead" and we are complete once again, now all we need is Mike to turn up.

2. Phil off Eastenders


Without a doubt he gave the best performance in Eastenders recent live episode and how did they repay him? They didn't make him the murderer! Well for moral support we're making him a Pick for the second week running.


1. Dirty Sex Scandal Footballers


Ashley Cole, John Terry, that other one who's name I can't remember. They're all as bad as Tiger Woods. Dirty, dirty boys.

2. The Wrath of God



God's still pissed off. More natural disasters and mental weather. What can we do to appease you Lord?


This week: To celebrate a year of A Dose of Dick with Dick Smalls there's only one thing Jimmy could poo, that's right he's only gone and shit the Mitchell brothers.






Cliff just looking incredibly sexy...



Hey everyone the pant straining Zanzibar here with your latest batch of Jordan rumours.

1. Jordan's pubes are fibre optic and her pee is pure nitrogen

2. Jordan's tears are adhesive and that if she caught fire, she'd burn for a thousand days

3. On really warm days Jordan sheds her skin like a snake

4. Jordan's a C.I.A. experiment that went wrong, and she only eats cheese



Hello followers of Mike and welcome to my new section of A Dose of Dick, Do You Remember...?in which we remember those things that have left the public eye this week...

John McCain

Seriously what happened to this guy? A few years ago he was on TV all the time and now you never see him. If you have any information on where he is now e-mail me at mertonbreastloveski@hotmail.co.uk


Welcome to my new section where I answer the big questions. This week who'd win in a fight between cuckold frog Kermit and creepily camp gaybo Big Bird?


Well Kermit's got less spine than a jelly fish but Big Bird is camper than Liberache. I think what it'll come down to in this fight is who they have to back them up. Kermit has Miss Piggy, morbidly obese but with a voice that can kill and Big Bird has his life partner Mr. Snuffleupagus the mammoth that's as camp as he is. Again I think we're pretty much tied. Kermit could bring in Animal who I think would be pretty handy in a fight but then Big Bird has the Cookie Monster who's even tougher now he's been on a none cookie based diet. I think it's safe to say that overall Kermit would win as the Muppets could easily beat the Sesame Street Crew with only Cookie Monster and the Count posing any real threat.

Kermit the Frog

Kermit and co would easily beat Big Bird to death but when it comes to a frog that enjoys inter species erotica and a giant gay bird getting queer with an extinct species they're both losers.


1. Merta Drogosich


Merta has been the head of Emotional Development at CoMH since 1995. We had hoped to bring you her motivational programme "Smile and Be Happy" but Merta took her own life recenly...

2. Professor Steve "Apples & Pears" Mitchell


Steve recently provided cockney translations for Danny Dyer here at A Dose of Dick. It appears this triggered a severe depression for Steve. He was found hanging from a tree above a pile of smashed up copies of Danny Dyer's comedy football DVD "Man with Ball Falls Over" and a note that said "I've wasted my life. Cockney is the stupidest thing ever and I stooped so low that I actually translated for Danny Dyer and his comedy football DVD isn't even that funny". We here at CoMH send out deepest sympathies to his family we can't help feel we're at least partly responsible for this...

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do." Ronald Reagan, former President, idiot, dead

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls & the Dose of Dick Team

p.s. check out our friend MVD here

Cockney Rhyming Slang Translations by
Professor Steve "Apple & Pears" Mitchell, head of Cockney at the University of Cockton

WANNABE COCKNEY ALERT!
The following blog was written by a man that believes Bert from Mary Poppins was a realistic representation of the people of London. This man believes cockney rhyming slang is acceptable and insists on using words like geezer and bird. Continued exposure to his writings can lead to a loss of intelligence. You have been warned.

Alright my old Chinas (cockney ryhming slang for mate), Danny Dyer world's finest actor 'ere fillin' in for me ol' mucker Dicky Smalls. This week it's all about me and what I think about everyfing so you know it's gonna be Robin Hood (cockney rhyming slang for good). You'll get to see my Diamond Geezers and Total Ebenezer's (Danny Dyer speak for Dick's Picks and Dick's Pricks), my favourite Dolly Mixture (cockney for picture) of me old kitchen sink (this is cockney for jail I'm not sure Danny actually knows much cockney rhyming slang but he tries bless him) and some proper smart words what came from me marth (Danny Dyer speak for mouth I think).

1. Birds



Oh man I love right fit birds. When I'm having a Tommy Tank (a one handed sexual act) I love to think of a fit bird and her ballroom blitz (breasts) and sometimes even her uncle bob (this means penis I assume Danny was trying to say vagina but got confused). Yeah I love me birds, I like posh totty (women who don't enjoy Danny Dyer films) and I love slags (women that don't like Danny Dyer films but will have sex with him because he's famous).

2. Football


Yeah geezer up the hammers (a football team, the London Hammers I believe). I love footy me if I wasn't such a good actor I'd prolly 'ave played for Engerland like. I'da banged 'undred goals against them Germs in the world cup final.

3. Hilarious Comedy Football DVDs


Only one thing I lav (love) more than footy and that's comedy football DVD's like my legendary release Man with Ball Falls Over. They're a right Stefi Graf (laugh yeah I know it's stupid but it's better than Turkish Bath). If you like comedy football DVDs go out and buy mine now you slags!



1. Shopping


I hate it when me Lemon Curd (woman, yes it's ridiculous people actually talk like this and think it's funny and clever) drags me off round the shops looking at tampons and s**t. I mean it's bad enough she's given me marble slabs (pubic lice, Jesus I spent ten years at university studying this rubbish. I've wasted my life) then she makes me sit outside whilst she spends 'ours looking at knickers.


2. Germans




We won 2 - 0 dint we lads eh? World war one and two suck on those sweaty meat and potato pies fritz! Right lads?

3. Micky Mousers


Gawd I hate them bloody Micky Mousers (you wanna know what it means? Well why don't you waste ten years of your life in university studying bloody cockney yourself? What's the point in me learning it all if I'm just gonna share the knowledge with any Tom, Dick and Harry that asks me) they're a bunch of total ebenezers.



'E can't decide if he's gonna strum on 'is instrument or bash some balls with his racquet, what a diamond geezer!

"My old woman took a picture of my dinner the other day. It was so big, it had to come on a platter instead of a plate – there were 15 or 16 ribs on there. I don’t really eat during the day, so I like a big, naughty dinner in the evening. You don’t want to go anywhere near the khazi after me, mate!" Danny Dyer, actor, cockney geezer, potentially mentally handicapped

See what a legend I am, I talk proper smart don't I like?

A Message From Dick:

Hello dear reader Dick here just taking a break from my holiday. I'm sure many of you were surprise to see we'd invited Danny Dyer to be a guest editor (well Brian Blessed was busy and Phil off Eastenders refuses to return our calls) well the truth is we have been considering doing a Dick's Pricks Danny Dyer special then we realised the best way to demonstrate how high he is up in the echelons of prickery was let him speak for himself. Yes he used words like geezer and slag and yes he thinks that makes him the voice of the people. The only people he is the voice of are the people that write on the worlds in their own feces and think Danny Dyer films are intellectually stimultaing. If you enjoyed this blog or any of the films featuring Mr. Dyer then the only decent thing you can do is get steralized and probably consider suicide for good measure. Anyway next week Derek Acorah's in the hotseat. TTFN.