The Dickies 2010

Hello and welcome to the second annual Dickies, the awards handed out by the C.o.M.H. team to those we deem worthy. Enjoy this last taste of the old ADOD before we begin a full relaunch. On with the awards!

"Celebrity" Pick of the Year

Jedward



Those wacky Jedward boys have moved up from 3rd place last year to winners of the title of celebrity pick of the year. After a fantastic year with a brilliant album, a legendary performance at T4 on the Beach and a joke about Cheryl Cole dying of malaria these boys deserve this award.
Honourable mentions; Peter Andre, Grinty


"Celebrity" Prick of the Year

Danny Dyer


It's been a mixed year for Danny. More classic films such as Pimp and another classic comedy football DVD and joining the C.o.M.H. team have been overshadowed by his irresponsible and stupid comments in Zoo magazine where he recommended a man slash his ex girlfriend's face so she couldn't find anyone else. What a total prick.

Honourable mentions; Gillian McKieth, Donny Osmond, Lady GaGa, Jordan

Acting Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders



2010 was the year of Phil off Eastenders. Once again acting everyone off the screen Phil off Eastenders had some of the most harrowing story lines in the history of the show including having sex with the world's roughest looking woman, having a flaming homo as a son and being a crack head. Phil off Eastenders brought warmth and great skill to these storylines and no one has come to close to matching him for amazing acting abilities.

Honourable mentions; Grinty, Go Compare Guy, Talking meerkat thing

Acting Prick of the Year

Daniel Radcliffe



Another year, another Harry Potter film. 2010 featured Radcliffe playing seven versions of himself and they were all shit.

Honourable mentions; the cast of the Twilight movies, the cast of Harry Potter, Ben off Eastenders

Celebrity Sex Offender of the Year

Josef Frtitzl


This year Josef is the only real contender and that's because even though he ran a creepy incest sex dungeon Fritzy has been planning on rebuilding the surrounding area. For having the balls to do that we just have to salute you Mr. Fritzl sir.

TV Presenter Pick of the Year

Hacker T. Dog



Yes. We're being serious. No human presenters are good enough this award. Check out Hacker on the CBBC channel he is freaking hilarious.

Honourable mentions; Oucho the cactus, Mongo the magic puppet

TV Presenter Prick of the Year

Konnie Huq



Yeah alright Huq you're on the grown up tele now and you're married to Charlie Brooker but seriously fuck off with your shitty Xtra Factor crap.

Honourable mentions; Chris Evans, Bruce Forsyth, Ant & Dec

Talent Show Judge Pick of the Year



This award has been left vacant as they're a cunty bunch

Talent Show Judge Prick of the Year

Cheryl Cole



Not happy with being in a shit band she had to have a shit solo career. Not happy with a shit solo career she had to create a mini me. Cheryl Cole will you please fuck off and take Bill-I-Am-A-Total-Fucking-Cun with you yeah pet?

Honourable mentions; Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Piers Morgan, Michael MacIntyre (hasn't started yet but he's still a moon faced cunt), Dannii Minogue

Talent Show Wannabe Pick of the Year

Wagner


Wagner was flying the freak flag high this year, he was shit, looked a bit like Josef Fritzl and didn't make much sense but he slagged off Cheryl Cole and he was pretty funny.

Honourable mentions; Random Black Boy from the Harry Potter Movies


Talent Show Wannabe Prick of the Year

Cher "Mongo" Lloyd


Yes it's the stroke suffering faced, gypsy Cheryl Cole clone that sounds like a fucking mong having a fit when she's singing. It's unlikely we've heard the last of this cunt so expect to see her back here next year.

Honourable mentions; Katie Weasel, Gamu, Matt Cardle, any shit street dance act that appears on Britain's Got Talent

The Official Dick's Pick of the Year

Phil off Eastenders


Who is more deserving than this man? He's C.o.M.H.'s man of the decade and looks set to hold that award again in 2019. Mr. Mitchell sir we salute you.

Honourable mentions; Jedward, Andre the Giant, Peter Andre


The Official Dick's Prick of the Year

Kerry Katona


It's been a year for clones of shit celebrities and ITV has been responsible for them all. It's bad enough they forced Jordan down our throats for the last 5 years they've now found her replacement in the equally useless Kerry Katona another whiney waster we hope will fuck off in 2011.

Honourable mentions; Jordan, Alex Reid, Cheryl Cole, Jason Donovan, Jeremy Kyle




Those we've lost this year;

-Gary Coleman
-Leslie Nielsen
-Paul the Octopus
-Norman Wisdom
-Bernard Matthews
-Malcolm Allison
-Claire Rayner
-Gillian McKeith's dignity
-Ronnie/Roxy Mitchell's (Phil off Eastenders sister/cousin) baby
-Those three who died in that tram crash on that documentary 'Coronation Street'
-Alex Higgins
-Chris Kanyon
-Jean Simmons
-Any 'Z-List' celebrity's career
-The Bill
-Big Brother

Well I hope you've enjoyed the Dickies and I hope you've enjoyed A Dose of Dick throughout 2010. For a while it looked the end of C.o.M.H. but we're back and better than ever. In 2011 we will be relaunching the blog, all the old entries will be shifted over to our archive blog the World of Dick and we will be having a fresh start. Your old favourites such as Dick's Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, Dear Randy and the Big Question will be joined by new features such as What's Pissing off Garth Crooks This Week? We'll also be answering those big questions; who is Jimmy's father? Will a Jeremy Kyle spoof work when written down? Is Merton still alive? Will Dick remarry? Can Chet and Chasey Lain get past their problems and be happy again? Will we ever see the likes of Timmy Dense, Taco Sanchez, Buzzy Gastro, Lundy Cupp, Maurice Badger and the Rev again? Will we see more of Randy's world of hate? Will M.V.D. wake from the coma that's kept him from updating his blog? And finally we will answer the ultimate question...

Tom Cruise....

True or fale?

The C*ntdown Begins

Welcome dear readers to the dawning of a new era. Yes I am now the boss of The World of Dick and to celebrate I present to you The Official C.o.M.H. Cuntdown it's basically an even better version of Randy's Retards and Dick's Pricks. Each month I'll select the top ten cunts in the world right now, who will be number 1? Let's find out!




They seriously could just rename this Cunt TV. BBC fucking 3 is just shit. Every shitty mongoloid TV show in the world appears on this crapfest. Coming of Age, 2 Pints of Larger, Lee Nelson's Well Goodshow, Russell Howard's Good News, Family Guy. The list is endless. If you are a thick fucking retard then BBC3 is for you but for the rest of us that don't sign our names in wax crayon this is cuntworthy bollocks.



You are not Phil's son you camp freak! Stop trying to damage the reputation of C.o.M.H.'s man of the decade you boggle eyed cunt.



We're legally prevented from venting our true feelings about Cameron. Hopefully his appearance on this list goes someway to expressing them.


Smurfs are fucking dicks seriously. Stupid blue cunts who talk shit and act like fucking retards. I'd like to shove my smurfing foot right up your smurfer you smurfing smurf.




Britain's Got Talent apparently and this talent is spotted by botox faced cunt Amanda Holden... What the fuck? Seriously this creepy faced bitch has no talent.




For some reason the still born potato is the anchor for ITV's coverage of this years Soccerball Championships. He is of course an expert because he played for... oh no wait he's just a spud faced cunt that knows nothing about anything.




This fucking loud mouthed cock stain is listened to by millions of brain dead mongoloids. After suffering the misfortune of hearing his "hilarious" alternative commentary on a recent soccerball game with his cunty side kick Comedy Dave who is too much of a none entity to even appear on the cuntdown. Moyles you are a painfully unfunny cunt, your jokes appear and if this list proves anything it's that being fat and loud does not make you entertaining so fuck off back to Twatsville you fucking sweaty mongoloid.


The reason god created condoms. Fat, unfunny, yobbish prick. He betrayed his fellow fat people by appearing in a series of adverts that showed a fat man being bullied by filthy fucking gingers. This cunt now has a show about soccerball, as if Adrian Chiles wasn't bad enough we now have someone who would only be allowed to play in goal if he was even chosen to play. Fuck off Corden Gavin and Stacey was shit, you are shit and we all hate you. And let me give you this warning if you ever give Star Trek's very own Captain Picard any shit ever again we will all come and kick your cunty arse. Prick.




For a long time Radcliffe was C.o.M.H.'s all time biggest prick. He's still a shit actor and we're sure he'll be able to reclaim the top spot with the release of the final Harry Potter films.



Who else could could top the very first cuntdown? Yes Jordan (this week played by the Phantom of the Opera) continues to revolt the human race with her very existence.

Radcliffe Can't Act

As you all know we here at CoMH love making lists of bad actors and there's no film franchise that has more bad actors than Harry Potter. So here it is, what you've all been waiting for, the top 10 bad actors from the Harry Potter (we all know who's number one but let's all act surprised when we get there)

10) Ron Weasley (a.k.a. Grinty)



Perhaps the biggest surprise in our countdown, yes it's Grinty a former Prick who once made the top 5 of our all time bad actors special last year. We here at CoMH have started to warm to Grinty, he made an appearance as a Pick and we've realised that he plays a ginger person perfectly because we hate and mistrust him just like real ginger people. Well done Grinty, you're pretty bad but there are 9 worse than you.

9) Barty Crouch jnr. (a.k.a Dr. Who)



Seriously what the hell was with that weird tongue thing he was doing? He seems to think he's an actual snake...Yeah this was just an awful performance. I guess it runs in the early (see below to get this very clever joke).


8) Barty Crouch snr. (a.k.a. Trigger off Only Fools On Horses)



Yeah Trigger does a pretty awful job at acting. He was good in Only Fools And Horses and The Vicar of Dibley yet in The Goblet of Fire he almost rivals the regular Harry Potter cast with his bad acting. What the hell was wrong with his voice? He was crap in Dr. Who to, maybe it's time to call it a day.

7) Cederic Diggory (a.k.a. puffy vampire out of Twilight)


Oh he's so handsome...hang on no he isn't. Yes it's the world's most popular actor with teenage girls. Before he became the world's gayest vampire he filled our lives with his brand of bad acting in Goblet of Fire (first appearances of) which has supplied us with 3 of our top 10.


6) Neville Longbottom (a.k.a. Snaggledtooth)



Eugh, where do you start with this one? Bad teeth, bad acting. Connection? Possibly.


5) Luna Lovegood (a.k.a. justification for racism against the Irish)



The youngest on the list, we accept we have to be sensitive here. How can I put this without hurting your feelings. YOU CAN'T ACT PLEASE STOP NOW!

4) Albus Dumbledore (a.k.a. lazy Gambon phoning it in)



OK we all know Richard Harris died during the filming of the Chamber of Secrets and at the end they operate his corpse using a system of pulleys and sticks but even that lifeless performance wasn't as bad as Gambon in the role. He really doesn't try. Dumbledore is supposed to care about what's going on but he never does in the films. And he shouts. Alot.


3) Dudley Dursley (a.k.a. gimpy chav)



Where's your mum Potter? Yes who can forget that terrible delivery. He is just one head on the 3 headed dog of bad acting. He helped make the opening ten minutes of the Order of the Pheonix the worst acting ever caught on camera.

2) Mrs Figg (a.k.a. seriously what the hell? Where did you find this thing?)



She's got a tash and talks like she's got Parkinson's, she's head number 2.

1) Harry Potter (a.k.a. he who can not act, the one and only Daniel Radcliffe)



Well who else could be number 1. He's by far the worst actor ever to have lived. He's also the second biggest Dick's Prick of all time (recently surpassed by Jordan of course). Seriously how does this guy get people to pay him to "act". It's offensive to me.

There are so many others we could have included on this list such as creepy annoying Lenny Henry skull thing, Crabbe, Goyle, all the Weasleys, random black boy and so many more but we feel this list represents the very worst acting in the Harry Potter universe. We still have two films left to go so there's still time for Danny Dyer to turn up.

To those who think we are unfair to the young actors in Harry Potter who are just trying to make a living we say this. Ask the Pope, God doesn't like Harry Potter, so it's ok. And there is no forgiving Daniel Radcliffe having a successful career.

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls