Happy Birthday Chet

Greetings my fellow Huggynites and welcome to another Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. It's a special week for us here at CoMH as our good friend Chet Ajabagger turned 50 0n the 12th of April. This week we have all your usual favourites, Pick's, Pricks, The Big Question, Jimmy's Poo and Thought of the Day. We're also proud to present our new feature, a tribute to Ruper Grint. Enjoy!




1. Chet Ajabagger



Yes he's 50 this week can you believe it? We certainly can't. We all thought he'd be dead by now but after recovering from his alcoholism Chet's turned his life around and is a valuable member of the CoMH team. How's he celebrating? Well we've had to chain him to his desk to prevent him going on another bender like last year...

2. Keane



Well they're certainly not here because we like their music, I'm a death metal fan myself. We salute Keane these week because we they have spoken out about the Conservatives using Keane's music to promote their self satisfied smugness.

3. Richard Herring



We salute you Mr. Herring for trying to reclaim the so called Hitler moustache. Chet had one in the 1970s and he was persecuted because of that. Hopefully if we stand up to this kind of biggotory we can make real progress.

4. God



Looks like God's calmed down a bit after his weeks of wrath. Rooney's recovered, it's been quite sunny and Chet's liver is still working.



1. Jordan/ Katie Price



It seems like forever ago that Joseph Fritzl was our biggest prick ever with two appearances on the chart. These days Jordan (this week played by a fat emo) holds that record and continues to streak ahead of Daniel Radcliffe. This week we've included her for her shouting at an old aged pensioner about a disabled parking space. Yes she has a disabled son but that doesn't give her the right to abuse our lovely pensioners. They are of course very welcome to abuse her, they don't know any better.

2. David Cameron





Normally we'd keep church and state seperare. But for this smug prick we're happy to break that rule. This man got his wife pregnant so he could win the election, he likes to pretend he's just a normal guy when he's a jumped up little toff. This man is the devil. If you vote for David Cameron you will get AIDS and you will die.



3. Twitter


We've tried to like Twitter but it's just lame. And it keeps getting worse. In an attempt to appeal to young people it's now recreating Romeo & Juliet using Tweets which is just the gayest thing ever.

4. The Pope



You know why he's here, I know why he's here, he knows why he's here. Naughty Pope. (We know this is not a picture of the current Pope but it's quite funny so we thought we'd use it).



Welcome to our new section dedicated to the nation's least hated ginger, our old mate, Grinty. Each week we pay tribute to Grinty by sharing a picture with you loyal readers showing you just why we love him. First up this beauty:





This week: The bullet that killed JFK and I've tested it, it doesn't come from Lee Harvey Oswald's gun, this could be the evidence that M.V.D. needs to solve this case.


This week it's perhaps the biggest of all questions who'd win in a fight between Phil off Eastenders and Grant who used to be off Eastenders.




Well this one's easy. Grant who used to be off Eastenders might be out there trying to solve the problems in the middle east but he's no match for Phil off Eastenders.




Phil is the hardest man in the world and the best damn actor this country has ever produced.



""A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." Ronald Reagan, actor, president, dead dude

Until next time...
Peace & Love
Dick Smalls

Have you checked out the other CoMH blog yet? Click below to discover the joys of Randy's World of Hate!

Radcliffe Can't Act

As you all know we here at CoMH love making lists of bad actors and there's no film franchise that has more bad actors than Harry Potter. So here it is, what you've all been waiting for, the top 10 bad actors from the Harry Potter (we all know who's number one but let's all act surprised when we get there)

10) Ron Weasley (a.k.a. Grinty)



Perhaps the biggest surprise in our countdown, yes it's Grinty a former Prick who once made the top 5 of our all time bad actors special last year. We here at CoMH have started to warm to Grinty, he made an appearance as a Pick and we've realised that he plays a ginger person perfectly because we hate and mistrust him just like real ginger people. Well done Grinty, you're pretty bad but there are 9 worse than you.

9) Barty Crouch jnr. (a.k.a Dr. Who)



Seriously what the hell was with that weird tongue thing he was doing? He seems to think he's an actual snake...Yeah this was just an awful performance. I guess it runs in the early (see below to get this very clever joke).


8) Barty Crouch snr. (a.k.a. Trigger off Only Fools On Horses)



Yeah Trigger does a pretty awful job at acting. He was good in Only Fools And Horses and The Vicar of Dibley yet in The Goblet of Fire he almost rivals the regular Harry Potter cast with his bad acting. What the hell was wrong with his voice? He was crap in Dr. Who to, maybe it's time to call it a day.

7) Cederic Diggory (a.k.a. puffy vampire out of Twilight)


Oh he's so handsome...hang on no he isn't. Yes it's the world's most popular actor with teenage girls. Before he became the world's gayest vampire he filled our lives with his brand of bad acting in Goblet of Fire (first appearances of) which has supplied us with 3 of our top 10.


6) Neville Longbottom (a.k.a. Snaggledtooth)



Eugh, where do you start with this one? Bad teeth, bad acting. Connection? Possibly.


5) Luna Lovegood (a.k.a. justification for racism against the Irish)



The youngest on the list, we accept we have to be sensitive here. How can I put this without hurting your feelings. YOU CAN'T ACT PLEASE STOP NOW!

4) Albus Dumbledore (a.k.a. lazy Gambon phoning it in)



OK we all know Richard Harris died during the filming of the Chamber of Secrets and at the end they operate his corpse using a system of pulleys and sticks but even that lifeless performance wasn't as bad as Gambon in the role. He really doesn't try. Dumbledore is supposed to care about what's going on but he never does in the films. And he shouts. Alot.


3) Dudley Dursley (a.k.a. gimpy chav)



Where's your mum Potter? Yes who can forget that terrible delivery. He is just one head on the 3 headed dog of bad acting. He helped make the opening ten minutes of the Order of the Pheonix the worst acting ever caught on camera.

2) Mrs Figg (a.k.a. seriously what the hell? Where did you find this thing?)



She's got a tash and talks like she's got Parkinson's, she's head number 2.

1) Harry Potter (a.k.a. he who can not act, the one and only Daniel Radcliffe)



Well who else could be number 1. He's by far the worst actor ever to have lived. He's also the second biggest Dick's Prick of all time (recently surpassed by Jordan of course). Seriously how does this guy get people to pay him to "act". It's offensive to me.

There are so many others we could have included on this list such as creepy annoying Lenny Henry skull thing, Crabbe, Goyle, all the Weasleys, random black boy and so many more but we feel this list represents the very worst acting in the Harry Potter universe. We still have two films left to go so there's still time for Danny Dyer to turn up.

To those who think we are unfair to the young actors in Harry Potter who are just trying to make a living we say this. Ask the Pope, God doesn't like Harry Potter, so it's ok. And there is no forgiving Daniel Radcliffe having a successful career.

Peace & Love

Dick Smalls

Dear Randy #2

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Dear Randy in which I solve all your problems. If you have a problem that needs solving e-mail me at randybadger@hotmail.co.uk.

Dear Randy,
i have been thinking about sex and i am scared. will something happen to my penus if i lose my virginity. will it hurt
Complete retard, aged 13, Liverpool

Randy's reply:
Well if you're going to have sex make sure your sterilised first because your spelling is just terrible and your kids are likely to be idiots to. And yes something will happen to your "penus" if you lose your virginity because the devil will rip it off as sex is the devil's game!

Dear Randy,

i have a friend that i have sex with from time to time and i think his getting feelings for me. his friends say he dont like you like that he just using you, but when me and him get together i dont feel that, i feel like hes catching feelings for me.

he loves to be around me, not just to have sex, but chill go places he even went down on me for the first time . i always wanted him to but he never would, then one day well a whole year later he did it and i was shocked.i havent told him i have feelings for him because its hard for me to tell ppl how i feel, so do anybody think im right?
slagbag, aged 17, Leeds

Randy's reply:
Well you certainly are like a disease that he keeps catching. He isn't developing feelings for you he's using you because you let him. I was the same at that age, I used a chick for sex for months, only stopped because I found out she was my biological mother. Anyway the point is men like sex and like girls that give it away for free. He'll ditch you as soon as he finds a less easy and more attractive girl. Once again I highly recommend sterilisation.

Dear Randy,
This is very embarassing to ask but I really need some advice. My boyfriend and I were having sex. We've only done it a few times before so we're fairly new to this but for some reason he couldn't get in me for a long time. Or as soon as he got close or i'd move my hand, he'd slip back out. He isn't smLl or anything like that so we're both very confused because although this is the second time this has happened to us, we've also had sex successfully. Do you know what the problem could be? Please help us.
Another teenage whore, 19, Essex

Randy's reply:
Are you sure your putting his penis in the write place? Is he actually a boy? Are you actually a girl? Sounds like your too thick to have sex this is probably a good thing. You know what I'm going to recommend. Both of you need to be sterilised.

Dear Randy,
How to know if you are a vergin? A guy 1 night tried to have sex with me, he had not penatrate or go inside. It hurt, i told him to get off. i have a hymen, it did not bleed. i have had oral. i tried anal but it was to painful for both of us. where do you stand on virginity?
Any which way but loose, aged 15, Stoke

Randy's reply:
Well I'm pretty sure you've had enough cock to no longer be considered anything near a virgin. Your well on your way to being the biggest whore in the world. You keep trying girl you'll get there in the end.

Dear Randy,
Hey :) well im 17. Iv just started triming then shaving my vagina. It always feel a lil ichy an gets kinda red. Will that stop hapening once i get used to it and do it more? I heard geting it waxed is best but i really dont want any one doing that to me. So all i can do is shave. Also is there any thing that will help it not be feel so bad afterwords? Thanks for any advise.
fuzzy peach, 17, London

Randy's reply:
HEATHEN! You are in the service of the beast of hell. God loves bush and you must maintain the lady garden your creator demands!

Dear Randy #1

Hello and welcome to the first edition of my agony aunt column. Each time I'll try and solve the problems that you dear readers send to me.

Dear Randy,

Im 14 years old. And im pregnant. Allow me to explain what happened.
It was mine and my boyfriend 6 month anniversary. He had decided to take
me out for dinner and a movie then a stroll through the park. I had told my mum i was seeing him but i had said that i was sleeping round at a friends house
when i was really staying at his …

I had a wonderful time and whilst strolling around the park wearing his jacket,
snuggled up in his arms, looking up at the beautiful starry night – i realised i
loved him. He beat me to saying it – he took my hands and told me he had never
felt this way about anyone ever before etc. then he said “i love you”. I was so
happy. I immediatley told him i loved him too and we kissed under the stars. We
stumbled, kissing madly as we went, back to his (his parents were out). We fell
on to his bed. We tore our clothes off each other leaving bras and underwear
lying all over his floor. We kissed and touched and then he stopped.
We got a condom from his sisters drawer and before you knew it … bye bye
virginity!

Three months later and i have missed three periods. He was there when i took a
pregnancy test and knows we’re having a baby but hes not worried. im terrified.
I think i want to have it but i dont know what to do. I dont know how to tell my
mum. Abortion is out of the question, adoption is also a no no! I think i want
to have it but i just dont know how to tell my mum.

Scared & Confused, aged 14, UK

Randy's reply:

Well this is a common problem these days and as I see it there is only one real solution. Build a fucking time machine and go back in time and steralize your parents. Or in your case maybe your grandparents because your mum is quite clearly a retard for not realising you were going to be staying with your boyfriend. Any parents that read this: assume your kids are having sex and do whatever you can to stop them. My dad tried to cut off my penis and I was incredibly greatful and fully intend to do the same with my kids when my wife finally leaves me on my own with them. Anyway I digress back to your problem. You are 14 and an idiot you can't have a baby, you don't have a job and your thick, your child will be thick and the cycle will continue if you don't put a stop to it. Consider the abortion or perhaps suicide, or to make sure the problem is completely sorted, murder suicide with your boyfriend. Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

the other day i snogged this boy loads of times, but he has a girlfriend, i
really like this boy and i thought he liked me cos of what happened but i’m not
to sure anymore.

he told his mate that i’m a really good kisser though, but i don’t know what to do?

Easy girl, aged 15, Manchester

Randy's reply:

Stop being a slag perhaps? Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

Our school is organising a prom for our year, and there is a girl who I would
particularly like to take as adate. She recently broke up with her old
boyfriend, but there seems to be someone else who has his eye on her 0 should I
rush in to ask her before he does, or should I wait and see how it plays out,
because the Prom is not for a while.

I don’t want to be turned down, because that would shatter my confidence, but I don’t want to leave it too late and miss an opportunity and have her thinking i’m not interested. Some advice would be great

Mitch, aged 16, Stockport

Randy's reply:

How about getting a passport and fucking off to America? A prom? What the hell is it with this gayness? They're called fucking discos over here and they're shit. Get yourself an Xbox and Call of Duty it'll be slightly less shit.

Dear Randy,

I’m 18, and I have a huge crush on this guy 3 years older to me.

I presume its perfectly normal for a teenager like me to have crushes, but here’s the weird thing-I don’t even know why!! Seriously, I mean, the guy doesn’t share any of my interests, doesn’t bother to even listen to my ideas, let alone respect them, isn’t aware of my very existence, and oh yeah, he has a girlfriend.

My friends have tried everything to help me, but I’m really hung up on him.I think about him every minute and fantasise that we end up together. I’m truly disgusted with myself, and my performance in class is affected because of this. I don’t know what to do. Please help me get over him!!!!!!!

Pathetic and desperate, aged 18, Leeds

Randy's reply:

Get a vibrator and quit your whining. Hope this helps.

Dear Randy,

im 15 and im 19 weeks pregnant.

My parents know but they are extremley mad at me and they said once the baby is born they are going to kick me out. my boyfriend got ran over a few years ago so the baby has no father. i am so scared and i don’t know what to do when the baby is born.

i really want the baby. what should i do?

Mentally unstable, aged 15, Liverpool

Randy's reply:

Well I guess the obvious problem here is your 19 weeks pregnant and the baby's father has been dead years. That doesn't work but if you are pregnant read my reply to an earlier letter with a similar problem.

Let The Rant Begin

The following contains strong language that may offend some.

The views of Randolph Badger do not neccessarily represent the views of the CoMH.

Good day to you all Randy Badger here with my first proper entry here at my World of Hate. Apparently my views are too controversial for the core CoMH blog so they gave me my own blog to let me vent my anger at the world. Well I've only just started so I haven't had chance to recruit my own team so for now it's just me and what really pisses me off. Basically what's gonna happen is I have two sections Randy's Retards which is a bit like Dick's Pricks but without the nancy boy girly nice side of Dick's Picks and then there's Randy's Rant in which I really let rip with something that pisses me right off.


1. Adrian Chiles


The potato headed scrotum from the One Show really grates my fucking cheese. What the hell does this lopsided turd burger have to offer the world? I saw this prick talking to the director of that new movie Kick-Ass the other day. They were talking about how offensive this movie is 'cause it's got violence and a swearing child and what does this flaming nutsack say? I haven't seen it yet but I'm incredibly offended! Fuck off back to Greggs you pillock no one cares what you think. Tonight he was gushing over fucking hippies! He's a grade A wanker if you ask me.

2. Deafoes doing sign language on TV


So yeah I'm sat there in my underwear on a Sunday morning about to enjoy the Sunday omnibous of Hollyoaks when what do I see? That's right a deafo in the corner doing spassy hands which apparently deafies use to talk. They're not even in the corner properly, they shrink the picture down so the "signer" can stand in the corner yet they still manage to get in the way of what's going on. And I watch that bastards making his/her gestures and I'm sure they're just making it all up. Oh and if you're death don't watch TV read a book you dick.

3. James Corden


See last week's A Dose of Dick for details

This week: Self Service Checkouts

So basically you've created a machine that makes me do the job you paid some dumbass school drop out minimum wage to do before? I don't get paid for this but that former cashier is now paid to sit there and watch me do their job? Seriously what the fuck? I enjoy people who are thicker than me working as my slaves. I don't like having the tables turned on me fucko. I don't wanna serve myself that's what the stupid are for. Now sort it out.

Next time I'll have more rantastic goodies for you as I turn my hand to being an agony aunt. TTFN.

This One Is Just B*llocks

Hello fellow truth seekers I apologise for my extended absence. I've been trying to crack my biggest case so far and I've made alot of progress. Hopefully I can share my findings with you soon. To get back in to the swing of things I'm going to present you with another of Mike's Minis. This time we're investigating the theory that Stephen King was the one who really assassinated John Lennon in 1980. This is the belief of Steve Lightfoot, you can read more about his John Lennon theory on his site here. He basically claims that Stephen King in league with Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan plotted to murder John Lennon with Mark Chapman being a patsy. He alledges that Chapman and King look similar, let's take a look:



This is Mark Chapman and...

This is Stephen King.

I guess they do look likely similar if you really squint.

Mr. Lightfoot summarises his theory like this:

"The story about Mark Chapman is a cover-up. Bold print government cryptographic codes that include the killer’s face and true identity, the killer’s alleged name and letter to the editor printed before the murder and Richard Nixon’s book, The Real War, in back issues of Time, Newsweek, and US News and World Report magazines printed before, during, and after the night of December 8, 1980 prove that Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan arranged for the author Stephen King, then barley famous, to assassinate John Lennon. That King’s writings draw, dramatically, from the crime and that he taunts us all in his interviews and comments only makes this the story of a lifetime." (Taken from Mr. Lightfoot's website)

Do I, M.V.D. the greatest of all conspiracy crackers, believe that there was a conspiracy involving 2 American presidents and a soon to be world famous author to kill John Lennon? Well you all know I love a good conspiracy but this is just lunacy. One demented man using the internet to spread his brand of paranoia to anyone that will read. Which is nothing like what I do with Michael Van Dyke's Truth Movement. I only write about real conspiracies. I'm perfectly sane. Honest...

Easter With DIck

Hello my fellow Huggynites and welcome to your Easter Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. Well as you know I've been too busy to keep up the blog recently so I handed our last edition over to my good friend Randolph Badger. I'm afraid to report that Randy's blog recieved more complaints than all of our previous entries combined although about 90% of those quite clearly came from S.C.R.O.T.U.M. and the Shaft Brothers John and Pepe. Does that mean the end of Randy's work with CoMH? Of course not we loved him so much that we've given him his own blog, Randy's World of Hate, we'll post a link at the end. Join Randy as he wages war against the S.C.R.O.T.U.M. boys and everything else he hates in this crazy world. Well I'm sure your all interested in where I've been these last few weeks. As you all know there has been a serious recession and it's hit us here at CoMH Towers and I've been over in the US meeting with several businesses discussing selling the franchise rights to A Dose of Dick. So you can soon expect to see the American version of the blog. Anyway this week we have the usual goodies, more of my Picks and Pricks, Jimmy's Poo, The Big Question, Do You Remember...? and the Thought of the Day.
Enjoy!





1. Jesus Christ




We all know this weekend is a pretty crappy time for JC. No one enjoys being nailed to a bit of wood then dying. Hopefully he won't be recreating his famous stunt this year and will just be at home relaxing with his many Easter Eggs.


2. Phil off Eastenders




He romped to victory as our Man of the Decade and it looks like he may even hold on to that honour for another decade. Aside from stealing every scene he's in in Eastenders (god the man can act, Daniel Radcliffe take note) Phil off Eastenders has been hitting the headlines once again this week. Phil off Eastenders's house was raided recently after an annymous tip off suggesting that Britain's top actor was in possesion of fire arms however the police were met by Phil off Eastenders's pornstar Big Omar. Big Omar is apparently very big in dogging porn (we here at CoMH are unsure what dogging entails but we do know that Phil off Easternders is a big fan so we've always wanted to try it). Phil off Eastenders is one of Britain's finest doggers and we salute him for making friends with pornstars what a legend.


3. Lord Lloyd Webber





It would appear that David Icke was right. The lizard people really are taking over and Lloyd Webber is their leader. He's already insisting on being called "Lord" and whenever I see him on TV he's sat in a large throne being fawned over by that very camp Irish fellow off the BBC. We here at CoMH salute you and when your people take over the Earth we hope you spare us.


4. Peter Andre





Pete's been in the news again this week. Apparently he's found love with former star of annoying Iceland adverts Kerry Katona. It's great to see Pete moving on from that large breasted, attention seeking media whore she-who-must-not-be-named-at-least-until-she's-made-a-dick's prick. Now he has Kerry who's a large breasted, attention...oh wait, never mind.




1. Jordan/Katie Price




Yes Jordan (these week played by a vomitting pumpkin) continues to close her vice like grip over the title of biggest prick ever. This week she's a prick because I happened to catch the end of her god awful reality show in which she said she hoped to get pregnant again by the end of the series. The thought of this made me feel like the pumpkin above. I haven't felt this sick since me, Chet, Merton, Jimmy and Zanzibar watched her sex tape. That night we were exorcist sick.


2. Banks Trying To Act Like Their Our Friends




Nearly as bad as the sight of Jordan. Yes we touched upon this in our bad adverts special a while back but since then they've gotten worse. Halifax are the worst offenders with there god awful radio adverts with a bunch of twatty little twonks pretending that they're our cool little friends who always help us out. It's because of the banks that Chet lives in a bus shelter. It's because of banks that Merton now shops at Netto. It's because of banks that Jimmy can't afford rubber gloves to aid his search his poo. It's because of banks that CoMH Towers is now a grotty little council flat. Screw you Halifax. And screw that over one that's employed that wassak that bums Ricky Gervais to do "hilarious" voice overs over their comedy adverts. We have not forgiven you.


3. James Corden




I think Randy pretty muched summed up our feelings on Corden last week.


4. The Wrath of God





Yep he's still pretty pissed off at us all. More bad weather, David Beckham being ruled out of the soccerball world league and the continuing success of Adrian Chiles career. Better starting praying boyo.






This week: A Creme Egg, keeping in spirit with Easter. Gooey indeed.



This week: Mystic Meg




Yeah she looks like a villain from 80s fantasy movie or Danni Minogue's younger sister but I did love her on the lottery, the way she used to predict who might win. One week she said those who have an M in their name were destined to win and then guess what? I won a tenner. What a legend.


Hey Chet here again once again pondering the big questions. This time I'm asking which song was more racist Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas or Turning Japanese by The Vapors.



Well Carl Douglas talks about funky China men in funky Chinatown which is quite clearly a lie. The Chinese do not believe in funk or the act of funkyness. Turning Japanese is apparently about the face the gentleman in question pulls when he reaches his peak during a sexual act. This is of course offensive to Japanese people as it's suggesting that all Japanese people look like they're climaxing at all times. This is a really close one in my eyes but I think the winner is...



Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas, although both are really offensive to our friends from the Orient.






"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown," Conan O'Brien, Talk show host, Simpsons writer




We end today with an appeal. As I'm sure you will all have realised the world today is threatened by a deadly menace. I am of course speaking of the Duke of Douchery, the Prince of Pricker, the worst human that has ever lived. Yes Jeremy Kyle is becoming so smug that his smugness will soon block out the sun and kill all life on this planet. We ask that you do your bit and do not watch his freak show. And to those of you that have joined his army of darkness please get yourselves steralised and stop sleeping with your own family members. Oh and for god's sake stop copying his bloody catchphrases. If I hear one more person say "he shoulda put summut on the end of it" when some retarded teenagers have a baby I will scream.




Be strong. Together we can stop this man and make Earth a great place to live again.

Links

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Make sure you check out our friends blogs.
You can find Randy's World of Hate here and the master of conspiracy Mike Van Dyke can be found here

Until we meet again...
Peace & Love
Dick Smalls