Rant Randy, Rant

The following contains strong language that may offend some.

The views of Randolph Badger do not neccessarily represent the views of the CoMH.

Hello my name's Randy Badger and whilst Dick Smalls and the CoMH team are off in America signing big money deals I've been asked to take over the blog. So welcome to the first installment of ...Really Grates My Cheese in which I discuss the things that really great my cheese.

1. Sports Relief

Oh wonderful it's that time of year where we pretend we give a s**t about the less fortunate people of the world. Now I'm all for charity, saving the rain forest, killing whales, all that bo*ll*cks but these TV charity events really grate my cheese. You wanna know why? Well I'll tell ya. I don't want some over paid celebrity telling me I should donate what little money I have to save Africa when they make more in a week than I'll make in my life time. Chris Moyles gets £630k a year last week I earned £4.50, a naked picture of my mate Phil's mum and a pirate copy of Return of the Jedi. Yet I'm the one expected to pay up...Why can't the likes of Moyl es pay up instead? Oh because they donate their time? Oh f**k off I'll happily let the celebrities make donations and stop making those god awful comedy sketches. Apparently just £5 buys a mosquito net that could save lives in Africa. But exactly how much does it cost to send these bloody "celebrities" over to Africa? I mean come on these people already have AIDS do we really need to inflict Russel Brand on them as well? But wait the celebrities are showing us the truth of the situation over there with such revealing commentary as "it must be pretty s**t living in Africa, having no money and dying of AIDS". Of course it's s**t! They've got AIDS it's never going to be fun and not only that they're starving to death and your sending the likes of Chris Moyles to visit them. So how about instead of wasting thousands of pounds on flying celebrities and their film crews over to Africa and use that money to help them, you can afford it, I can't. As for the hilarious comedy skits we have to endure. What the f**k? Seriously who the hell likes that f**king irratating prick James Corden? I'd rather be raped by a million AIDS infected horses than watch another of his sketches. And why are these marathon s**t spewings full of people I hate? Corden, Davina McCall, Fearne Cotton, Patrick Kielty, that fat bloke off the One Show that looks like a potato. If you really want to make money how about do sponsored slaying of these celebrities? I'd happily pay a pound for every bullet put in James Corden's knee caps, I'd be willing to give you a fiver for crucifying Patrick Kielty, a tenner for giving Fearne Cotton a bath in acid, twenty quid for garrotting Davina McCall. And realistically who actually cares about Africa? They've all got AIDS anyway, they're gonna die, let's accept it and move on. Charity starts at home and that's something you can be HIV Positive about.

2. James Corden

He's little more than a f**king scrotum. He's a fat yob that is not funny and if you think he is then you should just go and kill yourself. I will destory you one day Corden you unfunny prick. Don't worry I'm not going to kill you I'm going to make people realise your nothing but a talentless gobshite. I'm praying for a heart attack...

3. James Corden's Parents

Should have been an abortion mate...

4. Mrs. Kipling

Recently I sat watching television whilst I enjoyed one of Mr. Kipling's French Fancies when I saw a new advert for Mr. Kipling featuring Mrs. Kipling. She was jibbering about getting enough oats or tampons, you know chick crap. I wasn't impressed with the advert at all but the end just filled me with a rage I've never felt before. At the end of this travesty Mrs Kipling actually has the nerve to suggest Mr. Kipling is crap in bed. The man responsible for Mini Battenburgs can be nothing less than a stalion in bed and I refuse to hear anything to suggest he isn't if you don't want him and I a million of others will happily let him fill us with his cakey goodness.

5. Chocolate Werther's Originals

3 words. What. The. F**k?

Now it's time to find out what's in a retard's s**t.


This week in Jimmy's poo there was...nothing. We think he's eaten a cloak of invisibility either that or he's constipated again.



Oh look it's Cliff Richard again! Seriously who the hell wants to look at pictures of Cliff Richard now I'm in charge there's gonna be some big changes. No more Cliff.


Vaseline sales are up so you know Zanzibar's in town with the latest Jordan rumours.

1. Jordan, after making love, bites the head off her partner

2. Jordan sleeps inside out, and once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine

3. Jordan can believe it's not butter because she uses it as a lubricant and it's not as good as real butter


"James Corden is a prick," Randy Badger, f**king legend

Meet The Team

Hello and welcome to a very special edition of A Dose of Dick. It's been nearly a year since I started my little blog and in that time it's grown from a brief word from me to a full length lifestyle magazine. Over the last few months I've been joined by many members of the CoMH team bringing you brilliant new articles on everything from poo contents to cxelebrity gossip. Today I pay tribute to all the members that help create A Dose of Dick for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy!

Dick Smalls, CoMH Chief Executive

1. Dick Smalls

Who he?

The head of CoMH, he's been putting the Dick in A Dose of Dick since early 2009. Dick is of course the founder of the blog and his Picks and Pricks have been entertaining the nation for the best part of a year.

2. Chet Ajabagger

Who he?

Chet is the second in command of CoMH. Chet is a reformed alcoholic and has a degree in journalism and after finally beating his addiction this summer he launched his "Hard News" column which exposes corruption and betrayal. Expect to see a lot more of Chet's work in 2010.

3. Jimmy Dense

Who he?

Jimmy is perhaps the most popular member of the CoMH team, he writes the beloved "What's in my poo this week" and has also contributed such articles as "Celebrity Down's Syndrome". He also fills our quota for mentally handicapped staff. Expect to find out what's in Jimmy's poo next year!

4. Zanzibar Krotchtown

Who he?

Zanzibar is one of the newest members of the CoMH family and is as gay as the day is long. Zanzibar's popular "Hot Gossip" column has been responsible for several exclusives this year including the fact Jordan only has one testicle.

5. O.J. Simpson

Who he?

O.J. is certainly not a murderer, but you know from his "If I Did It" column that if he was a murderer he'd be the best murderer ever.

6. Buzzy Gastro

Who he?

Along side his civil partner Lundy Cupp it's been a while since he last got involved with A Dose of Dick but Buzzy G as he's known to his crew is still out there working hard to help disenfranchised teens, he also contributes to the CoMH cookbook available at all good book shops.

7. Lundy Cupp

Who he?

The Cupp's Half Full was one of the most profound postings on our original blog back on myspace but Lundy has yet to get involved with the blog since we jumped ship to Blogger but don't fret he will be returning in 2010 with more inspirational advice.

8. Ned O'Reilly

Who he?

The newest member of the Dose of Dick team has yet to make his debut, but the loveable Irish rogue will be bringing you fashion tips and ideas. Keep an eye out for Ned because he's gonna be the next big thing in fashion!

9. Lando Bumbadear

Who he?

Well Lando has been with the blog since the beginning but it's unlikely you'll have known of his excistence. He's the head researcher and has been responsible for the Words of Wisdom/ Thought of the Day that's made your life worth living.

10. Merlin Smalls

Who he?

He's the tea boy and creator of all those nifty logos we use here on the blog.

11. John Virgo

Who he?

Former pro snookerer and our new political editor J.V's new column "Political Pot Shot" will be debuting in the new year.

12. Larry Smalls

Who he?

The son of Dick and head of public relations here at CoMH.

A Dose of Dick

A Dose of Dick

with the Man, the Myth, the Legend...
Mr. Dick Smalls

CAUTION:
The following blog features graphic images of gingers trying to look attractive

Greetings and salutations my fellow Huggynites. I'm starting to get used to our new blog home, it's a shame myspace has become an unsuitable location for A Dose of Dick but Blogger is a great place to be. So what's been happening here at CoMH? Chet has now recovered from his alcoholism thanks laregly to the scriptures of the CoMH. He found the guidance he needed and now he's completely cured! Jimmy's fecal matter has been red since he started eating those red wax crayons, is that the reason or is it perhaps some sort of anal cancer? We don't know but I suspect it's the crayons. Our Mexican representative Taco Sanchez was diagnosed with swine flue a few weeks back but seems to be responding well to treatment but when he's visits Britain next month we'll burn his body just to make sure.Well let's get on to those old favourites of ours, today's Dick's Picks are in fact the Pick's of CoMH legend Jimmy Dense.

1. The Colour Yellow

Yes Jimmy just loves the colour yellow. It's all bright and happy like the sun.

2. The Kids of Widney High



A band of retards that can sing? Excellent.

3. Red Wax Crayons



Jimmy's favourite drawing tool and mid afternoon snack, the red wax crayon we salute you!

Dick's Pricks:

Doesn't it show how bad the world is when we find it easier to come up with Pricks much easier than Picks. Well here are three more things that grate my cheese!

1. Rupert Grint


Yes I vomited when I first saw this picture. Joining legendary Sex Offender Josef Fritzl, Grint becomes only the second person to hold the title of prick for a second time. And judging by this picture it probably won't be the last. I mean what the hell is this? You're ginger just shave it off don't grow it, don't style it, destroy it!

2. Polar Bears


The Polar Bear...natures most over rated creature. Stupid, pathetic smelly animals that could never beat a penguin in a fight no matter what anyone says.

3. Newcastle United


Is it wrong to laugh at the misfortune of Newcastle United Football Club? No? Good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

And now it's time for a new section, Smug Git of the Week, where we take a look at a smug git we just want to punch. And this week's Smug Git is...

Seth McFarlane (And pretty much anyone that works on Family Guy)

Seriously is there anyone smugger than these freak faced mongoloid? Responsible for 90% of the world's smug, McFarlane and the other used tampons that work on Family Guy ooze Smugness with every breath they take. You make a mildly amusing cartoon. You don't need to have group masturbation sessions over everything you write because you think you are so good. You really aren't that great and Family Guy has declined rapidly since it returned from cancelation and yes it's your fault cause you are so damn smug. Let's hope someone wipes the smugness from your face with their fist very soon.

And as usual we end with our words of wisdom and here are todays:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"

Peace & Love
Dick Smalls

Greetings My Fellow Huggynites

Welcome to the official Church of Mike Huggins blog which is written by me, Dick Smalls, the head of CoMH.