23rd November 2009

Hello and welcome to this week's A Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. This week we have your usual favourites Dick's Picks and Pricks, What's in my Poo this week with Jimmy Dense and a Thought of the Day this week from the other Messiah Jesus Christ. Later this week we will be posting the first of a series of articles by Chet Ajabagger, who before becoming a raging alcoholic was a journalist so that's something to look forward to. I believe the first article is called "Honey Monster: The Almost Human Face of Steroid Abuse"



1. Ben & Emma from Wonderland: Can We get married?




Normally we struggle to come up with Picks because the human race is basically scum but this week we came across the delightful Ben and Emma a couple with Down's Syndrome that want to get married. It's dead sweet and despite what I thought it's also apparently completely legal.

2. Hulk Hogan


Yes the Hulkster has done what we all wanted and returned to the ring. Yes he may have sold his soul to Eric Bischoff, made dreadful reality TV shows and starred in some terrible movies but...Wait what was I saying?

3. Angels



I was taking part in popular religious debate show The Big Questions on BBC1 on Sunday and the topic of angels came up. According to an Angel fanatic apparently angels can tell you if you have diabetes and where to find your missing guinea pigs and in my book that makes them picks!



1. Jordan/Katie Price

Yes she's done it! She has smashed the record for consecutive appearances on Dick's Pricks, she's now surpassed celebrity sex offender Josef Fritzl and celebrity douche bag Donny Osmond and held the spot for 3 weeks on the trot. This week she is played by a map of Jordan because she's too visually disgusting for you dear readers especially now she's stopped wearing make up. Why's she a prick again this week? Well as you know she's been back on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and has been constantly voted to do those dreadful bushtucker trials such as eating kangaroo testicles (insert your own joke here). What did she have to say about this? Well she thinks the public either love her or hate her and just want to see more of her. She has of course completely missed the point. We hate her. We've had a whip round and now have enough money to send her back to the place of her birth (sorry Jordan but the needs of the many...). Hopefully we won't have to worry about making her a prick again because she'll hopefully just sod off.

2. Floods


Yeah floods suck and this week Britain's beeb flooding like Chet's pants after an all night bender. Damn you mother nature!

3. Bruce Forsyth


Do you remember those nightmares you had as a child about a man with a big chin? He caused them. This doddering old fool is still on prime time TV, wouldn't it be kinder just to take him outside and shoot him? Why's he in my Pricks this week? Well every Saturday night here at CoMH Towers I'm forced to sit through Strictly Come Dancing (before turning over to catch the end of X Factor usually just in time to see Jedward, although that won't be happening anymore thanks Danni Minogue, guess you didn't learn your lesson after being made a prick earlier this year). This is a dreadful programme, I hate ballroom dancing, I hate celebrities and I especially hate Brucie. But Chet's a big fan and last time I tried to turn it off he threatened to circumcise me again.


This week: A Michael McIntyre DVD, now that's what I call a critical review!


"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government," Jesus, messiah, carpenter.