28th November 2009

Greetings and salutations dear readers and welcome to the latest Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. Your usual favourites and some new goodies are here for your reading pleasure, Dick's Picks & Pricks, What's in my Poo with Jimmy Dense, Thought of the Day and Hard News with Chet Ajabagger



1. Christmas

Holidays are coming! Yes we can finally start selling our official CoMH christmas decorations so if you want to put Mike on top of your tree this christmas get yourself down to the shop!

2. Cockermouth

Cock...mouth...in the name of one place. Yes it's a dream come true for any immature person, Jimmy hasn't stopped laughing since it was first mentioned.

3. Michael Sheen

Damn fine actor, damn fine.

4. World AIDS Week

AIDS affects us all and this week we celebrate that fact.

1. Jordan/Katie Price

Yes she's still here! 4 weeks in a row, smashing all records with her large abnormal "breasts". How could she possibly do anything pricky enough to hold on to the top spot in Dick's Pricks for a fourth week? Well after leaving I'm A Celebrity she dumped her cross dressing cage fighter boyfriend, who had flown over to propose to her, on live TV and has spent the rest of the week on the cover of every mongo magazine and newspaper. If that isn't enough to make you think she's a prick then you're just mental. Thank god for Peter Andre I say. This week Jordan was played by a pair of Air Jordan trainers.

2. Cheryl Cole

Is there anything more patronising than a talentless talent show winner telling people they're not good enough to win a talent show? ...Prick.

3. Donny Osmond

There he is. Holding my trophy. DAMN YOU DONNY OSMOND!

4. Ant & Dec advertising Nintendo



Is there anything worse than these two trying to convince you that thick taxi drivers are good at brain training? Normally we like Ant and Dec here at CoMH Towers but these Nintendo adverts add at least 50 points to their prick level.

This week: A survivor of the Cockermouth floods. Cockermouth! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!

Barry Scott: Behind The Lies

We all remember where we were when we first saw him. Booming out of our TV speakers announcing with such authority that he is Barry Scott. These adverts had such an impact that Barry Scott was inducted into the CoMH Hall of Fame less than 2 weeks ago. But what I am about to tell you will shake your world to the core.

There is no Barry Scott.

He doesn't exist.

He never has.

He was made up by Cilit Bang to advertise their products.

This is what Barry Scott looks like in Italy.

Yes the truth is it's all been one big lie. Our "Barry Scott" is actually an actor called Neil Burgess. I caught up with Neil recently and after a severe beating he had this to say:
"I'm not Barry Scott. I am scum. I have let down CoMH, the people of Britain and Ireland, brian McFadden and most importantly myself. I led people to believe I was important, I made them feel guilty for not knowing who I am. I am the human equivalent of Jordan and I am truly sorry."

Now that this shocking truth has been exposed I intend to have "Barry" thrown out of the CoMH Hall of Fame. But the big issue here is what is true?

Is Tony really a tiger?

Do Ant and Dec really enjoy playing Cooking Mama?

Does Michael Winner really want us to calm down?

Take care my friends everything is a lie!

Chet.

"Cillit Bang is really good though. If you haven't tried it yet, I can thoroughly recommend it. It cleans the bath like no-ones business. Much better than other cleaners I have tried," Woody_Brixton, forum user and Cilit Bang fan.

23rd November 2009

Hello and welcome to this week's A Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. This week we have your usual favourites Dick's Picks and Pricks, What's in my Poo this week with Jimmy Dense and a Thought of the Day this week from the other Messiah Jesus Christ. Later this week we will be posting the first of a series of articles by Chet Ajabagger, who before becoming a raging alcoholic was a journalist so that's something to look forward to. I believe the first article is called "Honey Monster: The Almost Human Face of Steroid Abuse"



1. Ben & Emma from Wonderland: Can We get married?




Normally we struggle to come up with Picks because the human race is basically scum but this week we came across the delightful Ben and Emma a couple with Down's Syndrome that want to get married. It's dead sweet and despite what I thought it's also apparently completely legal.

2. Hulk Hogan


Yes the Hulkster has done what we all wanted and returned to the ring. Yes he may have sold his soul to Eric Bischoff, made dreadful reality TV shows and starred in some terrible movies but...Wait what was I saying?

3. Angels



I was taking part in popular religious debate show The Big Questions on BBC1 on Sunday and the topic of angels came up. According to an Angel fanatic apparently angels can tell you if you have diabetes and where to find your missing guinea pigs and in my book that makes them picks!



1. Jordan/Katie Price

Yes she's done it! She has smashed the record for consecutive appearances on Dick's Pricks, she's now surpassed celebrity sex offender Josef Fritzl and celebrity douche bag Donny Osmond and held the spot for 3 weeks on the trot. This week she is played by a map of Jordan because she's too visually disgusting for you dear readers especially now she's stopped wearing make up. Why's she a prick again this week? Well as you know she's been back on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and has been constantly voted to do those dreadful bushtucker trials such as eating kangaroo testicles (insert your own joke here). What did she have to say about this? Well she thinks the public either love her or hate her and just want to see more of her. She has of course completely missed the point. We hate her. We've had a whip round and now have enough money to send her back to the place of her birth (sorry Jordan but the needs of the many...). Hopefully we won't have to worry about making her a prick again because she'll hopefully just sod off.

2. Floods


Yeah floods suck and this week Britain's beeb flooding like Chet's pants after an all night bender. Damn you mother nature!

3. Bruce Forsyth


Do you remember those nightmares you had as a child about a man with a big chin? He caused them. This doddering old fool is still on prime time TV, wouldn't it be kinder just to take him outside and shoot him? Why's he in my Pricks this week? Well every Saturday night here at CoMH Towers I'm forced to sit through Strictly Come Dancing (before turning over to catch the end of X Factor usually just in time to see Jedward, although that won't be happening anymore thanks Danni Minogue, guess you didn't learn your lesson after being made a prick earlier this year). This is a dreadful programme, I hate ballroom dancing, I hate celebrities and I especially hate Brucie. But Chet's a big fan and last time I tried to turn it off he threatened to circumcise me again.


This week: A Michael McIntyre DVD, now that's what I call a critical review!


"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government," Jesus, messiah, carpenter.

18th November 2009

Greetings and salutations and welcome to another Dose of Dick. In this week's blog we the latest inductions into the CoMH Hall of Fame, a thought of the day and another collection of Picks and Pricks for your reading pleasure.

1. Jedward

This is the first time we've ever had someone go from a prick one week to a pick the next. We here at CoMH had lost sight of the fact that these are two young men just following their dreams, yes they're shit but so is everyone else on X Factor. John and Edward we're sorry for calling you pricks, you didn't deserve it , we're really really sorry.

2. Rupert Grint

It looks like it's a week of Prick reversals here. Former Prick champion Grinty, a previous record holder for the largest number of Prick's in Dick's Pricks (before being surpassed by his Harry Potter costar Radcliffe), is made a pick for the first time because, as you can see in this picture, he is a proud supporter of A Dose of Dick. On his chest he is wearing the face of yours truly and for that Grinty we salute you!

3. Peter Schmeichel

We're really running low on ideas for picks this week (ain't that always the way?) so to fill up some space we're wishing Danish bacon salesman Peter Schmeichel a happy birthday.

1. Daniel Radcliffe

RECORD BREAKER!!!!! Yes he's back again for an all time record 5th appearance as a prick. What's the flaming Douche Bag done to offend us this time? Drugs of course. Hippies do drugs and we hate hippies. And now we hate Daniel Radcliffe. Even more than before. What's a suitable punishment? Well I think he should be tied down and forced to watch the opening ten minutes of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

2. Calvin Harris

This talentless prick tried to ruin Jedward's performance on X Factor last week. Then he said he wanted to point out how shit the music on X Factor is, listen to your own shit music, you have room to talk you prick.

3. Jordan/Katie Price

It is the policy of CoMH not to show the face of the she-beast Katie Price so this week she will be played by NBA legend Michael Jordan. She's back whoring herself out on I'm A Celebrity again. I don't need to explain why she's a prick I'll leave that to Zanzibar.

CoMH Hall of Fame #2

Steve Irwin

Steve Irwin was a special man that cared about animals in a very special way. He is still sorely missed throughout the world and here at CoMH we'd like to salute him. Just imagine if we'd had Steve in the Garden of Eden, we'd still be living there. God bless you Steve Irwin and all that sailed in you.

CoMH Hall of Famer #3

Barry Scott

Barry Scott, that booming voice, that sense of authority, we here at CoMH admire you. When I first saw your adverts for Cilit Bang I didn't know who you were but you introduced yourself with such authority I felt guilty for it. How many people here can say they are Barry Scott? I know I can't. The rules specify that only the dead can enter the CoMH but those who've seen his recent adverts know he's dead inside.

Thought of the Day:

"I shit the Mitchell brothers," FIsMonkH, youtube viewer, moron

11th Novermber 2009

Contents:

Introduction, with Dick Smalls

Dick's Picks, who's included this time?

Dick's Pricks, Donny again?

What's in my Poo This Week? with Jimmy Dense

Chet's Bets, with Chet Ajabagger, in which Chet predicts the future

Thought of the Day, with Peter Andre

Greetings my fellow Huggynites and welcome to the new look A Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls and the CoMH team. My nephew Merlin is here on work experience this week and he's designed us some lovely new logos in between making me cups and surfing for porn on the Internet. Following my stint in Dancing with the Stars, which tragically ended last week following my unfortunate injury at the hands of Donny Osmond (not that I can prove it, he's a cunning bastard that Donny), I'm now back at CoMH full time and will be committing more time to the blog. Dick's Picks and Pricks will continue as normal and we'll now be including regular contributions from the rest of the CoMH team. I hope you enjoy the changes we've made, we do it all for you.

1. Little Jimmy Osmond

The most talented of all the Osmonds (at least 1 000 000% more talented than Donny) Little Jimmy Osmond is a true legend. His classic hit Long Haired Lover From Liverpool was the song used for the first dance at my wedding.

2. The Honey Monster

It may shock you sweet readers but war has broken out. A civil war. Between cereal mascots. We here at CoMH have sided with the Honey Monster, who is quite clearly the best cereal mascot ever.

3. Bindi Irwin

We here at CoMH are big on animals and we loved Steve Irwin. But he's dead now. So Bindi is our only hope for wrestling crocodiles on TV. We salute you.

4. The Good Old British Tommy

Today is Rememberance Day and we here at CoMH salute our brave veterans.

1. Donny Osmond

A few weeks ago I was at ITV1 discussing a show called An Audience With Dick Smalls in which you loyal readers could have learnt more about me and CoMH and we'd even persuaded Cilla Black to come on and duet with Chet. Then this flaming douche bag comes along and says he wants to do an audience with him and his sister. ITV1 no longer wants to do An Audience With Dick Smalls. Screw you Donny, screw you.

2. Ming the Merciless from Mongo

Ming you filthy bastard, leave the poor Mongos alone or Flash Gordon's gonna get ya.

3. Jedward

What the hell are they? Seriously how can Simon let Lucie go out in place of these freaks? DAMN YOU SIMON!!!!

4. Piers Morgan

Do I really need to explain this one?

This week: A Toy Solider

The world will not end in 2012, the Mayans are retards.

Thought of the Day:

"I saw a dog with three legs. It was walking with another dog, but it looked to have more of a proper walk than the dog with four legs. And I thought, 'Does that dog need that other leg?'", Peter Andre, musician, legend