Oh Mr. Smalls with these continual blog updates you are really spoiling us! Yes I'm back by popular demand. Yesterday's blog was well recieved and people were just demanding more blackness, more gayness and more Jimmy and of course more of Jimmy's poo!

1. Ozzy Osbourne

Yes Ozzy is 61 this week and as the father of one of our Down's Syndrome celebs it seems only right to have him as a pick! Ozzy we salute you.

2. The Ginger One out of Girl Bands

This week I recieved a letter from young Jason of Cockermouth, England. He wrote in asking that I make the ginger one in girl bands a pick because they don't get the credit they deserve. Of course we all know that being ginger is actually a sin according to the Gospel of Mike so if you know young Jason, the ginger sympathiser, you must bring him to justice. He should be easy to track down as he'll be so happy he got mentioned in A Dose of Dick he'll be bragging to everyone, so find him my fellow Huggynites and we shall sacrifice him to the gods!

3. Duke Powell

Good old Duke, what a legend! If you don't know who he is you're pretty lame.

1. John Shaft

Yes John Shaft is the head of S.C.R.O.T.U.M. the group of P.C. do-gooders that imposed their devilish sanctions on the Dickster this week. He tried to force he backward "tolerance" ideas on us but we stood up to him and told him there's no room for tolerance here at CoMH. S.C.R.O.T.U.M. might have thought they had Dick by the balls but Dick's harder than that and in the end we stand taller than John Shaft and his S.C.R.O.T.U.M. crusade!

2. Mr. Monster Munch

This is Chris Hunt, he likes Monster Munch, he has it for breakfast, dinner and tea. He says things like this:

"I used to just eat three bags of roast beef a day, but I decided I needed a bit of variety in my life, so now I vary the flavours between breakfast, lunch and dinner." He is a prick. Everyone knows Wotsits are better than Monster Munch.

3. Thierry Henry

Yeah we're a bit slow on the uptake on this one but millions of our Irish readers have been e-mailing us insisting we make him a prick because he used his hands in a game of soccer ball which apparently you shouldn't do.

This week: Osama bin Laden that's why America can't find him!

Hey guys back the big Z is back with the latest Jordan rumours!

1. Jordan is not biodegradable so when she's dead we'll still be stuck with her rotting plastic corpse on the front of OK magazine.

2. When Jordan farts it sounds like Peter Andre's smash hit Mysterious Girl

3. She is is cryogenically frozen beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean

4. Jordan was violated by a fish

5. Jordan was seen in Dallas in 1963 when a certain president drove by

6. Jordan only has one testicle

Today I've been thinking what it would be like to kill Jordan. This is what I'd do... I'd make a trail of semen from Jordan's house to a bonfire in my back garden. I'd then hit her over the head with a life size replica of Peter Andre's penis. When she regains conciousness she'll realise she's being slowly burned alive whilst Peter Andre break dances on her recently removed breasts. Once she's melted down I'll whittle her in to a candle and give it to Peter as an early Christmas present. But I wouldn't do that really...or would I?

"I make sure I eat a balanced diet. I just don't want to give up Monster Munch. I loved them when I was a lad and when they brought out the new retro packs I must admit my heart skipped a beat," Mr. Monster Munch, crisp fanatic, complete retard.

Greetings and salutations my friends and welcome to another Dose of Dick as ever with me Dick Smalls. This week here at CoMH we've been visited by the PC brigade, yes the Society Concerning Really Offensive Terminology & Unfriendly Meanings (S.C.R.O.T.U.M.) came round to point out how politically incorrect we are. Apparently we don't have enough ethnics, gays and women working here and allegedly it's "morally wrong" to keep Jimmy in a cage. So this week we present columns from a gay, a black and Jimmy (for those wondering what imput women have had in this blog I'm dictating it to my pretty secretary barbie who is typing it up for your reading pleasure. So we have Hot Gossip with the very gay Zanzibar Krotchtown, If I Did It with the very black O.J. Simpson and Celebrity Down's Syndrome with the very Jimmy, Jimmy Dense. Oh and Dick's Politically Correct Picks and not so P.C. Dick's Pricks.

1. Black people

They have nice hair and Reggie Bush is a bit of a legend.

2. Gays

To help us become more tolerant of the gays we watched season one of Will & Grace which I guess is quite funny if squeaky queers taking about willys is your thing. For those of you who like me live in fear of gays I've been assured they do not prowl the streets looking for straights to rape thank god.

3. Retards

Isn't he cute? We love the special kids.

4. Women

Boobs are nice and women sure can cook good.

1. Political Correctness

Political correctness is effing gay.

2. Polar Bears

The Polar ice caps are melting, the polar bears are gonna die because they need ice to live it's all we ever here about. But why whilst watching TV did I see a polar bear going on holiday to the Canary Islands and looking like he's having a right good time?

3. Gold Scams

Seriously I'm just sick of people trying to buy my gold.

4. Lady GaGa

"Woman" with a penis, no talent, what?

Hey guys it's just super to be here, there's nothing I like more than A Dose of Dick hehe. Well this week's celebrity gossip concerns the one and only Jordan here are my top 3 Jordan rumours this week...

1. If you cut off one of her breasts three more grow in its place

2. If you say her name three times in the mirror she'll appear behind you for a photo opportunity

3. She can speak to snakes, a true sign of a dark whore.

This week I'm thinking about killing moon faced comic Michael McIntyre. If I was going to kill him this is what I'd do. I'd grab a cheese grater, move it in an up and down motion on his face and listen to the screams in that gay posho voice he has. Then I'd stab him with a potato peeler and sell his bits and pieces to an orphanage so they can have McIntyre soup. But obviously I'd never do that...would I?

Hello and welcome to my 5 favourite celebrities that look like they have the Down's.

1. Joe Cole, may actually have Down's...

2. David Schwimmer, strong possibility of Down's...

3. Kelly Osbourne, must have Down's....

4. Jamie Oliver, I'm pretty sure he was still born

5. Adam Sandler, he must have Down's...

"It's something intriguing and sensual for Rupert to react to, and Dan will be bare for that," David Yates, director, idiot, pervert. (Apparently to make Rupert Grint act well all you need is Daniel Radcliffe to get his cock out, nice!)

28th November 2009

Greetings and salutations dear readers and welcome to the latest Dose of Dick with me Dick Smalls. Your usual favourites and some new goodies are here for your reading pleasure, Dick's Picks & Pricks, What's in my Poo with Jimmy Dense, Thought of the Day and Hard News with Chet Ajabagger



1. Christmas

Holidays are coming! Yes we can finally start selling our official CoMH christmas decorations so if you want to put Mike on top of your tree this christmas get yourself down to the shop!

2. Cockermouth

Cock...mouth...in the name of one place. Yes it's a dream come true for any immature person, Jimmy hasn't stopped laughing since it was first mentioned.

3. Michael Sheen

Damn fine actor, damn fine.

4. World AIDS Week

AIDS affects us all and this week we celebrate that fact.

1. Jordan/Katie Price

Yes she's still here! 4 weeks in a row, smashing all records with her large abnormal "breasts". How could she possibly do anything pricky enough to hold on to the top spot in Dick's Pricks for a fourth week? Well after leaving I'm A Celebrity she dumped her cross dressing cage fighter boyfriend, who had flown over to propose to her, on live TV and has spent the rest of the week on the cover of every mongo magazine and newspaper. If that isn't enough to make you think she's a prick then you're just mental. Thank god for Peter Andre I say. This week Jordan was played by a pair of Air Jordan trainers.

2. Cheryl Cole

Is there anything more patronising than a talentless talent show winner telling people they're not good enough to win a talent show? ...Prick.

3. Donny Osmond

There he is. Holding my trophy. DAMN YOU DONNY OSMOND!

4. Ant & Dec advertising Nintendo



Is there anything worse than these two trying to convince you that thick taxi drivers are good at brain training? Normally we like Ant and Dec here at CoMH Towers but these Nintendo adverts add at least 50 points to their prick level.

This week: A survivor of the Cockermouth floods. Cockermouth! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!

Barry Scott: Behind The Lies

We all remember where we were when we first saw him. Booming out of our TV speakers announcing with such authority that he is Barry Scott. These adverts had such an impact that Barry Scott was inducted into the CoMH Hall of Fame less than 2 weeks ago. But what I am about to tell you will shake your world to the core.

There is no Barry Scott.

He doesn't exist.

He never has.

He was made up by Cilit Bang to advertise their products.

This is what Barry Scott looks like in Italy.

Yes the truth is it's all been one big lie. Our "Barry Scott" is actually an actor called Neil Burgess. I caught up with Neil recently and after a severe beating he had this to say:
"I'm not Barry Scott. I am scum. I have let down CoMH, the people of Britain and Ireland, brian McFadden and most importantly myself. I led people to believe I was important, I made them feel guilty for not knowing who I am. I am the human equivalent of Jordan and I am truly sorry."

Now that this shocking truth has been exposed I intend to have "Barry" thrown out of the CoMH Hall of Fame. But the big issue here is what is true?

Is Tony really a tiger?

Do Ant and Dec really enjoy playing Cooking Mama?

Does Michael Winner really want us to calm down?

Take care my friends everything is a lie!

Chet.

"Cillit Bang is really good though. If you haven't tried it yet, I can thoroughly recommend it. It cleans the bath like no-ones business. Much better than other cleaners I have tried," Woody_Brixton, forum user and Cilit Bang fan.